Daily Write - Mistaken Heart

Cixi sat, straddling the railing that enclosed the balcony overlooking the courtyard of her uncle’s estate. Here, the bustle around her seemed to be much quieter. The hurried day magically melted into lazy afternoon. She could never quite get used to it. Something so lush and serene existing in the midst of the capitol city. She was learning more and more that the Ebonlynx name could manage to do nearly anything, magic or otherwise.

So intent on the thoughts that held her mind captive, Cixi had not heard the doors to the balcony opening. Nor had she heard the foot falls of booted feet cross the threshold.

“Well one of us is deep in thought. Are you going to tell me what is bothering you, or are you going to make me guess?”

Cixi turned to see her uncle, framed in the doorway. Long strides carried Lord Jaias from the door to the balcony railing next to his niece. He had exchanged his usual stately attire for a more simplistic and humble outfit. And yet there was still something about his demeanor that would not let his social status be hidden under the meagerness of clothing choice. And his fire red almost seemed to burn, the highlights glowing golden in the afternoon sun. So was the man who sat at the head of House Ebonlynx

“Nothing is wrong, Uncle,” Cixi reassured, keeping her perch on the railing and leaning over to kiss him on both cheeks, “I was just daydreaming is all.”

“You’re just as bad a liar as your mother,” Lord Jaias replied, kissing his niece back, “Your charming fake smiles don’t work on me, young one. It wasn’t one of the family, was it? I have spoken to them about how they are to treat you.”

“No, it wasn’t that at all.”

“Is it the headaches again?”

Cixi shook her head, “No. I haven’t had to deal with any of that for a while now. You don’t have anything to worry about, Uncle. Just lost in my head is all. I’m sitting out here, thinking.”

Cixi subconsciously bit her lower lip for a split second, before remembering how her uncle constantly scolded her about doing so. But he had seen it before she was able to cover it up. He raised his eyebrow at her, his green eyes staring deep into her’s. Cixi hated that look. She always felt so childish and small when he looked at her like that. It cut everything away and reached into her bare soul.

“You are going to think me a very silly little girl,” Cixi started explaining, eyes falling away from her uncle’s glance. Her legs started to swing as she spoke, “I don’t even know why I am giving any thought to it at all. It’s utterly and completely ridiculous.”

“So,” Lord Jaias said, turning and leaning backwards against the railing, “What is his name?”

Cixi looked up, giving her uncle a startled look. A wry grin grew on his face, “You have a tell, my young one. And it is more than just that lip biting thing you do.”

Cixi looked away, not sure if she was flustered more by the fact that her uncle could read her thoughts or by the fact that she was having the thoughts at all. She took a deep breath, taking a moment to try and organize everything in head.

“It’s complicated,” she started, “I am not even sure how it all started. I think at first, I just wanted him to notice me. Just acknowledge that I existed. I thought that was all that I wanted. I would be happy with just that. And I was, for a time. But now, everything is so different.”

“Different?”

Cixi paused, her eyes moving back and forth at the scenery in front of her, as if  the explanation were somewhere amidst the flowers and shrubbery.

“I catch myself holding my breath whenever he walks past me,” she replied finally, “I’m always smiling like a fool whenever he calls my name. I try to force myself not to, but I can’t. Being near him makes me feel sick inside. But it’s a feeling I don’t want to let go of. I keep telling myself that I need to stop. I need to pull myself together. But I can’t. I simply can’t.”

“You even flush when you talk about him,” Lord Jaias teased.

He watched Cixi put her hands to her face, as if she could somehow wipe away the pink hue that was starting to creep along her countenance. 

“So why is that you want these feelings to go away?” Lord Jaias asked,” Do you think that he won’t feel the same about you?”

“He can’t feel the same way about me,” Cixi sighed, letting her hands fall and shoulders slump slightly, “It would be disastrous. There are simply too many things to complicate even the thought of pursuing anything beyond the relationship we already have.”

“You both are friends?”

“I am his subordinate.”

“Oh, Cixithara.”

Lord Jaias’ voice said it all. He did not need to say anymore. The downward lilt his voice took. How Cixi’s name was more of a breath than an actual word escaping his lips. She wasn’t sure if her uncle was disappointed or simply pitied her for making such a mistake.

“Ashbough,” Cixi said, pushing down the emotions that were rising in her chest, “Commander Ashbough of all people. It could have been anyone, Uncle. Anyone at all. Why him? Why does it have to be him?”

Cixi turned and looked at the gardens below her once again. Everything was calm, peaceful and serene.

“I’m a stupid girl,” she whispered, “A stupid stupid girl and I can’t make it stop.”

What I'm reading: The Wallstreet Journal

I have never been much for reading newspapers. I guess that was something I did not pick up from my parents. Morning coffee and reading up on the local news just wasn't in my foreseeable future. Not even reading the funny pages. However, there is one newspaper that made its way into my life and I find myself reading it quite a bit: The Wallstreet Journal.

I remember my first copy of that paper. I had signed up for a prep course and it included a subscription to the WSJ. It was supposed to help with reading comprehension, I suppose. I slowly began to fall in love with the type of articles that they ran and the reporters use of vocabulary. I read the papers, despite their date or the fact that they were supposed to be a learning tool.

Articles like this is why I read this paper

This habit stuck with me, despite the course being over and my subscription being finished. I would find my way to the library newspaper stacks and pick up a copy to read, just to relax. I began to find that my leisurely reading was putting me ahead of my friends when it came to things happening in realms relevant to us. Topics would come up about random things as we sat around eating dinner or doing homework and I would have known about them months earlier. And for some reason, I liked being in the know about things.

The title on this is clever

Time had passed since then and I had not read a WSJ in quite some time. And then I spent last summer in New York. I passed a newspaper stand as I was headed to my train and thought..."I would really like one of those". Next thing I know, buying a WSJ and heading home with it was my treat for the week. I get so excited when I saw a paper. And the fact that is only $2 is pretty nice.

I don't know why I love this paper so much. But I do. And I can't get enough of reading it. It is my weekly treat to myself. My indulgence in the interesting things that are happening in the world, printed in a vernacular that wish to adopt for myself. I hope there are other people out there who feel the same way about this paper as I do. And if you have never read an issue, I would suggest picking one up.

Getting in those Veggies!

I can't tell you when I started cooking. The first time was probably my parents let me "help" with making breakfast on Saturday morning. I do have a lot of memories of asking my mom to stir batter, because I wanted to lick the bowl when it was all done. Since then, I have always made do when it came to food. Good enough to consume, but nothing to write home about.

Recently, I have wanted to go beyond that. I have wanted to make food that looks pretty and tastes fantastic. I blame that on all the cooking shows that I have watched over the years. Recently, I tried making Mei Fun. It didn't come out right because of several things that I did wrong. But, I'm going to post it up anyway. 

First off, anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like to chop anything. I am that person who goes to the frozen food section and buys all the vegetables already cut and ready to go. But, I am starting to make exceptions to that rule. Fresh ingredients will always trump frozen ones.

Very happy I investing in a cutting board

So as you can see, I was doing a lot of chopping when I did this. The only thing I did not get fresh was the bean sprouts that I used, since I already had some in the cabinet. I do have to give credit where credit is due. I got all of these vegetables from ALDI (with exception of the green onions and carrots which were already in my fridge). I would say that I spent around $3.00 for what you see on the table, carrots and green onions included. Amazing, right?!

This was named DesyFun, since Mei Fun it is not :P

The final product did not come out exactly as I had envisioned, but it still tasted good. And it was something different than what I normally cook. I am pretty sure that I used the wrong type of noodle and I put way too much in the wok at one time. But it is a vast improvement on the first time that I tried to make mei fun. Perhaps the 3rd time will be the charm.

Trying to get that touchable skin

A theme that I seem to be continuing is that I love making my own DIY hair and skin products. I can't tell you what is so fun about, but I find myself doing it over and over again. I also love how amazingly cheap it is compared to buying thing from the store. First thing I have tried out is an easy bath soak.

I am not sure how much milk bath sells for, but I am going to guess that it is more than making it at home. All you need it powdered milk and Epsom salt. Pour these two in your bath while it is running and bathe as normal. (Of course I recommend just soaking for a while, because why not.) For those of you not familiar with Epsom Salt, you can find it in the pharmacy section.

Baby oil is a real gem for me, because it is fairly simple step to add into the hygiene routine. The moment I am done with a shower or bath, I put this on. Once my skin has absorbed it, it feels pretty fantastic. And after doing it for several days in a row, I am pretty amazed at the results. I used to use baby oil all the time, because I went to college in a dry climate and it wreaked havoc on my skin. I am not sure why I stopped.

I was introduced to baby oil gel later on. It is used pretty much like lotion. It is not my most favorite product in the world, but it's not bad. Personally, I stick with the oil and only use the gel when I run out of that.

Just wanted to share these two easy things. Probably will be posting more DIY things in the near future.

Christmas Gifts!

Christmas was not all that long ago and I must say that I got some really nifty gifts this year. While I was very appreciative of everything that I was given, there were a few that stuck out as extra special.

My sister got me these face masks in really fun scents. I like them because they are very unique and they work really well. The first one I am going to try is the one on the left: Earl Grey Tea and Macaron. It just sounds fun. I do believe these mask are all from the My Beauty Diary line

Another gift from my sister. I think the packaging is pretty cool and it smells really good. So if you couldn't tell, one side has lotion for normal skin and the other side has lotion for your dry areas, like knees, elbows and heels.

These were from my mother. I told her that I wanted to learn how to cook some authentic Japanese food. So she got me a boat load of cookbooks. The book on the very bottom is entirely Vegan. If you ever want to understand any and everything there is to know about cooking Japanese food, I would suggest the book on the left: Japanese Cooking A Simple Art. It goes pretty in depth about every aspect of the Japanese kitchen and meal.

Last but not least, this book. I think it was a combination of watching shows like "The Mentalist", "Lie to Me", "Elementary", and "Sherlock" that made me want to sharpen my powers of perception. And what better place to start than by learning how to read body language. A friend of mine suggested this book, so I put in on my Christmas list.

So, this year I am going to be well read, well fed and sharpening my powers of deduction.

Daily Write - Existence in Silence

In the silence, vastness spreads out before me.
When all is quiet and still, I can sense it.
Beyond the reach of the edges of my fingertips,
That is where it sits.
Beckoning to me in a tongue only understood
Deep within the recesses of the soul

This great expanse
That unfurls in the silence, feels empty.
And yet it is more. 
Much much more.
It is great and far and limitless.
It is colossal and open and free.

And it calls to me.
Calls to the essence of my being.
In the silence.

Daily Write - Rage

It burns. This once unnoticed ember that grew into an all consuming flame while my eyes were closed. This subconscious spark that was awakened in the recesses of my brain that I tried my best to ignore. It burns and it rages, beating against every defense I have put up around it. Despite everything I have done, it only grows larger, hotter, brighter. Pushing and pushing with fingers I cannot run from.

I don't want to fight it any more, I want to give in. I want to let go and let it have me. Even though it threatens to turn my very essence into ash and my soul to soot, I want to be consumed by it. No more suppressing, no more pushing it down, no more white knuckled grip on logical sanity and calm. I want to burn. I want to break, erupt, explode, destroy. I want everything to crumble and splinter.

And when nothing is left of me but ash and embers, I want to be left alone.