Work to be happy

I have always wondered why it is so hard to let go of negative things? Why do we keep things that haunt us so close to us? Why can't we just forget them? Let them stay in the past where they belong? What purpose do we have of reliving those moments over and over again?

This is something that I seem to have trouble with even now. Granted, it is not as bad as it once was. There were days when dredging up certain parts of my past would cause me to tearfully doubt my future. To curl up on my couch and question everything that I was and wonder what the point to continuing on even was. I could never understand why I constantly tortured myself by reliving all of my upsets and short comings over and over again. And I continued to do it, making myself feel worthless and low. Now when those same dark times come, they don't really last all that long. I remind myself that I made it through and I can't go back and change anything from my past anyway. I can only move forward and live life. No need to wallow in things that can't be undone.

But why is that so hard? Why does it take so long to shrug off all that past hurt and upset and move along with life? It took me a while and it took effort. It wasn't something that just happened when I woke up one morning. It was an active process for me to be okay. And it is process that is still continuing. Something that I have to make conscientious effort to make sure never to fall into again. I feel like it shouldn't take so much to forget what hurts and remember what brings joy. And yet it does.

I can't understand why I did such things to myself. All I know is that I never want to relive such a thing as that ever again. And if it takes effort on my part, then so be it.

Late Night Ramblings

It's one of those nights were I should be sleeping, but just can't seem to get there. So no time better than present to ramble on about nothing.

I'm standing right on the cusp of when my life is going to start amping up and getting insane. Seems to be quite familiar territory. Just a new brand of insanity, that's all. There are just so many things that I have to get organized and in line in order to start my LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL!!! I can't believe that I can finally say those words out loud. Man, it has been a long time in coming. I am so ready to be through.

However, these things aren't what is on the forefront of my mind. Seems like it never is. I always have my head in the clouds, thinking of other things to do that has nothing to do with my career goals at all. I have started working seriously on a script. I started piecing things together back in January. Small things mostly, like characters and world building. I drafted out the first two story arcs, just to see if this was something that would produce any stories of worth. I found out that there was something there, I just had to dig a little deeper. Recently, I have started putting together an actual script. (Just coincidence that I started during ScriptFrenzy). I wish that I could hammer out the writing at a faster pace. But that is always my wish. Right now, I just don't have to time. Well, I do, I just haven't managed my time well enough to have the time that I want.

Also, I have come to a halt where my art is concerned as well. Same problem. The time issue. Also, there are things I want to draw, but get so frustrated when I find it difficult to do. And there are points were I don't even start. I have no idea how the picture is supposed to work, so I don't even put the pencil on the paper to save myself the frustration of not being able to draw what I want. I know the only way to get better is to draw more. But I just get so upset when I can't reach the expectations that I have set for myself in my head. And my expectations just keep getting higher and higher. I am just never satisfied with any of my work any more.

And if writing and drawing weren't enough, I picked up yet something else that is time consuming. I haven't started yet, so I'm not going to go through all details. But I'm paralyzed to start. It's the whole "I have no idea how this is going to work out. What if it sucks? What if no one likes it? What if I'm terrible at this?". All the doubts rolling around in my mind for several weeks now. My sister has been pretty instrumental in trying to break down some of that. I will probably wait for the summer time before I decide on what my next steps are going to be concerning this.

So I know what a few of you are asking. Desy, where is your writing? Did you used to do a monthly article? Well, Click Here for Comics has been put on hiatus for an indefinite amount of time. While I loved nothing more than writing that article, I just didn't have the time to do it any more. And after writing it for a year, I got a bit of burnout. Will Click ever come back? I'm not going to say no, but I don't see it happening in the near future. Am I going to do another article instead? I have been toying around with the idea of one. I have playing around with some different formats and things like that. But again, time is a huge issue. Hopefully by summer time, I can be a bit more freed up and then go from there. 

So that's my life in a nutshell. Doing bits of writing, organizing things for the future, beating myself up over art again. Yep, such a lovely life that I lead.

Daily Write - Edge of the Unknown

"I always loved the view from here. It always felt like I was standing on the edge of the world, only a breadth away from the magnificent unknown that lies right beyond the horizon. Like some unseen world was just out of my fingers' reach."

Her toes inched ever closer to the edge of the rock face, winds from the sea below her buffeting her hair upwards and back.

"Lily..."

She ignored him calling out her name. Instead she closed her eyes and opened her arms, listening the sound of her sleeves billowing in the wind, like torn sails on a ship's mast.

"Did it mean anything?" she asked above the sounds of the wind, "The two of us, the time we had together, did it hold any place in your heart at all? Or was I just something to past the time?"

"I would feel much more comfortable if we talked about this standing away from there."

She didn't move. She merely leaned her head back and opened her arms even wider, as if she believed if she stood there long enough, the sea winds were whisk her away to this unknown that lay beyond the sea.

"This is the only place where I don't feel like my brain is spinning around in my skull. The only place where any part of my life makes sense any more. Even my dreams are confused now. I have no want to leave this spot."

"Lily, just come over here."

He sounded genuinely concerned. Of course he was. She was standing on the edge of  a drop that only ended in waves and rocks. Her pallid, tear stained face would go against her being of any sound mind at the moment. Again, she didn't move. She didn't want to. There was nothing more to say anyway. Just questions that would never have any answers. Well, never any answers that meant anything.

Her foot slid, like something magnetic was pulling her ever closer to the horizon before her. Maybe the wind would carry her off after all. Just as the few pebbles beneath her foot plummeted down to the white capped waves below, she felt a hand on her outstretched arms jerk her backwards. She was suddenly pressed against his chest, his arms wrapped around her head. There was only the sound of the wind and the waves lapping below. She could feel him shaking. Something she had not expected. Finally his voice broke the silence, nothing but a strained whisper working its way out of his throat.

"God damn you, Lily. God damn you."

Daily Write - Run and Live

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a DM. I even put together pieces for a campaign that I wanted to try and run. But alas, that dream was never realized and those notes were just stacked in a corner with the rest of the good ideas that I have had and never actually used. So this was supposed to be meeting that the group would have early on in the campaign to get things started off.

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I had not expected to have this meeting with you quite this soon. But desperate situations have forced my hand and caused the need for me to reveal myself to you. Fates preserve us, you are still so young. Barely able to stand on your own two feet. But I suppose it cannot be helped. Things are about to happen and you need to understand what has been set in motion in order to act accordingly.

It wasn’t always like this. Times have changed and changed drastically. For many generations, this land was governed with strength and wisdom. Then the Black came from the Wastes, devouring everything in its wake. The Knights of Flame had been all but defeated by the Lotus Queen and her Deathwalkers. And as the Knights were pushed farther and farther back, the Queen only strengthened her power, exacting her will on everyone with the misfortune of being in her path.

It was the beginning of dark days. A time where hope no longer existed, being trodden upon with every defeat the Queen exacted. Her Deathwalkers destroyed everything, leaving cinders and ash where thriving communities had existed for years. The people, once proud and unbending, bowed knee to their new ruler, vowing submission and loyalty through gritted teeth.  There was no other choice. Those who opposed fled in order to not to have their tongues removed from their skulls and eyes burned out with heated pokers.  And then there were those who hid themselves in clandestine dark corners, whispering of returning the days of old.

This is where you become involved. You were raised to believe that your parents had abandoned you soon after your birth. That you had been brought to this village of Cherrywood Falls to see that you were not left to fend through life alone. As you may have pieced together by now, this was not the entire truth. The Lotus Queen’s reach had yet to extend to the Northern forests, and Cherrywood sits right in the middle of it. That is why we hid you and others like you here. Those who were born with the natural ability to bend the Weave to their will. It was the hope of the Knights that, with training, you would lead the attack against the Queen, ending her reign from this land once and for all. It was to take years, but we were willing to wait.

But that hope too has been all but been dashed to cinders. The Queen has heard of the existence of children who hold a power stronger than her own, hiding right outside of her reach. As we speak, she is sending her Deathwalkers to the forest, looking for you. Looking to destroy any trace that people like you could ever exist. Hoping to squash the uprising before it ever starts.

Now, you must leave Cherrywood, leave the Northern forest, run and hide. You cannot let these Deathwalkers find you. And above all else, you must live. The Lotus Queen cannot be defeated by anyone else but you and those who share in your ability. If you are lost, then all has been lost.

Daily Write - I Wear Black

I wear black. I wear black in a world wear pink is the new black and blue is the new grey and all this changing of colors makes me wonder why I was ever taught the color wheel in the first place. In this place that is driven by what’s next, what’s new, who wore it and where can I get it. A place were the more it sparkles and the most it costs, the more it must be had. Where it is never too short and it is never too low and there is no such thing as too expensive.

I wear black in a place where no one looks you in the eye any more. They are much too busy talking on their Blue tooths, making appointments on their Crackberrys, or adding to their latest blog on whatever social network is fashionable for that hour. Talking over lunch is replaced by texting. Getting together for a movie is substituted by reading tweets. People tote around cellphones that costs as much as my rent payment, but never have time to use them to make calls to people that really matter. Time is spent to much more important things than keeping up with your friends.

I wear black. I wear black. I wear black.

I wear black in place where no one notices you unless you are loud and obnoxious. Where stepping on your friends and pushing aside your peers seems to be the only way to act. Where acts of duping, coldness, insensitivity and callous are rewarded. Compassion is shunned. It makes one soft. You must learn had to drive the bottom line. All that matters is the end. How you got there is irrelevant. Your friends are your potential enemies. Your enemies are your targets. People are speed bumps, hurdles and steps you must overcome to get to where you are going. In this place, you must be loud. You must scream at the top of your lungs or no one sees you. No one hears you. If you are not loud, you do not exist.

I wear black as I watch men and women change themselves inside and out to attain a skewed version of beauty. Eating, not eating, cutting, injecting, scraping and pulling, all running after a golden standard that is splayed all over magazines and billboards, television and internet. It is forgotten that our mothers and fathers called us beautiful when we were young. Instead we wish to fashion ourselves after airbrushed photos of perfection, not grasping just how fake our measuring stick really is. Tossing away rare beauty, I watch as everyone wants to look like another her or him they saw on the red carpet, hoping that in emulation they will become beautiful too.

I wear black. I wear black. I wear black.

I do not understand. Where did it all go wrong? How can we get it back? Where are the days when life was simple, enjoyable, where people were people and not mindless drones chasing after a standard that is unattainable? When did things matter more than people? When did material possessions become the only thing that life was about? When did infatuation become the center of this place that I live in?

I have no answers. I have only questions. And I watch as the painful march goes on. I watch my friends. I watch my family. I watch my world around me. I do not know what to do, so I wear black.

Daily Write - Hands Off

I was patted on the head. Like a pet who had successfully performed a trick for the amusement of their master. This hand belonged to an awkward man. Gawky in all ways imaginable, right down to his twisted front tooth and stiff legged limp. Even his attempts at levity are laden with uncoordinated blundering. I am not quite sure what gave him the notion that he could put his hands on me in such a manner. His arm moved as if even he was having debate as whether his hand should have been any where near me or my head.

I did not like it. I never like it when he touches me with those faux gestures of friendship and warmth which only turn out to be demeaning shows of his arrogance and telling of his social awkwardness. I would rather he simply ignore my existence. There is no need for him to put on this show of forced amiability. No one believes that we get along, least of all the one who he has decided to put his hands on.

Daily Write - Valentine Flowers

Before the dinner plans and secret gifts,

Before the spending time figuring out the perfect evening

I got flowers

Before spouses, fiances, and significant others

Before being told "I love you" on cold wintry evenings

I got flowers

During the days when boys were icky and girls had cooties

And the only thing Valentine's Day meant was candy hearts

The chalky ones with pink writing

I got flowers

I got flowers every year

Because you loved me

Because you thought I was special

Because you wanted me to know 

That you loved me and I was special

I remember. I remember getting flowers

Even now that Valentine's has been filled with so many other things

Nothing can take the place of those flowers.