Daily Write - Dancing with Snowflakes

It was like dancing in snowflakes. Well, more the fun and elation that comes from the thought of what dancing in snowflakes would be like. So yes, the romanticized thought of dancing in light, airy, magical snowflakes that beckon us to watch them from windows and draw them in story books. That would be the best explanation that I can come up with. 

Time was slow and the world lulled into the surreal; the unbelievable. The point where reality reaches the veil of the imaginary and somehow that veil is parted. But only just enough. Just enough for us to catch the slightest of glimpses. The background noise of one too many days and a few too many nights melded into the nonexistent. There was nothing left but myself lost in this blissful swirl of gamboling, twinkling light descending down on the tufts of these downy crystals.

I found myself smiling and not being able to stop; face alight, hoping to catch one on my nose. For that is how it goes in the many books that I have read and movies I have seen. Like melting sugar in your mouth or angel kisses on your eyelids. How could that not make someone want to smile? I stretched my arms out and spun with them, laughter on my tongue, joy in my soul. It felt like dancing, this well of happiness that washed over me completely. Wish that this moment would last for always. That the snowflakes would never end.

Oiling up the noveling machine

It is one month until NaNoWriMo starts. I am really excited this year. More excited that I have ever been. And that is probably because I wasn't able to participate last year. Also, I know several new people who are going to be jumping in this year, and my excitement for them adds to the excitement that I was already feeling for myself.  There is something about seeing fresh faces ready to go and hammer out those 50k words.

This year, I have decided that I want to something a little more on the romantic side. I have been wanting to write a romantic story for a while, so why not use this as my jumping off point? I have been brainstorming some ideas of what this story is going to be about and after tossing around a few ideas, I finally settled on something. I am most likely going to be going back to my comfort zone of a medieval/fantasy setting. I haven't figured out just how much fantasy the story is going to have. Right now, the story is just this grey formless idea that is hanging around in my brain. I have been trying to figure things out and jot down ideas to make it into something more tangible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will have something more solid by the time November 1st comes around. If not, I'm going to be making it up as I go along.

One of the things I want is for the story to be more of a drama rather than some sap story where everyone is staring starry eyed at one another. I find dramas to be engaging and easy to immerse yourself in. Sappy stories I find..well, I can't say that I like them very much. I don't really relate all that well. I also am not interested in something that reads like a soap opera. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with soap operas, but that is not what I want this story to be.

Part of me is a bit apprehensive about doing this. While it is not that far out of my comfort zone, it is something different. And different always makes me a bit anxious. But it is a good anxious. I have been writing a bit on something else starting back in August, so my writing gears won't be entirely rusty. I was hoping to be done with that piece before November. It could still get done, but I don't see that as being likely. And once November comes, there will be no writing much of anything else.

Also, I am hoping to blog (and maybe vlog if I'm feeling ambitious) about this whole process again. Maybe I will keep up better than I did the last time.

So, back to planning. November seems like it is going to come way too fast.

Creating my own shadow

Why is it that I am never satisfied with my own personal  accomplishments in life? I am never happy enough to turn around and pat my own self on the back and say good job. I am forever looking at someone else and saying "They are so much better at (fill in the blank) than I am. Too bad I can't be like them. Maybe my life would not be like it is now."

This happens every now and again and frankly I am started to get irked that my brain continues to do crap like this. There are so many who would trade lives with me in heart beat. They would not understand what it is that I could possibly not be pleased with. I am one of the few who have actually accomplished something that I have dreamed about doing my entire life. And I treat that accomplishment with such flippant dismissal as if it didn't take everything I had to see it come to fruition. Why? I just can't understand why I can't be happy for myself.

I'm not whining or feeling sorry for myself. I just want to understand why my brain is constantly working over time to inform me of every fallacy I have, and making up some that I don't, and puts them on replay all the time. It wasn't always like this for me. So why this constant berating, even after I have done so much and endured so much? When am I going to be proud of where I am and happy that I progressed to that point?

I never feel jealous about the others I'm always comparing myself to. I just always feel less. Like everyone is pulling out a measuring stick and I never seem to make it to the point everyone else is reaching. It is probably the indirect reason I stay to myself. Everyone around me seems to be progressing by leaps and bounds and I feel so inadequate. But why? I have proven that I'm not. Others can see it. I know people think highly of me; my peers, my professors, they all believe that I am this stellar person. So why do I think differently? In direct opposition. As if they are all lying to me.

I honestly have no idea why this keeps happening. And I have lived with it for so long, I almost accepted that it was just the way I was hard wired. I almost accepted the constant internal second guessing of what everyone else accepts as truth. But honestly, I am tired of it. I despise the feeling. I don't want to feel judged when the only one who is doing the judging is me. I am ready to let go of this thing, whatever it is, and live my life out differently. I just want to be proud of myself.

My Hair #3

Here we are at week 13 and now I am starting to run into problems. Well, not problems per say. Let's just refer to them as obstacles. I started a work out regimen recently and that means sweating. This creates one of my new obstacles. Sweat and my new growth just don't mix. Usually, after I wash my hair, the comb extension on my blow dryer does a pretty good job of keeping my roots and edges straight. But the sweat voids out that entire process. I am not sure what I can do in order to counteract that right now. I am not trying to use more heat, but what else is there?

Also, I haven't really been styling my hair so much as pulling it back and sticking some low key hair piece in it. I really don't have time to do anything involved with my hair in the morning, even I did have a clue what to do with it. I am thinking of going with a curly fro for right now. Yeah, it will be a pain to put in, but it will be a low maintenance hairstyle that I can keep up with for the rest of the week.

And talking about time, I have very little of it to myself nowadays. I have gotten slack with everything except wash days. And even my wash days have had a few steps cut out of them. I'm not using my hair lotion, my hair oil, nothing. I just put my satin cap on my head and go to sleep at night. I suppose this is the time where I have to figure out how to shove everything into my 24 hours. My hair just feels so much healthier now and I don't want to suddenly stop this process that I have started. Plus there are going to be times where my life is busy and I need to figure out to keep everything balanced. Might as well learn it now.

I am trying out a new shampoo and conditioner from Organix. I really liked their Moroccan and Argan Oil, so this time I am trying something with a little more protein in it. I noticed that there wasn't really anything in my hair regimen that had protein in it, just moisturizing. So I am going to try this out for a couple of washes and see how things go.

Well, one more month down and on to another one. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Daily Write - Can't Find Myself

I honestly don't remember when I wrote this, but I can take a guess. Sometimes life does nothing but throw monkey wrenches...and bricks...at your face. I was probably getting pummeled with them daily when I wrote this. I guess the main takeaway point is...that time in my life passed and I'm still here. However, I did want to keep this here as a reminder that circumstances come and go. I, however, am here for the long haul.


At times, I wonder if I am losing myself,
Slowly falling to the circumstances and situations that are my life.
When did blue skies become grey? When did clear nights become so full of clouds?

How did I get here? To a place I don't recognize.
To a person I don't recognize.
When did everything fall apart around me?

I don't know what to do, but to keep falling.
I don't know how to pick myself up.
I don't know how to move on.

Is this what it feels like to have your soul slip through your fingers?
Is this what it looks like to have your life drain away?
Bit by bit. Piece by piece.
Colors fade, life wilts and every day another part of me is lost.

How many days do I have left?
How much more of me can disappear before I am lost entirely?
I want to leave this place I have found myself in
Someone show me how to turn around. How to go back.
To blue skies and clear nights, where I felt entirely whole.

Daily Write - Before the Ruin

This ruin wasn't something created recently. It happened many centuries ago. And since then has become lost in the passing of time, buried beneath the tide of years, slowly dismissed and forgotten. It used to be so beautiful here, which is hard to fathom when one lays eyes on it now. But it was a breath taking visage in a previous life. A splendor that really couldn't be captured in words, though many tried. There were endless attempts of those putting ink to paper, who tried to recreate in words what this place was. In rhyme, in song, in painstakingly organized prose; but there was no complexity of language that ever seemed to encompass everything. And now, this is all that is left of what was once indescribable. Simply broken and demolished. As if demons were belched from the cursed depths and devoured everything in sight, leaving their unnatural scar behind. 

Towers used to reach to the sky, glinting in unhindered sunlight. Everything sparkled, right down to the bricks underfoot. The very air was intoxicating. The city felt as if it were made with an essence of something that was unknown to us, yet it lived and breathed and poured out allure and exquisiteness that soaked into the very soil. The city was an entity, living, breathing, beating with a hypnotic pulse that no one could put into words, but everyone understood somehow. This place could not have been more entrancing had their buildings been made of crystal and diamonds, held together with gold and silver.

So how does something as legendary as a place that touched the heavens become dust and decay beneath our heels? Become forgotten and unspoken of, as if it never existed? The Purge happened. And not even this resplendent place could hold back that unleashed torrent. They washed through, like an ocean swallowing up the land. They ripped everything apart, from the heavens to the earth. And what they couldn't destroy with brute force, they burned to ash. Of course, that wasn't enough. Not for them. A beauty that cannot be defined had to be defiled beyond recognition, ground to powder beneath our feet, carried away on the winds of time and the tides of years. 

There was once beauty and splendor here that poured from the sky itself. But not any more. Demons came and tore it away.

My hair #2

So, it has been 8 weeks (closer to 9 actually) since I put in my last relaxer. Now I suppose the real test of this whole hair journey begins. New growth is starting to become visible and normally around this time I would start thinking about doing a touch up. I can't say that I'm extremely tempted to do so at this point. Let's see how I feeling in a few more weeks.

I am quite proud of myself for keeping up with this hair regiment I started for myself. I wash my hair every week and go through the whole process of hot oil treatments, tea rinses, deep conditioning and keeping the use of heat down to a minimum. With the help of my younger sister, I learned how to do roller sets better. So I will probably be going with the curly look as more of my natural hair grows out.

For some reason, I have never been a fan of hairspray, gel, or stuff like that. But it is humid summer in the south right now, and there was no way I am going to be able to keep a curl that won't fall within 2 seconds of me taking my rollers out if I don't use something. So I buckled and got the Olive Oil setting mousse. I have to say, it wasn't too bad. It did leave my hair feeling a bit dry and crunchy, but I used the Olive Oil moisturizing hair lotion afterwards. My hair returned to being really soft and my curls stayed in place. I really like the Olive Oil line of hair care products. It doesn't leave my hair feeling like it is covered in something slick and greasy.

There are still more things that I want to try and do with my hair, like learning new styles, better ways of taking care of it and what not. So far, I haven't gotten tired of doing this yet. Which is good, because I'm going to be doing it for a while.