One Me, Two sides

I have always been fascinated by those how have hewed themselves out a spot on the internet. People who blog and vlog and now have an audience just for the sole reason they have found something that speaks to others. And with the amount and abilities of social networking on the rise, it is so much easier now to find these people who have decided "I have something to say. And let who ever will listen come and listen".

Part of me wonders just how far I could take that. Sure, I think it would be exciting to be an internet persona of sorts. But, I worry about if that would affect my real life aspirations. It is now starting to become common place for interviewers for residencies to Google your name and see what they can find. They are trawling Facebook, seeing what pictures of you can be pulled up and getting glimpses into your life before you can even step through the door.

I always feel like I am straddling the line between the person that I actually am and the person that I have created on the Internet. They are nothing more than different sides of the same coin, but I feel that I can only show one side to those who see me face to face every day. Total honesty about my hobbies in the world of medicine only gets me weird looks and raised eyebrows. So instead, I keep my mouth shut and talk about my passions in life via the land of the 'Net. Knowing this, I can't imagine what would happen if I had to interview with someone who had seen some vlog I had put together with me wearing a blue wig. (Not that there is one. I'm just saying.)

It feels like I live in a world that is surrounded by the old guard. For the sake of professionalism, certain things are sacrificed. Certain actions are prohibited. I am expected to fall in line and behave in a manner that is representative of the post that I have chosen to stand at at this point in my life. And part of me resents that. Part of me resents that I have gotten this far and there is still this high school-like mentality of who fits in and who doesn't. But, the rest of me simply gives up and walks away.

Don't get me wrong, I would not change what I am doing with my life. It is what I want. It is my dream that I have had for years. I just wish that other things I want to try weren't walled off to me. However, I might be being very over dramatic about this whole thing. Perhaps there is no restrictions whatsoever. Maybe they are only false beliefs about something that isn't there. It is very possible that I could be entirely wrong and there is nothing stopping me, nothing at all. Maybe it is my own uncertainty that is standing in the way.

Doing everything but...

So it is that time again. Time where I engage in everything except for what I am actually supposed to be doing. It is like my brain went on vacation and has not decided when it wants to come back. Actually it has decided, and that time is NEVER. My brain is literally taken over by things that shouldn't rank so high in priority right now. All I can really think about is the many creative ventures that I have picked up over the years. I want to write. I want to draw. I want to read books. I want to do everything except study and focus on being a med student. You would think that would be of some importance to me. But no, somehow improving my art skills and penning my next short story just seem way more important.

I think if I put myself back on some semblance of a schedule, I could actually get work done and some of my creative stuff done too. But that goes back to my brain being on vacation. And I'm talking, it has peaced out for real. Most days, I don't leave my bedroom. I sleep here. I read here. I brainstorm here. Why leave it? When my alarm goes off, I feel no urge to actually get up. The thing rings, I cut it off and simply roll over.

But yeah, I need to get back into some kind of routine. While I am greatly enjoying the amount of time that I have had off from not having to study, I need to jump back into it. I was super efficient back in the days of hard core study mode, all day, every day. While I don't really need to break my neck like that, I do need to at least go half way.

Speaking of creative things that I am doing, I just finished up a banner for this blog to use as a siggy. For a banner, I think it looks spiffy. The text is boring, but I will do a better job next time.

Some light reading.

I bought a some books a few months ago and had yet to crack any of them with any reading that did them justice. About two nights ago, I found myself with some time on my hands and my normal time filler of playing video games had gotten a bit old. So I thought I would do something constructive and finally read one of those books. Me being me, I picked up the smallest of the three: "How to write Science Fiction and Fantasy" by Orson Scott Card. I didn't get through the first chapter before I wanted to put the book down and start writing again. Of course I hadn't even gotten to his tips on making writing better yet. Awesome way to jump the gun on that one. I bargained with myself that I could pick up my pen once I got through the first chapter. Good thing, since the second chapter is World Creation. Something that I love and need to get better at.

So I have gotten though the first three chapters and it showed me one thing very quickly. While I have a number of ideas in my head, I don't really have a story. There is nothing cohesive about all these thoughts I have floating around. I just have characters in places that do things, but to no end. To be quite honest, that realization was frustrating. To think that you are at one place in your journey, only to be shown that you aren't as far along as you thought you were. My want to write had just been shot in the foot.

To be honest, the writer in me feels a little tapped. Like I am just pumping a dry well and there is nothing left to give at this point. Not sure if that is writer's block or what. I am thinking that perhaps I should read more and see if that helps my creativity any. I haven't really read anything outside of textbooks and things school related in quite some time. I do believe the last book I finished was Witch of Cologne and that was quite a while ago.

Hopefully, I will finish this little book before things go into full swing at school. And then I can take what I have learned and use it as frame work as I try and build my own story in the future.

I made it to 85!

Well now that WoW has let go of my brain for a little bit, I suppose I can sit down and write a blog about it. Yes, because while it has released it's vice like grip on me, it still sits in the corner, giving me the eye. Anyway, 7 months after expansion pack release, I have hit the level cap. It felt awesome. Would have felt more awesome of someone had actually been awake to see it happen. But whatever. I dinged 85 and I promptly passed out. Now I have hit the level cap conundrum. What am I to do now?

Of course there are the obvious answers of "Go and get yourself some gear!" and I have to say that I was a bit resistant to that, at first. I am not entirely sure what my issue is when it comes to dungeons. I ran them all the time in Burning Crusade and then suddenly, I cracked. I didn't want to touch another dungeon. I didn't want to see another raid. They were just long, painful, arduous things. I would just rather forget them all together. But now that WoW has changed so many things, I am wondering if running dungeons are less painful.

But my brain starts wigging out the moment I think about it with a whole bunch of, "You don't know the fights. What if you end up being a huntard? What if you wipe the group? They will yell at you!" and it kind of paralyzes me. So instead, I went into some Battlegrounds. Surprisingly, those were really fun. I like the fact that they were timed and we didn't have to stay in there forever. I like that you can get in, fight, and get out without feeling like your entire life is spent in one encounter. I'm sure that I will get over my dungeon slump. Until, battlegrounds so I can get my welfare epics.

But what were my non-obvious answers to what I was going to do now that I'm post-85? Well, it was time to hit up everything that I skipped over in my quest to hit the level cap. First, I was going to work on First Aid. Don't know about anyone else, but those Firelands dailies can be brutal and there are times when I need a band-aid. However, I sold all the cloth I found early on and never bothered leveling First Aid. Now it is time to rectify that. Cloth in the auction house is ridiculous (which is why I was selling it), so I either part with my dailies money or go and find it myself.

I want to level fishing, just because. I guess it is something that I enjoy about the game. Just standing there, catching virtual fish to cook later. I think it goes back to my rp tavern running days. I actually enjoyed doing things like that. So all of my characters must have maxed fishing levels. It is going to take a little bit to max out fishing however. When one of the patches came through and I didn't have to feed my pet to make it happy, I didn't have a reason to fish any more. Just press Mend Pet and keep it moving. Now I fish just to make the different cooking recipes.

That's the next thing. I have decided that I am going to make several of the Feast recipes from WotLK and put them in the guild bank. Might come in handy when we have those rp events where everyone just sits down and talks. Yeah, it's a silly prop and we could just rp the food that is there, but I want to do this and so I am doing it. Gathering the ingredients will take some time, but heck, I'm 85. I have all the time in the world.

So my list continues on with things of that nature. Leveling secondary professions, farming up things for the auction house for a little side cash in case I find some big ticket item I want, explore things that I left behind in Outland, blah blah blah. Just ways of making sure that the game doesn't get old and boring for me too quickly. I'm not ready to jump in and level alts yet. Sure they are fun to play around on, but no one else is getting to 85 in the near future.

Part of me would love to transfer my mage over, seeing how she is 83 and just collecting dust. Having two 85's would be nice. But I am not going to throw out money for the transfer and the faction switch. I will just have to have another 85 the hard way. Also, I am still not feeling the mage.

So yeah, that's it for my WoW ramble.

What do I think?

There are times when I hear things or read things on forums that make me sit back and think. Today is one of those days. I was reading though some forum posts and came across some chatter about submitting work to be published. A person said they had written something, but was hesitant to submit the work. In response, there were several people pushing him to do it. Their reasoning? He was a good writer. He had good ideas. Surely his stuff would catch the publisher's eye.

This made me wonder a couple of things. Several of them I will discuss now. I guess I am more of cynic now than I was in previous years. I was not one to throw my hat in the ring cheerleaders as they hooraw-ed this person's writing prowess. Personally, I am not acquainted with the work of said person, but I think that is beside the point. I felt like the reasoning these "cheerleaders" were giving why the work should be published and seen was, for the lack of a better word, naive. How many excellent writers with mind blowing ideas will never have their work bound and on the shelves? How many great stories are being mailed back with rejection letters attached to them? Having a good story is not good enough. Now I understand that sounds awful. Especially coming from a person that wants to have a book with her name on it one day.

Here was my second thought. Was this person's work actually as good as this group was clambering it was or were they just doing the same thing they always did? Praise anyone who could string a sentence together that was close to coherence. While I understand the creator of any project is the worst critic of that creation, that doesn't mean you don't know when someone is blowing smoke up your skirt. And I have seen lots of people who are prone to do this on this site. Anything you sneeze out on the screen in paragraph form seems to be great. They can't wait for you to write more. The story is beyond awesome. They are loving it. Any time I see a slew of responses in this fashion, I think two things. One, this person's writing must be mind blowingly awesome. Two, this person is surrounded by yes men and they could run their knuckles blindly across the keyboard and still get praises for putting together something so wonderful. I find yes men to be the most dangerous. They give a false belief that work is good when it's not. And those who could actually help make improvements now sound bitter and spiteful.

Sure, everyone wants to be praised for their work. But a person serious about a craft will want to get better more than he wants to hear praise and receive patting on the back. Pat my back when my work is in print. However, that is how I feel about things. I can't really speak for anyone else.

Now, with all that being said, do I think that this person should not send their work in? Actually, it depends. If they are serious and that is the final product of their efforts, then I say go for it. If they have polished and revised and workshopped that thing until they feel this is it, then bite that bullet and see what happens. But I wouldn't send it in a moment before. When it comes to writing, I don't think there will ever be a time when you think your story is perfect. There is always something to change, something to work on. But there will be that feeling of "It's time to leave things alone" and you have to put your hands up and step away. That's when I would submit.

So how to tie all this up in a nice and neat little bow? I think being published takes more than having a good idea on paper. What else is needed, I am not entirely sure myself. Take praise, but keep your eyes open when you are getting it. The moment you think you have arrived is the moment you will start to fall. And lastly, take a stab at it. The worst thing that could happen is receiving a rejection letter. And that just places you exactly where you were when you started.

Daily Write - A Single Person

Too small, Insignificant, Not enough
These are the fearful words that I hear every day
Spilling from the trembling lips of those who are afraid
Afraid they can't do anything to rattle these cages


Those wavering eyes that look and wish
A being that yearns to be able to change, something, anything
But I only hear, If only things were different


If only I had more
If only I were more
If only I had become more, done more
If only, if only, if only
These are the words that I hear every day.


Feet stilled by fear of a belief
A belief that being just a person has made you insignificant
That you are incapable of changing this place where we all sit
Because somehow being simply a person is not enough


Every day, I hear this fear swirling about me from the trembling lips of those who are afraid
Flecks of sands in desert, how dare we dream outside of confines we can never break
How dare we wish to fashion something better, larger, bigger
We are too small, insignificant, not enough


I am but a person. Simple, small, not enough
Plagued  by fears, if onlys, and the human condition
Marred by jaded imperfections and short comings.
But I will dare to challenge this world. Because there is something larger than my fear of not being enough
What happens to those who are waiting?
Waiting for someone to scream at the sky. And we keep our mouths closed?

Daily Write - This Side of the Rift

It is different when you are people like us. The entire world is different. It is because no one can experience the world and the people in it the way we can. And we are incapable of knowing this world in the way that the majority of those living in it do. It is a rift that neither side can jump over. But if given the chance, would either of us make that switch? I wish I could explain myself better than that, but there are no words. At least none that I can put together.


It is why I stay close to those who are like me. To those who understand me. Who can experience the same thing that I do. Even if they spend their whole lives trying to run from it and pretend like it doesn't happen to them. I know that in some twisted, inexplicable way we are all family, connected to each other even if we don't want to be. Those who are not like us don't have that haunt glowing in their eyes. That secret that hides just beneath the surface of their skin. Not like we do. Not like we all do.


I have learned how to spot another one of us without having to speak. We all seem to have that same look on our faces. That same searching, hunting down countenance, as if we are all chasing after the same thing. Despite the fact that we all know that what we are looking for does not exist. But we all run after it anyway. We all hope that if we just keeping going, it will find us. All of us, except for me.


I understand the thing I want the most has never existed and it is not going to come into being just because I spend my life looking for it. Instead, I will just make myself content in this spot. I will stay here with those who are like me. Those who are no longer running and have made peace with this side of the line, this edge of the rift. Those of us who look at the other side and only imagine what is like to experience the world as they do.

Daily Write - To Be King

The doors broke open, loudly. The banging of them hitting the adjacent walls echoed into the silence. The two guards stationed outside slumped into lifeless piles on the ground. Like useless matching rags dropped from the hands of one who no longer needed them any more. One sole man remained in the room, seated in a large chair at the head of a table, his  long fingers steepled together in front of his face.

The setting sun cast its last rays through the large rectangular windows, shedding light on the person responsible for kicking in the door as the man at the table was seated in the shadows. There was silence as the two did little more than look at one another.

"It took you long enough," the seated man replied, "I was beginning to think that you had changed your mind."

"You knew it was me who was coming?" the younger man asked, head shifting in slight amusement as a malevolent grin played along the edges of his lips.

"What kind of man would I be if I had let you catch me by surprise?" the seated man replied, folding his fingers down, making his face more visible. The lines along his face and forehead became much more visible, showing that youth had fled from him long ago. The only intense part of his being left were the eyes that stared at the man in front of him.

"You're bluffing, old man," the younger scoffed, "If you knew I was coming, then you would not be sitting here, waiting for me. You would have had your guards greet me before I was within a hundred paces of you. You would not have allowed me to simply walk in here and strike up a casual conversation."

"You are correct, however what other choice have you given me.' was the cool answer that came from the older man's lips. "You have broken down my defenses, bested my best men, turned my people against me. You have single handedly set out on a vendetta to wrench power from my hands and take it for yourself. And you are mere moments away from succeeding."

"Then why are you seated so calmly? Why are you not armed and ready to fight me? Would the king resign so easily? Has old age softened you?"

The jeering did nothing to change the man's disposition. He continued to sit, unflinching. His eyes fixed on the younger man standing in front of him.

"You were like a son to me," the old man started, a hint of a grin of his own starting to form in his aged eyes, "And in this moment, I am could not be more proud. Defiant and underhanded, I could not have executed this coup any better. Your net of trickery, back stabbing, and double crossing could not have been more intricately played. I congratulate and marvel at your masterful work."

"Do not believe that your honeyed words will save you," the younger man sneered, believing this old lion to be making fun of him. Or stalling in order wriggle his way out of his demise, "I came for one purpose and I will see it through to the end."

"I imagined nothing less."

The old man finally stood from his chair and stepped away from the table. He stood in the full light of the setting sun, and put his hands at his sides.

"Come and do what it is that must be done. Remove this cursed mantle from my shoulders and take it upon yourself. Kill me and rejoice in the victory of ill gotten gains, as I did before you and did the king before me. Rejoice for as long as you are able. Because after that revery is gone, you will see everyone as your enemy from now until the moment you are standing in the same place as I."

The end was quick. There was no drawn out eloquence to the execution. It was moderately clean. There would only be one spot that would be stained with the old man's blood. He was appreciative of that. However, there was one more thing he wanted this traitor, his son, this new king to know before his tongue was stilled forever.

"I had hoped with all my heart that your face would be the last one that my eyes saw. I have trained you well. Be a better Blood King than I."

Less writing than I wanted

Wow, my blogs have definitely taken a nose dive over the past two months. I will trying my best to rectify that. The daily writes are really what kept me posting, but I haven't really been in the writer mood as of late. I don't really know why. But I suppose it is true what they say, if you wait for the mood then you will never get anything done.

I really don't have much in the way of ideas right now. It's like the idea doesn't really go anywhere or what my focus is on the idea is probably the most boring thing ever. It's annoying. I was working on two scripts at the same time and both are being stymied by two different things. The first one doesn't really have a story, just a cast of characters and a premise. However, it doesn't go anywhere. There really isn't much to say. I know there is a story there somewhere, I just haven't figured out what it is.

The second one, it just feels like I'm telling a boring story and I got lost in the long winding yarn of inconsequential. I am not sure how it happened or how I am to get back. Sure I love all the background stuff that I'm putting down on the paper, but it doesn't make for the greatest story. There isn't a point.

So now I'm frustrated with the whole thing. Two ideas with lots of potential and one writer who has no idea what to do with them.