The Dungeon Master of Beginner's Dice

Well, I finally went and did it. I am finally DMing my own game. It's awesome and terrifying. Now, I'm not just telling a story. I'm building a world and asking people to play in it. Play in it, play and hope they enjoy it. I have been wanting to DM my own campaign for quite some time. I had run storylines on roleplay forums before. But something about being a DM in a live game is different.

I started roleplaying back in college. I had a number of DMs who displayed a number of different playing styles. And after a while, I knew that I wanted to run my own game. However, I was too scared. Too self conscious. I didn't know the rules well enough to be comfortable running a game with my friends, who had more experience than me. I wasn't as familiar with fantasy or fantasy settings as the rest of my friends were. I always believed there had to be a perfect streamlined story which everyone was to follow and I did not believe that I could come up with something that anyone would enjoy. So I never opted to run a game. Just sat and wished; until finally one day I decided to just do it, fear and all.

Firstly, being a DM is way more time consuming that I had believed it was going to be when I decided that I was going to do this. Partially because of my perfectionist disposition and partially because I wasn't entirely in the know about what a DM had to do in order to run a campaign. But mostly because I took it upon myself to design the entire world from nothing. Because why make it easy on myself, right? The writer in me wanted to create and world build. This is where I have the most fun as a DM. Designing people, places, structures and ruling powers. Making an intricately complex, living, breathing landscape. I could get lost in it for hours. But this takes a lot of time. And I have to make decisions on what parts in this world are more important, meaning they will be completed first. I won't lie, I was very overwhelmed when I started out. I mean, how do you create an entire world from a blank sheet of paper? But I found out that you don't. Not at first. First, you start off small. You make a village, then a town, then a small city and continue from there as the group explores. Once I learned that, world building for the game became much easier to manage.

The terrifying part of running a game for me is the uncertainty that comes with preparing for the unpredictable. I was completely under the impression that DMs knew exactly what would happen at all times and had a plan for everything that would happen during the session. I quickly came to understand that was an illusion. I don't know what the players are going to do from one moment to the next. I don't know if they will take the plot hook. I don't know how they are going to interact with the NPCs. Or if they will even head in the direction that I have set up. For all I know, they could end up on some uncharted path that I had not given any thought to in the least. But it is this uncertainty that makes the game exciting for me as DM. The players don't know what the plan is. So they could be surprised at any moment. I don't know how my players are going to react to what I have planned. So I too could be surprised at any moment. So, instead of being anxious about it, I try to stay open and as flexible as possible.

My thinking like a DM has been slowly evolving as well. As a writer, I have complete control of the entire story. A story that centers on a cast of characters that I have constructed to fit seamlessly into my narrative. But now, I am more focused on the players and trying to figure out what would be awesome for their characters. Trying to make a narrative that everyone can participate in and feel a vested interest. I never had a "cool" character when I roleplayed. I was always outshined by someone else in the group. Someone was always faster, louder, more charasmatic, or better at minmaxing the dice. And I never played campaigns long enough for my character to have goals or something to obtain or aspire to. My character was simply just another body in the group. I don't want that feeling for any of my players. I want each person to feel like they have their moments in the spotlight. To feel like their characters matter in the story they are playing through.

 I am not sure how long this campaign will last or how often we will play. But I am very glad that I got over my self consciousness and I did this. It is a different feel, writing something for others to mess around with. Being flexible and thinking on my feet for several hours at a time. And to watch others interact with what you have put together. I am going to have as much fun as I possibly can and hopefully those who are coming along with me on this journey will have just as much fun as I am.

I WON NANOWRIMO!!!

Just a few weeks ago, I was furiously typing on my laptop, trying my best to put down as many words as possible, worrying that I would not make my November 30th deadline. Yep, after a 3 year hiatus, I threw myself back into the madness that is NaNoWriMo. It was the first time in what seemed like forever that I finally felt like I had time to focus on speed writing my way through a novel.

This year was particularly worrisome. Because, not only did I have to deal with days where I wasn't able to write, I started with little more than a vague idea and a bucket of determination. Normally, my brainstorming sessions start in August and by the time November rolls around, the story would be pretty much fleshed out in my mind,  complete with character development a full story outline. That was not the case this time around. This year, I picked an idea or my novel at the very last minute. But try as I might, I couldn't think of a single thing that helped to expand on this idea. No characters, no plot line. October 31st came around and I completely changed what I was going to write my novel about. And I do mean completely. New setting, new genre, a new and  unknown cast of characters. Everything was being started from the beginning and I had 24 hours to figure out how this new thought and blank canvass was going to become 50,000 words.

It was an exhilarating, anxiety riddled, roller coaster of a month. I was discovering my characters as I wrote them. With nothing but a loose semblance of a plan, character personalities formed themselves in unexpected ways. Actions I had not planned made themselves fit into the story line. Pieces of dialogue that I had not expected became important conversations and pushed further insight into the drive of the main protagonists and antagonists. I know I am the one creating the story, but there is something special and riveting when I have no set path and I am following the narrative as if I were the reader and not the author.

Right at the end, I was pretty much ready to give up. I had fallen behind on my daily word count. I had no idea what I was doing with the mess of sentences that was trying to form themselves into a cohesive story. And the holidays were not helping with my fight against simply taking the loss and trying my hand at doing this again next year. But, I kept writing. Partly because I don't like losing and partly because I had people who encouraged me to keep going. So why do I keep doing this if it is so stressful? Certainly, there must be a better ways to get myself to write without putting myself through a 30 day marathon, navigating the ups and downs of this crazy process. And I suppose the answer to that is: It's fun.

There is something about putting yourself through a challenge that is invigorating. Yeah, that middle part where you have ridden the early wave inspiration and the excitement of finish line is still in the distance, sucks donkey balls. But you get through it. And if you are lucky enough to be part of a group, it forges friendships. Nothing helps make friends faster than going through the fire together. And in the end, I have a story. Something I would have agonized over for weeks, I cranked out in 30 days. Sure, it will need polish and reworking, but my story exists.

In the wee morning hours of November 1st, I typed out my last  sentence. It was not where I had planned my story ending, but that sentence was the best way to end the trip I had started at the beginning of the month. I submitted and got my NaNoWriMo win. I am glad that I started. I am glad that I finished. I am glad that I got to write with friends. And I am extremely glad that my story now exists in more than just my mind.

Writing Thoughts

It has been a while since I just sat and wrote a post that was simply me putting my feelings on a page. I figured now was as a good a time as any. Sorry guys, no pictures this time. There are a huge number of things that have been going on that I want to talk about, but for sake of time I'll limit it to one, writing.

I have not posted a story for a while and that is because I have no finished stories to post. And I feel extremely guilty for that. That was what this blog was supposed to be for. This blog was supposed to be me writing something every day. And I have failed that challenge miserably.

It is not that I have lack of ideas. It is that I have don't sit down and finish anything that I have worked on. And that really kills me inside. I want to share my stories on this blog, but they just never seem good enough or polished enough. And some just simply aren't finished.

I tell myself, why not work on something shorter and easier. This way you have more material to post. But I just don't have the ability to write a short story. For some reason, I believe that everything I write has to be some sort of epic tale that has to span across a book series. I don't know what it is to whittle a story down to its simplest form and put the essence of that in a few pages. I'm pretty sure that I just practiced writing with a word limit, I could overcome this. But for now, it is just me writing long works or posting snippets from long works.

I am working on finishing something currently. And when it is finished, I believe that it will be one of my better stories (at least that is what I'm hoping). But, my impatience is getting the better of me. I want the story to be finished already. I want to show people, because I have been talking about it for a while. And it frustrates me, because I can already tell that I am going to need to edit this story several times before I get to where I want it. Don't get me wrong, I am having fun writing "Gold and Gunpowder" (the working title). The story interests me, so I am hoping that the readers are just as interested in these characters as I am. However, crafting of this story is taking longer than I had first expected. And I have no idea if that is a good or bad thing. Sure, I don't want to put out something that could have been better. But overthinking and overworking a story is not good either.

I went looking for some writing inspiration, so I started paying more attention to writers and writing organizations on social media. Normally, my Twitter was nothing more than people talking about video games, because I mostly followed Twitch streamers and people who are part of the Twitch community. I was quite amazed at the difference shifting gears made. Now, I see tweets talking about books, summer reading lists, quotes from well known authors and things of that nature. I don't know why it mattered that I now see these things on my timeline, but it does. I suppose it is because I feel part of a larger group. There are others out there creating. It's not just me.

So, my current writing plans...I am probably going to spend the afternoon working on "Gold and Gunpowder" and see how much head way I make. And I already have a second story waiting to be put on my editing table "Child of Prophecy: The Awakening". I feel like the title is much cooler than the story will be. But only because there was a lot of back story that went into me writing this and I think it will probably be lost on everyone that wasn't part of the forums where these characters were first created. It's like writing a huge inside joke and you just hope you are doing it well enough that the reader doesn't need to the context to enjoy the story.

So there, my thoughts for the day :)

NaNoWriMo Day 7

I have officially made it through the first week of NaNoWriMo. Started with gusto, but the past two days have been pretty tough. It feels like I have lost that sweet spot that I had the first couple of days this event started. The smooth and quick writing, the flow of ideas, everything was coming to me with such ease. Then suddenly it feels like I am pushing a boulder along as the story just slogs onto the pages. And of course I want to edit the heck out of everything that I'm writing. I have been keeping a pretty good job of sitting on my hands, but the enjoyment factor of doing this has dwindled over the past day or so.

There are things that I want to do with my characters, development wise. I just haven't hammered out how I am supposed to be doing it. There is character that I want everyone to hate. There is a character that I want everyone to feel sorry for. There is a character that I want to pull on everyone's heart strings. And yet I feel like I am not making any of that happen. I feel like I am striving at an idea, but I'm not hitting it full on the head. And that frustrates me more than anything.

The story also feels like it is getting too long, surprising as that may sound. Like it is taking forever to get to the actual point of why this story is being told in the first place. I know, that is an editing call as well. And maybe it isn't too long, but just the fact that I am not excited about writing this part, but later parts of the story. Don't get me wrong, this part is enjoyable to write, but it is not the meat of the novel. I am still dabbling with the beginning.

So I guess this is where the real work is going to start. This is where I dig my heels in and show that I can write this novel in 30 days. This Saturday is going to be where people write all day. I think I am going to use it see if I can't get some of that beginning inspiration back and dig into my novel even more. At least I can get a nice word count padding if nothing else comes of it.

NaNoWriMo Day 1

Well, National Novel Writing Month has gone charging off for another year. I tell you, it feels really good to be a part of it. Especially since I had to skip it last year. My story got off to a pretty strong start and the online midnight write in. There are a lot of gaps in the plot that I have yet to figure out. But I'm sure it will all sort itself out when I get around to that part of the story. Or I will just leave the holes there and wait for the editing process to figure out what to do with them.

My characters are coming out a little bit different than I had planned for them to be when I first started outlining. The male MC is a bit more jovial than I wanted him to be. I was looking for him to be more distant and detached due to emotional injury. Basically, I wanted him dark, broody and broken. Right now he isn't quite reading that way. He comes across pretty normal actually. And he sounds younger than I want him to be. I wasn't quite aiming for fresh faced youth. I wanted to write someone a little more life weary. I am wondering if the coldness and unavailability I'm looking for will present itself in other ways as the story progresses. If not, then it kind of throws a wrench into the whole thing.

A plethora of minor characters came flooding in without my permission. Most of which I had not planned for. For instance, sisters of my female MC. The original plan was for her to be an only child. So yeah, these minor/secondary characters just sort of happened while I was typing. I don't know how many of them will actually stay, since muddying a story with too many characters is something that I want to avoid. But for now, I like most of them. However, giving them names is a pain.

So far, so good with keep up with the word count. Hopefully I can keep ahead like this for most of the month and get some cushion for the holidays. I think this is the first time that I have started with a lead this early in the month. But also, the other years I did this, I had a lot of things on my plate that I was juggling. Now, not so much.

That is about it so far. My word count is ahead. I like where my story is headed so far and I have gotten to talk with several local WriMos. Things have started off really well.

Oiling up the noveling machine

It is one month until NaNoWriMo starts. I am really excited this year. More excited that I have ever been. And that is probably because I wasn't able to participate last year. Also, I know several new people who are going to be jumping in this year, and my excitement for them adds to the excitement that I was already feeling for myself.  There is something about seeing fresh faces ready to go and hammer out those 50k words.

This year, I have decided that I want to something a little more on the romantic side. I have been wanting to write a romantic story for a while, so why not use this as my jumping off point? I have been brainstorming some ideas of what this story is going to be about and after tossing around a few ideas, I finally settled on something. I am most likely going to be going back to my comfort zone of a medieval/fantasy setting. I haven't figured out just how much fantasy the story is going to have. Right now, the story is just this grey formless idea that is hanging around in my brain. I have been trying to figure things out and jot down ideas to make it into something more tangible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will have something more solid by the time November 1st comes around. If not, I'm going to be making it up as I go along.

One of the things I want is for the story to be more of a drama rather than some sap story where everyone is staring starry eyed at one another. I find dramas to be engaging and easy to immerse yourself in. Sappy stories I find..well, I can't say that I like them very much. I don't really relate all that well. I also am not interested in something that reads like a soap opera. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with soap operas, but that is not what I want this story to be.

Part of me is a bit apprehensive about doing this. While it is not that far out of my comfort zone, it is something different. And different always makes me a bit anxious. But it is a good anxious. I have been writing a bit on something else starting back in August, so my writing gears won't be entirely rusty. I was hoping to be done with that piece before November. It could still get done, but I don't see that as being likely. And once November comes, there will be no writing much of anything else.

Also, I am hoping to blog (and maybe vlog if I'm feeling ambitious) about this whole process again. Maybe I will keep up better than I did the last time.

So, back to planning. November seems like it is going to come way too fast.

Gearing up for November

Well look at that. Another NaNoWriMo is approaching. I haven't figured out if I am actually going to participate. However, I say that every year and every year I end up writing. Maybe it is a ritual that I have to make myself go through or something. I usually have a story idea by this time. Or at least a character or something. But this year, I don't really have much of anything. I thought about writing some more children's stories. I know that I probably won't hit the 50k mark doing that, but it would get more books in the series written. And having something is better than having nothing.

Honestly, I really don't feel like writing any else. What I mean by that, I don't feel like creating anything new. I feel like I have a ton of stories already done and hashed out in my head. There really isn't any reason to go and start created more from scratch. I should work on what I already have in front of me. I probably should be working on my writing more than I should anyway. I am not sure what happens. I write, write, and write and then things get laid to the side. Laid to side for too long and then they are forgotten or replaced with something new. And then nothing gets finished. I really would like to finish something.

And when I say finish, I mean something polished and presentable. Something that I would not mind others reading and passing on to others. Right now, the "finish" I have is the terrible rough drafts that I bang out during my month of furious noveling. And while that is better than nothing, I feel that I should have something presentable and polished by now.

So what is different this year that makes me think that I will not be able to participate? Well, NaNoWriMo is falling smack into application and interview season for me. I need to be focusing on that and not trying to push out 50k on children's stories. On top of that, I will still be in rotations and who knows if I will have taken my Step 2 by then. Any extra time needs to go to studying for that. But I give myself all these reason why I can't do it, but I know in my heart of hearts I am going to attempt it. I always do. And the thing this is going to push me to do it is someone telling me that it can't be done. I hate when people say that to me and something in me has to prove them wrong. Just absolutely has to. 

I have a long list of children's stories that I want to tell. Something else that got put on the back burner and never looked at for however long. We shall see what this year brings. If I win, great. If I don't, not going to beat myself up over it. It is several more books added to the series that I didn't have before.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 30

Well today is the last day of the noveling marathon, known as National Novel Writing Month. Today is when you hammer that keyboard like a person possessed and make sure you get that word count. Well guess what ladies and gents: I WON! I MADE IT TO 50K! Man, and to think that I was about to quit a few days ago. Winning feels so great! I actually threw my hands up in the air and cheered when I saw that winner page. I did it! I actually did it! Going to ride this high for as long as it stays around. And the winner video was so great. It made me smile.

My story stayed on course for the most part. There were introduction of characters that I didn't really think of in the beginning. And there were certain rules to magic that kept inventing themselves the longer I kept writing. And then the ending changed, drastically. Of course, it's not a perfect story just yet. There is a tremendous amount of editing that has to be done to it before it becomes something that I would fall in love with it. But there is something there. I just have to sift around through all the ideas on those pages in order to find it.

I did get out to one actual write in this year. I do believe the virtual write ins were my saving grace, however. It was a way to do word wars and feel connected with my region, even though I wasn't able to get out and see them face to face. They definitely did a lot when it came to helping me get across that finish line. There were more than a few nights when I needed some encouragement in order to get my word count for the day. And that chat was a God send.

So what are my plans for this story now that November is over? Well, I am going to let it sit and marinate for a while. I don't know if it is something that I want to publish, or something I want to peel apart and reconstruct into a different story. I'm not 100% satisfied with it the way it is. I think this is the first time that I have said something like about any work that I have written for NaNoWriMo. But this time around was different feel anyway. The idea for the story came later than usual. And it came from a thought that had been in my mind from a very long time ago. I had written on single scene and had thought of two characters. And to take a vague idea like that one and start fleshing it into a 50,000 word work, there is bound to be some areas that aren't exactly what I want them to be.

So there you have it. Didn't really give the play by play of what the month of November has been like, but hopefully a large enough peek to be entertaining and/or informative. So, I will be taking a break from writing for a bit, just to give my brain some time to recoup from the week of catching up I just did. I am very much thinking about making December an art month. We will see if it happens or not.

I want to thank everyone who left comments. And I want to thank people for reading. I do a lot of blathering about nothing on this blog. Kind of nice to know that I'm not simply talking to myself.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 29

So many things have gotten in the way of me writing this novel, you just don't know. I will be writing about a few of them in later blog posts. I was ready to throw in the towel yesterday. I just knew that I would never be able to finish on time. But my Nashville WriMos just weren't going to hear any of that noise. I was told to put my fingers to the keyboard and get to typing. As of right now, I'm 5k away from hitting 50,000 words. That is so doable for me. I am so glad that I didn't give up. If I accomplish this, it will be my second win. And it will be so good, because I was able to do it when people told me that I wouldn't be able to.

Is my story a huge mess? Yep. Will it need more editing than any story I have ever written? Definitely. But I did it. I finished it. I pulled it out. And really, isn't that what NaNo is about? Well this post is going to be short because I have a lot of writing to finish between now and lights out tomorrow.

Congratulations to those who have already won. And to those who are still writing, don't give up. You still have one more day left.

NaNoWriMo Day 12

So yesterday was the first day that I didn't hit word count on my NaNovel. I was tired and just couldn't get those final words on the paper. Plus I think I'm a bit hung up. I suppose I could write through it or I could sit and plot through it before actually writing it down. I have gotten to the part of the story that needs more planning, but I don't actually have the time for it. I feel like now I'm just writing pieces and wondering if it will fit or if I am going to chuck it out later. I guess I don't like the thought of entire ideas being axed out of my story. If I write it, I want it to stay. However, at this stage, I'm not sure that everything I am writing down will be part of this story or another that will come after this one.

I like my story and I like my characters, so those are always good signs. I just wish that I was a little tighter on how the story is supposed to progress. I am writing and it feels like I'm living big gaping holes to be filled in at some other time. Now I normally do that when writing, especially something lengthy. But this time around, I feel like I have a lot of holes that I have to go back and fill. And I do mean a lot. Not exactly a huge fan of having to do that.

People and places still don't have names yet. The book still doesn't have a title. But what it does have is over 17,700 words. So obviously there is a good story amidst all of that. Just going to keep hammering away at it and see what comes of it. Worst thing that could happen is that it gets sat on the shelf after I am done with it. Best thing, I could polish it into something amazing!

Probably will try and catch up to the 20,000 mark today. I'm in a bit of a creative mood.

NaNoWriMo Day 8

So it is Week 2. Right at that point where all the excitement of starting a novel slowly wanes a bit and now you have to dig in and make yourself write your 1667 words a day. I was definitely starting to feel the amount of motivation I had for this story starting to leak out a bit. Sitting and writing was becoming more of a fight than it had when I first started. So what did I do to fix it? I went to a write in.

I am very lucky to have a very active NaNo Region. We have several write ins a week and for those who can't get to the physical write in, there is a chat room where we can sit and talk while we write. We even do word wars. I forgot just how much I can get written during a word war.

So right after I got out from clinic, I took myself and my computer to the meeting spot and sat down. I saw some old faces, I saw some new faces. It just pretty great to be with people who were doing the same as me, clacking away on their computers, hammering out those stories.The chat room is pretty helpful, especially when it is later at night and I need that little spurt of energy to keep me going until I get all my words in for the day.

So how is the story going so far? Well I did hit a patch where things were starting to get boring. And if I'm bored, then I know that no one is going to want to read it. The story was just starting to become a walk through the every day school life of my MC. And really, what is the fun in that? So I was advised to start some conflict, that would bring the interest back into the story. I took that advice and ran with it. My MC has so far gotten into to verbal fights and a physical fight. I am in the process of writing another verbal. His being timid is definitely not working in his favor at this point.

One of the problems that I'm having right now is that I vaguely know what I want to happen when it comes to story progression, but I don't have it solidly pinned down just yet. And I want to write a story where clues to what is going to happen at the climax have been laced all through out the story. However, if I'm not clear on how things are going to be in the end, I can't lay down those clues. It sort of frustrates me.

Also, I don't have concrete rules on how magic works in this world. I can tell that there is a basis of it somewhere in the recesses of my brain, but it is not fully there yet. Again, something else that frustrates me. I can tell that this is going to need so much editing once this month is over. But, can't think about that now. Now, I just write and write and write some more.

50K or bust!

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 5

So, I have made it to the weekend. Hooray for small victories. So far, I have been keeping up with word counts, even going a smidge over for some cushion. That and  the scene I am writing hasn't quite ended by the time I reach the number allotted for the day.

Already hitting a few snares in the story. First, I thought that the MC's mother was going to have more of a role in the story. However, I ended up killing her within the first few pages. So, not as much of a role as I had originally planned. And then a new character popped up, out of the blue. I don't know where she came from. The recesses of my subconscious, I suppose. Anyway, she has suddenly become integral in the beginning and I have this nagging feeling that we are going to see her again. Why and how still remains a mystery.

There are a few things going on with the story that are bugging me. First off, my inner editor is banging her tin cup on the bars of the cell that I have locked her away in for the month. There are times where it feels like it is taking every ounce of restraint I have to not go back and start editing from the beginning. Knowing I could have written that better, chosen better wording, arranged the scene better. I have to force myself to keep plodding ahead. And there are times when I want to go back and cut entire paragraphs and start over. But editing is for December.

I feel like my story is meandering around before it actually finds itself and what it is supposed to be doing. It was the same way with my 2009 NaNovel. I think I was 30 pages in before the adventure idea I had planned out actually started. It wasn't a boring story (at least I don't think it was) but it just took a while to start off on the adventure part. So does that mean I shouldn't worry, the good stuff is coming, or am I writing things that aren't needed. Again, editing.

Not sure how I feel about my MC either. I feel like I have taken every flaw and insecurity that I have and wrapped them in a nice little bow and named them Hawke. I feel like this guy would jump at the site of his own shadow. He is just awkward and timid and overly polite for no reason. I don't like it. He feels...wrong. This is not the way I wanted him to be. Yeah, I wanted him to be slightly apprehensive, but instead of just sprinkling it in, I might have knocked to the whole pepper shaker into the mix. Again, not sure how to reign that in and fix it. Maybe the more I get out on paper it will somehow right itself.

I haven't been able to make any of my regions write ins. I am hoping that things will go better the second week when it comes to that. Keeping my fingers crossed. I get so much more done when I go to a write in. And it just more fun to write. Anyway, back to the grind. Balancing writing this novel and getting a presentation together for class. Hooray, my life rocks.

Daily Write - Coffee and Sunshine

At first I thought it was my alarm clock that was causing the incessant noise that dragged me out of a sound sleep. I swatted aimlessly at my night stand, hoping to cut that blasted thing off before my brain could fully pull itself out of the comfortable dark fog that enveloped it. However, after smacking the snooze button more than once, I realized it wasn’t my alarm clock that was making the noise. It was actually my cell phone jingling loudly amid the clutter on my night stand. And there was only one person that could have been calling me at this time of morning.

I turned my face just enough so my voice was not muffled by my pillows as I grabbed my phone. I didn't bother to look at the number calling me. I just said hello. The response to my groggy salutations was a warm and chipper voice. Way too chipper for this time of morning. One of the many reasons waking up to these phone calls was a nice way to start my morning. Must nicer than being shoved on, which I am pretty much immune to at this point.

“Good morning, handsome.”

I rolled over on my back, phone up to my ear, arm splaying out on the rest of the bed. I knew exactly how I awful I sounded at this time of morning. Far from handsome. But far be it for me to argue with a woman. Especially when she was giving me a compliment.

“Good morning to you, Sunshine.” I answered, yawning and stretching as I replied.

I remember the first time I had used that nickname. It was just something that tumbled out of my mouth. Very awkwardly actually. But you would have thought I had just recited a romantic sonnet the way those beautiful grey eyes lit up. Now I use it constantly. Just because I know she grins when I use it. I laid in the bed and just listened to her voice. She had already been out and about at this hour. She started recounting what she had done with her morning and some interesting happenings from the night before. Half the time I don’t know what she is talking about, especially when I have just woken up. She knows it. But it doesn’t stop her from talking and it doesn’t stop me from listening.

Time simply idles before I finally decide to get up and find my glasses. I hate putting them on. It signifies that the day is starting and I actually have to leave this blissful spot where it is just me listening to her voice. And though I would love to just ignore the fact that another day of my life has started, I simply can't do that. I make my way over to the window and part the blinds, phone still next to me ear. Only one vehicle in the driveway. Just like yesterday, just like the day before that and the day before that. But, it has become a strange compulsion now. Whenever the phone rings, I check the bed before I ever say anything more than hello. Then I walk to window to see if it is just my car in front of the house. I am waiting for the day that I have to touch my doorknob three times before I walk outside. Though I expect it wouldn’t make my heart beat any less loudly.

“Jonathan, have you had your morning coffee yet?”

I have been listening the entire time, but haven't really added much in the way of responding outside of sleepy grunts and throaty noises to let her know that the call hasn't been dropped. She knows my morning routine almost as if we had known each other for years. And if I'm not that talkative, it is because I haven't had my coffee yet. However, I am a pretty predictable man. So it shouldn't surprise me that she knows me inside and out by this point.

“I’m sorry, I suppose you were looking for something more of a conversation.”

“Oh, don't apologize. Just go and get your coffee. That way we can talk our trip. You haven't forgotten, have you?"

Ah yes, our trip. How could I forget that? Just thinking about it made my heart beat a little bit faster. That strange flutter I always get whenever I am with her. I reassured her that I had not forgotten. In fact, I had picked out the spot where we were going. It is a place that is pretty special to me. I am actually a bit nervous. An odd feeling and yet a pleasant one. It is that strange butterfly feeling that you aren't sure if you want to go away or not. I told her that I was on my way to the kitchen now and pretty soon I would be caffeinated and lucid enough to speak.

I meandered out of the bedroom. The house was silent, no one it but me. The kitchen smelled like coffee. The kitchen always smelled like coffee. Well that's not entirely true. When we first moved in the kitchen always smelled like frying, that greasy, batter fragrance that permeates everything. My wife used to do a lot of frying. Not that much anymore. Now it's just coffee.

"Seems like there is a pot already made. I should be a talking machine in no time."

She really didn’t need me to carry on the conversation. She spoke enough for the two of us. Probably the reason why we got along so well on the day we met. I remember that day pretty vividly. I had gotten in my car that morning and just decided to take a drive, a long one. One of those drives where the destination didn’t matter. I was just trying to get as much distance as possible. I found myself at the bus station. Where would I go? I thought to myself. If I could get a ticket to anywhere, where would I head? Honestly, I had absolutely no clue. That is just how unadventurous I had become. I didn't even dream about escaping to another place any more. Instead, I found myself across the street from that station at some unknown name coffee shop.

I had barely gotten the warm paper cup in my fingers before I was backed into and the liquid ended up all over the front of my shirt. I turned to yell at whoever it was that just caused to me waste three dollars. And there was she was, wide eyed and apologetic, with an overstuffed duffel bag over one shoulder and a cup of her own in the other hand.

I am not sure how we ended up talking so long. She offered me her coffee, which I refused. She offered to pay for the one that had been spilled. And again, I refused. Next thing I know, I was sitting in booth and we had been talking for hours about nothing at all. I have no idea how I got so swept up in her. She had these large grey eyes and she grinned with such ease. She was reading Les Miserables, just because. Her name was Denise. However, I like calling her Sunshine much better.

"I was thinking that I could drive out to our usual spot, I pick you up, and then we can head out. I would pack light, though."

As I was talking, I noticed a piece of folded paper on the counter. Opening it up, I instantly recognized Sienna's handwriting. It was starting to get that bubbly teenage girl look, losing the young girl messy script that I had been used to. There was a sudden pang in the center of my gut as I stood there, looking at this note. What was I doing? If someone were to even think about doing anything remotely like this to either of my daughters, I would pull their heart out through their ribs. And yet, here I was, doing this to my wife. For weeks I had been doing this. I knew it was wrong. I did not even try to justify it to myself. My wife had done nothing to deserve me doing this to her. My daughters would never understand why their father had broken their mother's heart. Every decent bone in my body told me that I should just hang up the phone and say goodbye to Denise forever.

"Something wrong?"

Denise had noticed the awkward pause and the long silence. She also knew what it meant. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened. It was small things that make me regret these phone calls, these trips to our usual spot, and everything else Denise and I had shared. Innocent things like pictures, notes, reminders of soccer games and piano recitals. And every once in a while, that perfect evening where I remember why I married my wife and what I love about my kids. If I had any shred of decency left, I would tell Denise everything that is wrong with what we were doing.

"No," I answered finally, sliding my glasses from on top of my head to the bridge of my nose, "Daughter left me a note on the counter is all."

"You know, if you having second thoughts about this weekend we don't have to go. We can just meet at our normal spot. I'm fine with doing that."

That was my Sunshine. So understanding.

"No, I'm still coming. Both of my girls will be out of the house for the weekend. And I'm sure that I can come up with something to tell my wife. I might not have to say anything at all. I'm sure she wouldn't notice if I was gone or not."

The whole trip had been my idea in the first place. It was the rush that it gave me that made me stick with it. I have absolutely no intention of a having serious relationship with Denise. No, the trip was solely for the feeling of the adrenaline that coursed through my veins every time I thought about it. Just wondering if I could do this and get away with it. Would my wife catch me? Or would I come home from that weekend and my life continue on as normal? My normal life was stale and bored me. I had a nice wife. I had good kids. But there was no excitement in that any more. But this thing with Denise, it was new, it was stimulating, it thrilled me. It was me being an adrenaline junkie without having to find some high place to jump off of. It was me not being bland and predictable. It was me making bad choices and risky decisions, throwing caution to the wind, finally.

Everything was in place. Now all I had to do was wait for the day to come. I closed my phone and placed it haphazardly on the counter somewhere. I stood my silent house, finishing my coffee. I put my glasses back on top of my head. I was not ready to face the day just yet.

Updating ramble

So, starting my third week of rotations and the only thing I can really say about it is that I hate the hours. And going to bed as early as I do in order to get up in the morning makes me feel like an old woman. But I would much rather be doing this than being stuck studying for the Step like I was a few months ago. So complaining must be kept down to a minimum.

NaNoWriMo is in two months. I think I might have an idea of what I want to do. Not sure if it is going to pan out or not, but we will see. It is an idea that I had for a story quite a long time ago. Probably around '06 or so. I'm not sure if I can make it into a 50k story or not. But we'll see. I haven't been struck with any new ideas anyway. So I might as well use this one.

It's a fantasy story. For some reason, I have been wanting to stay away from fantasy stuff. I had been writing a lot of it for a long time, so I wanted to expand my scope by writing other things. But now that I can't think of anything to novel this year, I have gone right back to my fantasy beginnings. Not sure if that is good thing or bad thing. However, I should probably start plotting some time soon. Not sure when I'm going to have to time for that. This rotation, and it's crazy hours, doesn't end until the middle of next month. Doesn't exactly leave me a whole lot of time to work my storyline out.

The story will involve lots of magic, because for some reason I am just drawn to that kind of thing. And for some reason, I am drawn to writing male characters. I barely write female characters any more. I'm not sure why. Maybe I find it more interesting because I'm not a guy.

Speaking of writing, I tried to hammer out a story recently. I got it about halfway written. I got the idea for this story from reading something totally unrelated the subject matter. There was just a short ramble along the lines of "What if instead, this had happened?". And I thought to myself, "Huh, that would be cool. I think I will write that." I might make it a Daily Write, who knows. I just want to get it finished some time in the near future.

Daily Write - Built for Reverence

It was adoration for the Sun which made this place exist. It was reverence for the Moon which pulled this place into being. It was the acknowledgment of the push and pull that happens in front of our eyes constantly. And the realization we can do nothing but be a part of the wax and wane that caused this place. This temple was a construct to remind us. A glorification of things unknown. A glorification of the mystery that is this world. This is the Temple of Gamond.

The temple houses three sanctums. One side devoted to the Sun, which sits in the east. The other to the Moon, which sits in the west. And in the center is the sanctum dedicated to life created in the midst of these two heavenly bodies. Inside the Sactum of the Moon sits the Seat of Lesser Light. A silvery throne, crafted so that its beauty is from subtlety. The calm shimmer from its demure arrangement and design cascades along the walls.Ripples effortlessly flowing from one concentric point in constant motion. Here people come and pray, kneeling before the stars, bathed in silver cascades. They clasps their hands together, white knuckled, focused on the Seat that covers them in lesser light.

Inside the Sanctum of the Sun is the Seat of Dawn. A towering throne, dazzling, glowing with light all its own. The burning star personified in materials from the earth and crafted into an object of sovereignty.There is no prayer here. No one kneeling and making earnest petition. Only shouts. Loud raising of voices often paired with drums and dancing. Brilliant and bright as the Sun is the manner of those who enter in this sactum and become before the Seat of Dawn. They dance and shout in the gleaming rays of the sactum and the greater light.

But for all the majesty that are these two sanctums dedicated to the celestial bodies above, I was never drawn to either as much as I was drawn to the Sanctum of The World. Here there is no seat, no throne to be occupied by an outside thing we cannot reach. There is no light from thrones. No, here grows the Tree of Beginnings, a monolithic spread of branches and leaves that stretch towards the heavens. A part of this world that has been here since before the Ages that is now surrounded by lesser trees and flowering plants; gardens that sprout things of beauty. Things that remind us of life and how it hangs in the balance of things unknown. There is no bowing of knees here. There is no chanting and beating of ceremonial drums. There is just us, beneath trees and among the grass. Us and only us. Men and women. And the world.

This is the Temple of Gamond. This is the acknowledgment our people have for the things we understand and the reverence we have for the things we do not. We pray, we rejoice, we live. And we do this under the light of the Sun and Moon.

Ideas on the Shelf

A few days ago, I went through all my old books and notebooks and purged myself all of the crap that I had accumulated over the past 6 years or so. Most of the stuff that I came across were old notes and handouts that I could get rid of. I was amazed at just how much I had amassed in such a short time. Then I stumbled across an old notebook that I hadn't looked at in years. During my years in undergrad, I started playing roleplaying. It was mostly D&D campaigns that I participated in, but I did play other games as well. And in this old three ring binder, I found the character sheets of the last few characters that I played before I retired my dice. Not only did I have the character sheets, but I also had the back stories and any extra things I had written up for them. I had forgotten some of the ideas that I had come with. And it was entertaining to go back over them.

The most elaborate character I made writing wise was Tesara Avion, a character for a Star Wars campaign. After reading her back story, I wanted to go back and flesh out this world that I had created for this character. She was from a jungle planet and lived in a village that was built in a canopy. I could see that I had a lot of ideas flying around at one time, some interesting and others not so much. But now I want to bring that world back to life somehow. Maybe not the whole Star Wars part of it, but the civilization that I was building does have a bit of merit to it. It made me wonder what this would have led to world building wise had I completed it.

So I put the binder back on the bookshelf, with a number of other story ideas that I had written down and forgotten about. Maybe one day I will be able to sit down with this idea that I had many years ago and finally make it into something tangible.

Some light reading.

I bought a some books a few months ago and had yet to crack any of them with any reading that did them justice. About two nights ago, I found myself with some time on my hands and my normal time filler of playing video games had gotten a bit old. So I thought I would do something constructive and finally read one of those books. Me being me, I picked up the smallest of the three: "How to write Science Fiction and Fantasy" by Orson Scott Card. I didn't get through the first chapter before I wanted to put the book down and start writing again. Of course I hadn't even gotten to his tips on making writing better yet. Awesome way to jump the gun on that one. I bargained with myself that I could pick up my pen once I got through the first chapter. Good thing, since the second chapter is World Creation. Something that I love and need to get better at.

So I have gotten though the first three chapters and it showed me one thing very quickly. While I have a number of ideas in my head, I don't really have a story. There is nothing cohesive about all these thoughts I have floating around. I just have characters in places that do things, but to no end. To be quite honest, that realization was frustrating. To think that you are at one place in your journey, only to be shown that you aren't as far along as you thought you were. My want to write had just been shot in the foot.

To be honest, the writer in me feels a little tapped. Like I am just pumping a dry well and there is nothing left to give at this point. Not sure if that is writer's block or what. I am thinking that perhaps I should read more and see if that helps my creativity any. I haven't really read anything outside of textbooks and things school related in quite some time. I do believe the last book I finished was Witch of Cologne and that was quite a while ago.

Hopefully, I will finish this little book before things go into full swing at school. And then I can take what I have learned and use it as frame work as I try and build my own story in the future.

What do I think?

There are times when I hear things or read things on forums that make me sit back and think. Today is one of those days. I was reading though some forum posts and came across some chatter about submitting work to be published. A person said they had written something, but was hesitant to submit the work. In response, there were several people pushing him to do it. Their reasoning? He was a good writer. He had good ideas. Surely his stuff would catch the publisher's eye.

This made me wonder a couple of things. Several of them I will discuss now. I guess I am more of cynic now than I was in previous years. I was not one to throw my hat in the ring cheerleaders as they hooraw-ed this person's writing prowess. Personally, I am not acquainted with the work of said person, but I think that is beside the point. I felt like the reasoning these "cheerleaders" were giving why the work should be published and seen was, for the lack of a better word, naive. How many excellent writers with mind blowing ideas will never have their work bound and on the shelves? How many great stories are being mailed back with rejection letters attached to them? Having a good story is not good enough. Now I understand that sounds awful. Especially coming from a person that wants to have a book with her name on it one day.

Here was my second thought. Was this person's work actually as good as this group was clambering it was or were they just doing the same thing they always did? Praise anyone who could string a sentence together that was close to coherence. While I understand the creator of any project is the worst critic of that creation, that doesn't mean you don't know when someone is blowing smoke up your skirt. And I have seen lots of people who are prone to do this on this site. Anything you sneeze out on the screen in paragraph form seems to be great. They can't wait for you to write more. The story is beyond awesome. They are loving it. Any time I see a slew of responses in this fashion, I think two things. One, this person's writing must be mind blowingly awesome. Two, this person is surrounded by yes men and they could run their knuckles blindly across the keyboard and still get praises for putting together something so wonderful. I find yes men to be the most dangerous. They give a false belief that work is good when it's not. And those who could actually help make improvements now sound bitter and spiteful.

Sure, everyone wants to be praised for their work. But a person serious about a craft will want to get better more than he wants to hear praise and receive patting on the back. Pat my back when my work is in print. However, that is how I feel about things. I can't really speak for anyone else.

Now, with all that being said, do I think that this person should not send their work in? Actually, it depends. If they are serious and that is the final product of their efforts, then I say go for it. If they have polished and revised and workshopped that thing until they feel this is it, then bite that bullet and see what happens. But I wouldn't send it in a moment before. When it comes to writing, I don't think there will ever be a time when you think your story is perfect. There is always something to change, something to work on. But there will be that feeling of "It's time to leave things alone" and you have to put your hands up and step away. That's when I would submit.

So how to tie all this up in a nice and neat little bow? I think being published takes more than having a good idea on paper. What else is needed, I am not entirely sure myself. Take praise, but keep your eyes open when you are getting it. The moment you think you have arrived is the moment you will start to fall. And lastly, take a stab at it. The worst thing that could happen is receiving a rejection letter. And that just places you exactly where you were when you started.

Less writing than I wanted

Wow, my blogs have definitely taken a nose dive over the past two months. I will trying my best to rectify that. The daily writes are really what kept me posting, but I haven't really been in the writer mood as of late. I don't really know why. But I suppose it is true what they say, if you wait for the mood then you will never get anything done.

I really don't have much in the way of ideas right now. It's like the idea doesn't really go anywhere or what my focus is on the idea is probably the most boring thing ever. It's annoying. I was working on two scripts at the same time and both are being stymied by two different things. The first one doesn't really have a story, just a cast of characters and a premise. However, it doesn't go anywhere. There really isn't much to say. I know there is a story there somewhere, I just haven't figured out what it is.

The second one, it just feels like I'm telling a boring story and I got lost in the long winding yarn of inconsequential. I am not sure how it happened or how I am to get back. Sure I love all the background stuff that I'm putting down on the paper, but it doesn't make for the greatest story. There isn't a point.

So now I'm frustrated with the whole thing. Two ideas with lots of potential and one writer who has no idea what to do with them.

Fanfic, a waste of time?

I suppose it was the natural progression of things. I like writing. I like roleplaying. Then the worlds collided and I started writing stories about the characters that I was playing. Part of me feels very guilty when I sit down and craft out an entire story based on a roleplay character. Especially if that character is based in WoW. Every single time, I feel like I am wasting my time. I should be putting my energy into writing something "real". And by real, I probably just mean the story isn't based off of something that another person created. I'm not entirely sure why I feel like this. I mean, writing is writing and you can only get better at writing if you write, right? What does it matter if I am cutting my teeth on some fan fiction? Sure I can't land the latest bestseller with it, but does that really matter?

But no, there is this voice in the back of my head that keeps screaming that I am wasting time. That I should be working on things that could possibly be published and not mess around with things that really aren't going to matter in the long run. But writing for my rp characters is so much fun. I love fleshing them out and making them real. I love giving them side stories and backgrounds and adding dimensions to them. And what I love most of all is having other players see these stories and understanding my character a bit more.

So it is a constant fight. Write side stories for my rp characters or write stories that could possibly go into a book that will have my name on it. Right now, WoW fanfiction is winning.