I create for me

I am feeling very ranty right now, so here it goes.

I remember a conversation that I had a little while ago and I was pretty upset by it. And thinking about it, I am still pretty upset by it. Most likely because this conversation keeps resurfacing, just in different forms. I have been writing for quite a long time. So anyone that knows me is pretty well acquainted with the fact that it is something I do and do with a passion. So there is a person close to me whose knee jerk reaction to just about everything is to assume that you are doing nothing. It doesn't matter what the situation is or how important the situation is. You aren't doing anything about it. It's not just me that this happens to. Everyone gets accused of doing nothing. But it doesn't make it any less annoying.

So the start of the conversation was me being accused of wasting my time when I could be writing. That I probably hadn't written anything in months. I should be writing instead of doing whatever it was that I was supposedly doing. I wanted to bite the person. How dare they?! I had been writing constantly! Just because I hadn't been talking about it, don't just come at me, telling me that I have been doing nothing. Then came the lame excuse of "Well how was I suppose to know?" How about asking? That tends to work when you want to know information.

The continuation of this conversation falls into the "why aren't your writing stuff that could be published?" category. I tend to write things that don't fall into the publishing category, like short fan fics or random clippets of things that are running around in my head that don't really have a place in a story. Well not yet anyway. But I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with it. If anything, I am making my writing better by seeing what works and what doesn't. And while the end goal is getting my name on a cover of a book that other people read, that isn't always my drive. I create stories because I want to. Because I like putting my thoughts down on paper. Not everything I do has to be driven by monetary return. I think the statement that burned me here was, "Well you need to stop messing around and hurry up and get published." Seriously? This is what you want to say to me?

It's like this person believes I can just walk into a some magic publishing warehouse, add my book to the pile, and say "Get that on the shelves for me. Thanks, you're such a doll.". Again, this person is going to make me bite them.

And the conversation rounds the bend with the constant talk of me writing and finally getting a novel done. And not encouragement, no, why would they ever do that? It's those backhanded comments. I was talking about bettering my computer in order to play video games on it. The response I get, "Well, I thought you would be using your spare time to write, so you can publish your book." Really? You and I are about to stop speaking. Keep messing with me. And here is what really gets a rise out of me. This person is supposed to be writing as well; the same as me. But do they have anything done? Nope! And yet they think they can give me a whole bunch of advice on what I'm supposed to be doing. Next time I hear this noise, I am going to tell them I will show them my book if they show me theirs.

I create because I want to. I write because I want to. And yes, there are times when I am slacking and procrastinating. But seriously, writing is my hobby and I will enjoy it. I am not working on anyone else's schedule. I don't care if you think I should have a dozen books published by now or you think I am wasting time working on frivolous pieces that aren't going to amount to anything. I will do what I want. I don't create for you. I create for me.

Now back to our friendly programming already in progress!

Juicing - Tapping out

So yeah, I didn't make it to day 3. Fought off the food cravings for as long as possible, but gave in and ate. I suppose I can be a bit proud of myself. I went two full days without any solid food. And my entire fridge is filled produce, so I will be eating on that instead of eating fast food for a while.

I will most likely be trying this again the near future. Maybe try to go for four days next time instead and use 10 days as the big celebratory goal. I am still going to be using my juicer, just not solely. But I have to say, even though it was only two days, I did like what I saw on the scale this morning. Definitely going to be working hard to keep pushing that number down.

I want to get down on myself for not being able to hang on longer, but that is not really going to help at all. I just keep telling myself that I will do better next time. And for now, just be proud that you even undertook this whole thing at all. I could have been eating pizza and Chinese. Instead, I chose this. It counts.

Juicing - Day 2

So, I have officially gotten the first day of this Juice Quest (thanks to my sister for that name) under my belt. For the most part it wasn't bad, until night came. It seemed all I could think about was what I would have been making for dinner. I found that my brain seems to equate dinner with something salty. I think I am going to have to look up some juices that have spices or something in them. It would probably help curb some of the craving feelings that happen late at night. I did cheat. I had water with a bouillon cube before going to bed last night. My goodness, it was so satisfying. Hence the reason I think I need to find something that has some spice in it. I am not really after the food, I just wanted something that wasn't sweet tasting.

So my first day of this quest started out with my juicer breaking. Yes, I was in the  middle of making my Mean Green Juice and the thing conked out. I wasn't surprised. It was a pretty cheap machine to begin with and I hadn't really used it for much aside from juicing small things, like grapes. So I went and bought a new one. I have to say, the sound of this thing scares the crap out of me every time I turn it on. But I am slowly falling in love with it.

For breakfast this morning, I had something called the Rise and Shine. It is carrots and oranges. It was absolutely delicious. I would drink this for breakfast even if I wasn't doing this. I want to go home and make this for my family so they can try it out. In case you want to make it for yourself...

4 carrots

2 navel oranges

That's it. Throw them in the juicer and love all of it. I thought I would be crazily craving food at this point, but honestly, I'm not. I drink my juice, drink my water and then go on about my day. I picked the best time to do this, because right now I'm hanging out at home and I don't have to encounter food. It would probably be harder if I were at school or hanging out with friends, because any time we have to ourselves, we have to eat. And my friends know the best places to eat.

I remember distinctly I was out at the movies with my friends last year. After the movie, we wanted to go out and eat. One of the people in our group said no. After some prodding, he let us know that he wasn't eating any solid foods and that he was just drinking juice and water. We all looked at him like he was crazy. Why would anyone want to do that to themselves willingly? We told him good luck with his insanity, we were going to get dinner. Never thought that I would be following in his foot steps a year later. I am not sure if I would have been able to say no. Especially if it was my favorite place to eat out. Not really going to test that theory any time soon.

So onwards with Day 2!

Juicing? Why not!

So, last week I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" that was about an Australian guy named Joe Cross who was overweight and had a condition called chronic urticaria. He decided to go on a 60 day juicing fast and record his journey. Needless to say, it was quite inspirational. So much so, that I decided to give it a go for 10 days.

I definitely have some reservations about it. I don't think that I have gone more that 24 hours without eating solid food and now I'm about to sign on for 10 days. My brain is giving me a ton of reasons why this is the worst decision I could make. But, I'm doing it anyway. And there is no better time than the present. It's summer time, I'm not in rotations any more. I have time to prepare the juices. I just need to close my eyes and take the dive.

I am going to use this time to jump start that whole transformation that I talked about in my last blog. I know that it is not going to be the easiest thing, but I should focus more on how things are going to be in the end instead of how things will feel in the beginning.

I am thinking about blogging about how things are going. Hopefully it just won't be me talking about food. I will probably just need a place to talk out all the thoughts in my head while I try this out. Hmm, that probably means there is going to be some food talk.

I'm adding in other things too, because it just feels right to do so. I have never fasted just for health reasons. Usually whenever I have been on a fast, it is for spiritual reasons. I think focusing on God and my Christian walk will give my mind something to occupied with, so I am not thinking about eating. This will give me the opportunity to dig into some things that I have been putting off for a while.

So, everything starts tomorrow. I picked up all my groceries tonight, have my juice recipes taped on my cabinet above juicer, and am cleaning all dishes so I don't even see remnants of food. So, here it goes, guys. Wish me luck.

Daily Write - Experimental Reaction

I guess I was supposed to be angry. My nostrils were supposed to flare and I was to succumb to a deluge of rage. I guess was supposed to scream so loud that my veins would show and my skin would change colors. That would be a normal reaction. That would be the expected reaction. How else would a person handle the fact that their life had only served as someone else's play thing and everything previous was scrubbed away?

However, I found myself doing none of those things. There was no reaction, actually. There was no insurmountable rise of emotion within me whatsoever. No questions being posed in my mind as I am given the reply of what my life had been like before the day I woke up. It was like staring at the life of a stranger whose only similarity was that they had my face. And then being told the stranger was not one at all. It was in fact me. Me before I was chosen.

I have no memory of this life I had been told I once lived. A lasting effect of the experiments they explain. To prevent me for having a reason to leave the Facility and go searching. It is probably the same reason I cannot make myself feel anything about this situation.

I felt more like a ghost, haunting a dream, drifting through the surrealism that was pictures of me with a family. Mother, father, even a puppy. Very odd, seeing how I'm not sure I like dogs. From what I could tell, I was normal once. Normal and happy.

I don't wonder where they are now, the people in these pictures. Or how long it has been since I last laid eyes on them. They are strangers, just like the person who shares my face. I have no more connection to them than anyone else I would pass in the street. I have no longing or wish to have any of those memories back. What good would they serve me?

No, there is no anger. Everything that happened to me before I was awoken was taken and I can never get it back. I have been one man's experiment, quite a successful experiment at that. I could not become the person in the pictures again if I wanted. I suppose the only thing I feel now is broken. Broken and unattached.

The Quest Begins

Feels like I make this decision all the time. I sit down and take an inventory of my life and decide what it is that needs to be tweaked, rearranged or just plain gotten rid of. But there are some things that I am afraid to say out loud for fear that I will fail. And the fact that I said it will come back and haunt me. So, I don't say them and if I fail, then no one would be the wiser.

But that is probably the wrong approach to a challenge, planning for your failure instead of imagining success. Always thinking "Well, you tried this once and you are still in the same spot you were in before. Not quite sure why you think it is going to be different this time around." But, despite the doubts, I am going to make my decision to do this anyway. And perhaps writing about it will help it stick this time around.

I'm not doing anything novel or something that thousands have not done before. I am aiming for a happier, healthier, improved me. There, I said it. I am looking for a head to toe, inside and out, improvement of everything. I know it sounds like a pretty large order (and that's because it is) but I'm up for the challenge. And here is why.

A year from now I will be ending a chapter in my life that has been pretty long and will be starting something new, in a new place. And I want to start this chapter in my life being happy and healthy and at my best. I am a bit tired of wishing that something miraculous would happen and I would suddenly be healthier. It is time to put in the work and head towards that goal.

So I suppose if I should just be frank about everything. Right now, I am just not happy with anything. I'm overweight, diabetic, pre-hypertension, always feel tired, still have break outs even though I left puberty a long time ago, hair has broken off because of stress and me generally not taking care of it, and this is just the physical part of things.

Recently I have had to deal with depression, anxiety, being overly introverted and the general feeling of being locked away from the world. And I am only doing it myself because I have this fear of...something. Rejection, not fitting in? Who knows. But I'm tired of it. I am quite tired of all of it. I am ready for something different.

So here is the start I suppose. My quest return to a happy and healthy me that I left behind some years ago. And just keep pushing until I get there.

A Surprising evaluation

I am probably going to sound like a broken record, seeing how I think I have already written about how easy it is to believe the worst about things. But I am going to write about it again. Because...well because I can. I had a sit down for a midterm evaluation. I was dreading this like no one's business. I was trying to come up with all the reasons why I was good enough. I already had my list ready to go in order to defend myself and why my entire class was better than me.

So the meeting starts and I am handed my folder. Wonderful, my evals. I never look at these things. Ignorance is bliss. But I open up the folder because I have no choice. I was absolutely bowled over when I saw all the high marks. What? I had impressed these people? How? Why? Me? The shock only continued when the evaluation continued and my only criticism was that I wasn't assertive enough. I was genuinely liked and told that I had an interesting personality but I didn't let people see enough of it.

Well that was not what I was expecting at all. Why do I always think that people are going to reject me? Why am I always scared that I am not going to measure up to everyone else? Why do I always think that I'm less? No one else seems to be thinking this, so why do I assume that they do? While I have no answers for any of these questions, it is still nice to be reminded that I'm not at the bottom of the barrel and I don't have to always feel like people think I'm less than.