So, I went indoor rock wall climbing...

So this past weekend I did something I never thought I would ever do. I went indoor rock wall climbing. I wish I could say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I honestly want to say that. However, I wouldn't exactly use those words. When the idea was first presented, I thought it would be a fun thing to do. It was definitely out of my comfort zone and probably something that I wouldn't be asked to do again for some time. So I thought to myself "why not? Sounds like fun. Let's be adventurous."

Well, the closer it got to the actual day, the less like fun it sounded. In fact, the night before, I had already settled in my mind that I wasn't going to show up. What could I possibly have been thinking? I'm not Spiderman. What the devil was I thinking about, going off and trying to scale walls. Bump that. I am staying home, on the ground, where it is safe. But after talking to my family, they convinced me to go and at least try it. And then call them afterwards.

So, my mounting concern was not helped at all by the fact that I got lost and was late getting to the place. And then when I finally got there, the guy who "taught" me how to put on my harness inspired next to no confidence whatsoever. I wasn't entirely sure that he wasn't high. And went over all the straps and buckles so quickly, I wondered if he understood that I didn't know what I was doing and this series of straps around my body was the difference in me driving myself home versus leaving pieces of myself on their gravel. 

So when it was finally time for me to climb this wall, I was a little more than a bit nervous. I wish I could tell you that I put my mind to it and scaled that wall with no problems. Or that I made it to the top with a little coaxing from my friends at the bottom. Nope, that is not what happened. I was about two steps away from the top and freaked out. I mean, panic addled mind freak out. The only thing I could think about was getting down before I fell and broke something. I don't know how to explain it. Everything was going fine and then suddenly...everything was not fine. And your brain is screaming that at you. The hand holds are suddenly smaller and shallower. You aren't exactly sure where to put your feet. And then a voice in the back of your mind goes "Nope, we're done here."

I hate not finishing what I start. And I had determined that before the day was over, I was going to scale to the top of something. Unfortunately, each attempt I had came to the same ending where I freaked out before reaching the top. I tried to tell myself that it was mind over matter thing and that I was fine. But my body responded with my heart pounding in my chest as if it was signalling in morse code "We are not fine!".

At the end of the day, I'm glad I went. This is definitely something that I am proud of myself for doing. Can't say that I'm rushing back to try it again though. Ya'll can keep that. Also, there is video of this whole ordeal. And against my better judgment, I will be putting it out there soon enough for all to see.

Sketching!

So once upon a time, I spent a lot of my time world building for roleplaying forum that I belonged to. That forum has long since gone the way of many before it, falling silent and nothing left of it but thoughts of the good times. But all that world building and thought process that I had hammered out did not go anywhere. It just got stacked up with all the rest of the writing ideas that I have and put in the corner, waiting until I come back and look at it again.

Well it seems that those ideas are starting to surface again, but this time more as visual art than being put down in written form. Most of the time when I sit down to sketch something, I can never really think of anything to sketch. Then I decided, "Why not draw something that I have written about.". This brought up something interesting. Most of the time, if someone asks me, I usually tell them that I don't "see" anything when I write or read. Some people have very vivid imaginations and a movie is playing in their brains as the story unfolds. Not me, not really. Probably the reason I never really get my tailfeathers ruffled when movies are adapted to look similar to scenes from books I read. So now how I was supposed to draw what I wanted?

Slowly, this became an exercise in how do you artistically represent words. How do you draw certain emotions? What colors best gave the feel of what I was after. Usually I just missed the mark or decided that I didn't feel like trying to figure it out. But I know that I want draw something that represents what I have written, this is probably something that I need to work on.

So back around to what I have drawn recently, I am working on faces. I feel like if I can build on the generic faces that I have been drawing and add some character to them, it should help out a lot. Faces are probably one of the easier ways to show emotion. I drew a couple tonight. I believe them to be, not bad. It's also kind of cool to see actual faces when normally I don't see any.

More Late Night Ramblings

As I have gotten older, I have found myself more involved in playing video games and being part of gaming communities. I think I am going backwards, because usually you are supposed to do stuff like this when you are younger. At least that is what I have always been led to believe.

Anyway, I have started to accumulate a good number of games (for better or for worse) both for PC and console. And now this has presented a new situation; playing with other people online. Now, I am not really a stranger to that, because I played WoW for years. I'm very used to raiding, PvPing, talking on Vent and all of that. But for some reason, I find myself not being as active when it comes to online play as I used to be. Especially when it comes to console games. That darn controller is the bane of my existence and I really rather not have my stumbling around scrutinized by other folks who are more advanced that I am.

And then there are some games where I just don't want to play with certain people. *cough* League of Legends *cough*. Honestly, I would rather just play with random people in the kiddie pool section of the game with beginner bots. I don't have to talk, get on Skype or anything like that. Just log in, punch at some pixels and go on my merry way.

Not sure when I got so introverted about online gaming. This definitely wouldn't have been the way I handled things several years. My God, I was all about meeting new people over the internet and becoming buddies. Now, I don't know. I don't mind making friends, but I'm not so much chasing after it. I just want to play the game, enjoy having fun. And I don't really need other people to do that. (Unless the multiplayer is better than the single player :P).

I suppose I look at all these other people and see how they amass a group of players around them and I wonder if I should be doing the same thing. Their friends lists are full. Whenever they turn a game on, there is someone to talk to. I am quite the opposite. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. Other times, I don't really care to know.

Daily Write - Firefly Summer

Fireflies flit and spin in the coming of the summer night.
The leaves rustle on their tall branches as the cool breeze glides by.
Tonight is a perfect night.

They come from their hiding holes.
They come from their nests.
They come from their sunning spots in the middle of the lake
Tonight is the perfect night.

Past the tall grass and into the thicket
They all come trotting, in a swaying line

Meaningless objects

I find it interesting how we can attach so much emotional and sentimental value to otherwise meaningless objects. Simple, easily replaced items that could be misplaced, tossed out, traded in for something bigger, better and shinier. Yet these things are so steeped in bonding ties, we could never imagine such a thing happening to it.

My younger sister was started some math class and needed a calculator. I had a simple 4 function one that I didn't use any more. So I let it her have it. There was nothing impressive about it. I had bought it from a drug store that was next door to the grocery. I really had no need for it, since I using a much more expensive TI calculator at the time. I thought nothing of giving it away to her. After a time, I had forgotten the thing even existed.

Several years passed. I was in college and my sister was in high school. I was home on break when my sister told us that someone had taken her calculator. It was very obvious that she was upset, to the point of tears, that her calculator was gone. I figured that she must have had one of those expensive ones now, like I had. I would have been upset too. But no, she was talking about that drugstore calculator that I had given her.

"I don't understand," I remember saying to my mother later that evening, "That cheap thing? We can get her a new one if that is all she wants."

My mother simply shook her head at me.

"She's upset because the calculator was yours."

"Then I'll tell her that it is no big deal. She doesn't have to cry because someone stole something that used to belong to me. It's not like I wanted it back."

Sometimes I am amazed at how thick I am.

"No, that's not it. She had something that belonged to you. That made it important. She carried around her big sister's calculator. Now someone has taken it."

I assume that my sister got a new calculator, a much fancier one, after a while. My old one never turned up. We never found out who took it or why. It was just one of those things that happened. For me, it was something so simplistic, but for my sister it represented something more. Something important. Something that was upsetting when it was taken. And I am almost certain that whoever took it had no idea how much value they held in their hands.

Well look at that. It's 2013

Well a new year is in full swing. I wish I could say that I made some resolutions or something along those lines. But I didn't. I am not quite sure why. Usually have some goal that I want to tackle. But this time, there was just nothing. I guess I am kind of tired of December 31st rolling around, I think of all the things I'm going to do differently and then it only lasts for a few weeks. By February, I'm right back where I was in December. Probably a very pessimistic way to look at resolutions, but it is what it is.

This New Year's Eve was the first one that I have spent with family in several years. While it was nice, it didn't feel complete. There is normally a ritual that my family does; something that was started spontaneously when I was really young. We watch NYE in Times Square on television and when the ball drops, we all drink a glass of ginger ale with cherries in it. Dad usually says some short prayer of thanks, we all say Amen and finish watching tv. This year, while I as finally able to be home, my sister couldn't be there. My parents don't have tv any more, so we had to watch the webcast version of the ball drop on a livestream. That was...different in a strange, quirky sort of way. My dad slept through the whole thing and only mom and I ended up drinking ginger ale together. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't slightly disappointed that we didn't keep tradition. I have no idea when I am going to be home for NYE again.

There is going to be a lot of changes that are going to be happening for me in a few months. I am not sure if my brain is processing it all or if it has decided that it wants to shut off and not think about it. In a few months, I have plans to go out of the country, attend my first PAX East, graduate from school (finally), and have my first legitimate job as a physician. I am going to try and take it all in, because I feel like if I blink, I am going to miss it.

Maybe that is why I was so chill when it come to ringing in the new year. I knew that life for me was about to make several changes in really big ways, so there was no reason to make any resolutions. The ball is already rolling.

So you might have heard of this TV show...

Not sure where I have been the past seven years, but I just found out about Dexter last week. I was having a conversation with a friend and he said "If you like Walking Dead, then you will love Dexter." Now I am not sure what parallel he was drawing between the two shows, but I do really like Dexter.

I think what makes me like the character of Dexter Morgan is how he is written. Yes, he is a sociopathic serial killer, but he isn't quite painted as a monster. He lacks emotion and he seems more like a shell than something that goes bump in the night. That is what makes him interesting to me. Also, the actor they got for him is pretty much perfect. There is something dark and heavy about his eyes, but not absolutely terrifying. Very much the mysterious and misunderstood guy next door. 

And the monologues that go through Dexter's head are interesting as well. I guess is not what I would expect to be going through the mind of a serial killer. I stereotypically think that in the inner workings of a person like that to be scary and unnerving. But it's not that in the least. it is more lack of understanding the way the rest of humanity works and having to fake like you do. Killing is the only thing that makes sense, but not in an animalistic sort of way. In a simple, clear and logical thought process.

I have only seen the first season and a few episodes of the second. If I ever were to write a killer, I would want it to be similar to the way that Dexter is written.