Where's that light everyone talks about?

So I had a pretty sobering conversation a few days ago. Let me set up the framework for this conversation and then I will get into the meat of the issue.


So for the past four months, I have been part of what I can only explain as a Step 1 boot camp. I know what you are saying. Didn't I blog about taking that test back in October? Yes, I did. Didn't I sound so relieved in that blog about that part of my life finally being over? Yes, you are right again. So what gives? What gives is that I failed it in fantastic fashion and have preparing for a retake for going on 4 months now.


It has not been easy by any definition of the word. In fact, it has pushed me beyond anything that I have ever encountered before in my life. I have cried, I have screamed, I have thrown things. I have prayed, I have cried more, I have become obstinately stubborn in the fact this will not be the end for me. But I will admit, there are days when I feel exhausted. Physically and mentally taxed to the point where I really don't feel like moving forward any more. I am done. I gave it my best shot.


I had a meeting with the Dean of my school. Nothing major, just had to pick up something from her office and head back to the study cave. But she started up a conversation. How were things going and things of that nature. I mistook the question for idle chit chat and commented on how I would happy when all of this was over. She looked me straight in the eye and told in that this would never be over. That I might as well get used  to it.


"You chose this life. You chose to be a physician. This does not end here. In fact, it only gets worse. In future, you will look back on these days and wish for them."


I was dumbstruck. What horrible terrors were in my future that would make me wish for these days again? What I do now from day to day, I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I have no energy for anything outside of the four walls that I am locked away in. I have sacrificed more in these four months than I ever have before. How can things get worse? And knowing that they are, why would I continue on?


I probably had that terrified scared animal look on my face as the reality of those words started to sink in. And I'm sure that the Dean could see that I was prepared to make a panicked dash for the door and try to break the laws of physics by vanishing into thin air.


"But you have messed up now. Your mistake was letting me see that you are capable of doing the work. That you have the ability to finish. Now I am not letting you go. I have been keeping my eye on you, watching you from this chair and I will continue to do so."


I was not sure to feel terrified or encouraged. Part of me felt a little bit of both. Things were only going to get harder for me from this point on. The dean wanted me to fully prepared for it. however, she believed that I was capable of handling it and therefore was unwilling to let me quit. I didn't have much to say. I had no type of response to that. I don't honestly think she was looking for one. I left her office feeling like someone had filled my shoes with cement. I was tired, I was waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, I was waiting for things to get easier, and now I found out that they weren't. How was I supposed to handle this?


I haven't found the answer to this yet. I figure I will learn how to handle it when I am forced to handle it. Right now, I just sit in the study cave with the rest of my friends who are plodding down the same road as me. I will tackle one struggle at a time and just keep walking down this tunnel. It has to end somewhere.