Time to do me.

You would think by now that I would be at the point in my life where I felt free enough to do whatever I felt like doing. Well, unfortunately that is not the case. Every morning I wake up, I am always telling myself the things I can't do because of what other people might think when they see me. For instance, I have a stack of fedoras sitting in my bedroom. However, I never wear them to school, because no one else does. What would my other classmates think if I suddenly came into class with one of those hats on.

I have new jewelry that I have never worn out. A case full of make up that I never wear, and a ton of other things that I don't bother putting on. Why? Because I am afraid of the reaction that I am going to get once I put it on and walk out in public with it. Normally, I'm pretty low maintenance. Ponytail, jeans and a t-shirt kind of girl. But there are times when I want to dress it up a bit. But I don't. I think that it will be too much.

I am not sure when other's thoughts of me became such an issue. But it is something that I am ready to shrug off. I am ready to do what I want now and who cares what others say or think, right? I'm already the weird girl as it is. Might as well go full force with it. So, I feel like tomorrow should be a fedora day.

Things that have happened.

Well, I have done a terrible job with trying to post this month. I blame my rotation from having evil hours. So far, I have decided that Obstetrics and Gynecology is not my calling in life. I can strike that from the list with ease. However, it has peeked my interest in Women's Health. I have always had a glimmer of an interest in that section of medicine. I really can't tell you why. Maybe because it hits close to home.

So here is some awesome news that has nothing to do with medicine. As I do every month, I wrote a Click Here For Comics article featuring the webcomic, EverBlue. Normally, I don't do this, but this time after I posted the article, I sent the link and short email to Michael Sexton (Blue-Ten) who is the creator. Well wouldn't you know it, he put the link on his site. Over night, the views more than tripled. I have never had as many views in one week on my article, ever. I have put out 16 articles and have only contacted a smattering of the creators. Sexton was the only one who actually linked my work. He did not have to do it. In fact, I wasn't expecting any type of response at all. I am still over the moon about it happening. Makes me a bit validated with what I do.

A month and a half to NaNoWriMo and I feel totally unprepared. I've got nothing this year. Going into it totally blind this year. Don't even know if I can make it to the midnight party, if there is one. I think I have an idea of what I want to write about, but I don't have a plot or anything. Just an idea for a character. I suppose I will see just how far that will carry me. And yes, if I can find the time, there will be blogs about how well (or not so well) things are going.

GMX is a month away. It is right at the end of my rotation too. I should probably go ahead and buy my ticket now. I wish I had someone to go with though. I mean, it was cool and all, but I feel like it would be more fun if I had someone to hang out with. But, I don't believe that I have any RL friends who are into that kind of thing. I won't be going in any type of costume this year, which I am fine with. However, I do want to be more interactive with what's going on. I want to make a few vids and put together a photo album. So, no more hanging around in corners and things of that nature this year.

One more thing before I wrap up, I just joined up with a DA art group called World of Warchicks. Don't know what possessed me. I had been wanting to draw several WoW centric things, but always put it off. I figured joining this group would give me incentive to draw and finally do these projects that are in my head. They take all levels of artistic ability, so that made me feel better. While I'm improving quite a bit, I still have a ways to go before I deem myself any good.  And the only way to get better is to draw more.

So I do believe that ends this blog. Hopefully I will write at least one more before the month is out. Also, thanks to Yumefilled for being the first person to post on my blog! I suppose I am not just talking to myself!

Updating ramble

So, starting my third week of rotations and the only thing I can really say about it is that I hate the hours. And going to bed as early as I do in order to get up in the morning makes me feel like an old woman. But I would much rather be doing this than being stuck studying for the Step like I was a few months ago. So complaining must be kept down to a minimum.

NaNoWriMo is in two months. I think I might have an idea of what I want to do. Not sure if it is going to pan out or not, but we will see. It is an idea that I had for a story quite a long time ago. Probably around '06 or so. I'm not sure if I can make it into a 50k story or not. But we'll see. I haven't been struck with any new ideas anyway. So I might as well use this one.

It's a fantasy story. For some reason, I have been wanting to stay away from fantasy stuff. I had been writing a lot of it for a long time, so I wanted to expand my scope by writing other things. But now that I can't think of anything to novel this year, I have gone right back to my fantasy beginnings. Not sure if that is good thing or bad thing. However, I should probably start plotting some time soon. Not sure when I'm going to have to time for that. This rotation, and it's crazy hours, doesn't end until the middle of next month. Doesn't exactly leave me a whole lot of time to work my storyline out.

The story will involve lots of magic, because for some reason I am just drawn to that kind of thing. And for some reason, I am drawn to writing male characters. I barely write female characters any more. I'm not sure why. Maybe I find it more interesting because I'm not a guy.

Speaking of writing, I tried to hammer out a story recently. I got it about halfway written. I got the idea for this story from reading something totally unrelated the subject matter. There was just a short ramble along the lines of "What if instead, this had happened?". And I thought to myself, "Huh, that would be cool. I think I will write that." I might make it a Daily Write, who knows. I just want to get it finished some time in the near future.

A Somber note

Haven't written anything in a while. I really have no idea what I'm going to write about now. Honestly, not a whole lot has been going on. Well, I will take that back. A few things have been going, but I don't think they would make for good blog material. Just mindless blather about how my past week has been. The short of it, I just started back on rotations and it seems like this one (OB/GYN) has the most brutal hours ever. Probably worse than Surgery. However, Surgery get a leg up on being the worst, time wise, because it is 12 weeks long. I'm not looking forward to that whatsoever.

I suppose I do have something that is a bit somber to talk about. I recently ran into a woman that I did not recognize when I first saw her. I happened to walk up behind this person, her hair was shorn short, she had a very slouched posture with her head leaned to one side. Her walk was pretty slow, her upper body was hunched forward, and her left arm just dangled at her side like spaghetti noodle. On any other day, I would have simply dismissed this person as someone I didn't know and keep walking. But today, I paid attention. Then the longer I looked, the more I began to realize that this woman was no stranger to me. She was actually someone that I knew and had just spoke with not but a few months before.

I met this woman right when I started medical school. And over the past few years, I would say that she was definitely the foundation on which my medical career has been built. The last time I saw her, she was the one who told me that I could do the work and that she expected great things from me. I never want to let her down. And now to see her like this. It was like being smacked in the face with a brick. How could this have happened to her? She looked nothing like I remember. Part of me wanted to run up and talk to her. Smile at her. Act as if her current state meant nothing. Instead, I stood there in indecision, watching her walk away from me. Using the excuse of "Well, she is talking to another student. I wouldn't want to interrupt"  I tried to make myself not feel bad that I didn't call out to her. 

She has cancer. Cancer that was in remission. Something that we, as a school, believed was gone for good. And now this. And to her of all people. It makes me more than sad.

Daily Write - Built for Reverence

It was adoration for the Sun which made this place exist. It was reverence for the Moon which pulled this place into being. It was the acknowledgment of the push and pull that happens in front of our eyes constantly. And the realization we can do nothing but be a part of the wax and wane that caused this place. This temple was a construct to remind us. A glorification of things unknown. A glorification of the mystery that is this world. This is the Temple of Gamond.

The temple houses three sanctums. One side devoted to the Sun, which sits in the east. The other to the Moon, which sits in the west. And in the center is the sanctum dedicated to life created in the midst of these two heavenly bodies. Inside the Sactum of the Moon sits the Seat of Lesser Light. A silvery throne, crafted so that its beauty is from subtlety. The calm shimmer from its demure arrangement and design cascades along the walls.Ripples effortlessly flowing from one concentric point in constant motion. Here people come and pray, kneeling before the stars, bathed in silver cascades. They clasps their hands together, white knuckled, focused on the Seat that covers them in lesser light.

Inside the Sanctum of the Sun is the Seat of Dawn. A towering throne, dazzling, glowing with light all its own. The burning star personified in materials from the earth and crafted into an object of sovereignty.There is no prayer here. No one kneeling and making earnest petition. Only shouts. Loud raising of voices often paired with drums and dancing. Brilliant and bright as the Sun is the manner of those who enter in this sactum and become before the Seat of Dawn. They dance and shout in the gleaming rays of the sactum and the greater light.

But for all the majesty that are these two sanctums dedicated to the celestial bodies above, I was never drawn to either as much as I was drawn to the Sanctum of The World. Here there is no seat, no throne to be occupied by an outside thing we cannot reach. There is no light from thrones. No, here grows the Tree of Beginnings, a monolithic spread of branches and leaves that stretch towards the heavens. A part of this world that has been here since before the Ages that is now surrounded by lesser trees and flowering plants; gardens that sprout things of beauty. Things that remind us of life and how it hangs in the balance of things unknown. There is no bowing of knees here. There is no chanting and beating of ceremonial drums. There is just us, beneath trees and among the grass. Us and only us. Men and women. And the world.

This is the Temple of Gamond. This is the acknowledgment our people have for the things we understand and the reverence we have for the things we do not. We pray, we rejoice, we live. And we do this under the light of the Sun and Moon.

Ideas on the Shelf

A few days ago, I went through all my old books and notebooks and purged myself all of the crap that I had accumulated over the past 6 years or so. Most of the stuff that I came across were old notes and handouts that I could get rid of. I was amazed at just how much I had amassed in such a short time. Then I stumbled across an old notebook that I hadn't looked at in years. During my years in undergrad, I started playing roleplaying. It was mostly D&D campaigns that I participated in, but I did play other games as well. And in this old three ring binder, I found the character sheets of the last few characters that I played before I retired my dice. Not only did I have the character sheets, but I also had the back stories and any extra things I had written up for them. I had forgotten some of the ideas that I had come with. And it was entertaining to go back over them.

The most elaborate character I made writing wise was Tesara Avion, a character for a Star Wars campaign. After reading her back story, I wanted to go back and flesh out this world that I had created for this character. She was from a jungle planet and lived in a village that was built in a canopy. I could see that I had a lot of ideas flying around at one time, some interesting and others not so much. But now I want to bring that world back to life somehow. Maybe not the whole Star Wars part of it, but the civilization that I was building does have a bit of merit to it. It made me wonder what this would have led to world building wise had I completed it.

So I put the binder back on the bookshelf, with a number of other story ideas that I had written down and forgotten about. Maybe one day I will be able to sit down with this idea that I had many years ago and finally make it into something tangible.

Odd man out

I think it is time for a whiny blog, what do you think? Yeah, we are pretty overdue for one. I had a conversation with a friend the other day and I found myself falling into this mood. Here I am, an adult, and one of the main things that plague me constantly is the fact that I feel out of sync with just about everyone around me. As if everyone got the memo and mine got lost in the mail. This is what you are supposed to be into. Now go and be assimilated.

So what is it that I feel is wrong with me? I can't really put it into words. I think the issue lies in two areas: What I like and how people react to what I like. I feel I don't operate like a med student should. I feel like my passions should lie in something that is related to medicine. And while I do find some articles about the health field to be interesting, that's not what has my attention. Instead, my brain is always taken over by gaming, writing, art, and music. Sure, medicine is what I want to do with my life. There are no doubts about that. But there is not the same feeling about it as there is about these other things. Sometimes, I wonder what would my life be like if I had done something different. If I had decided that writing was my career instead of something science related. If I had taken art classes instead of taking two languages in high school. Would I be in a place where I feel like I belong? Would my interests line up with takes priority in my mind.

It's not that I'm ostracized. In fact, it is quite the opposite. People like me, oddities and all. But the moment I get asked the question "What is your favorite..." I know that the separating line is about to be drawn. I hate the looks I get after I open my mouth. As if I have all of the sudden become something very confusing. For example, on my birthday, some friends took me out for drinks. We were having a good time when it came out that I was a participant in NaNoWriMo and had actually finished a novel in a month. I was asked what it was about. I should have just said pirates and have been done with it. But no, I threw in other terms which I believed made the book unique and fun. I was looked at as if horns were starting to grow out of my skull. 'What was steampunk? I thought the setting would be in a real place. That's not the answer I expected."

I get tired of being the one that no one seems to understand. The one standing on the fringe of everyone else. Like them, but not like them at the same time. I know, it is the same lament of an angst-riddled teenager who believes that no one in world understands them. There are others who like what I like and don't find my interests the least bit strange. It is just that none of them are my classmates.