Daily Write - Existence in Silence

In the silence, vastness spreads out before me.
When all is quiet and still, I can sense it.
Beyond the reach of the edges of my fingertips,
That is where it sits.
Beckoning to me in a tongue only understood
Deep within the recesses of the soul

This great expanse
That unfurls in the silence, feels empty.
And yet it is more. 
Much much more.
It is great and far and limitless.
It is colossal and open and free.

And it calls to me.
Calls to the essence of my being.
In the silence.

Daily Write - Rage

It burns. This once unnoticed ember that grew into an all consuming flame while my eyes were closed. This subconscious spark that was awakened in the recesses of my brain that I tried my best to ignore. It burns and it rages, beating against every defense I have put up around it. Despite everything I have done, it only grows larger, hotter, brighter. Pushing and pushing with fingers I cannot run from.

I don't want to fight it any more, I want to give in. I want to let go and let it have me. Even though it threatens to turn my very essence into ash and my soul to soot, I want to be consumed by it. No more suppressing, no more pushing it down, no more white knuckled grip on logical sanity and calm. I want to burn. I want to break, erupt, explode, destroy. I want everything to crumble and splinter.

And when nothing is left of me but ash and embers, I want to be left alone.

NaNoWriMo Day 7

I have officially made it through the first week of NaNoWriMo. Started with gusto, but the past two days have been pretty tough. It feels like I have lost that sweet spot that I had the first couple of days this event started. The smooth and quick writing, the flow of ideas, everything was coming to me with such ease. Then suddenly it feels like I am pushing a boulder along as the story just slogs onto the pages. And of course I want to edit the heck out of everything that I'm writing. I have been keeping a pretty good job of sitting on my hands, but the enjoyment factor of doing this has dwindled over the past day or so.

There are things that I want to do with my characters, development wise. I just haven't hammered out how I am supposed to be doing it. There is character that I want everyone to hate. There is a character that I want everyone to feel sorry for. There is a character that I want to pull on everyone's heart strings. And yet I feel like I am not making any of that happen. I feel like I am striving at an idea, but I'm not hitting it full on the head. And that frustrates me more than anything.

The story also feels like it is getting too long, surprising as that may sound. Like it is taking forever to get to the actual point of why this story is being told in the first place. I know, that is an editing call as well. And maybe it isn't too long, but just the fact that I am not excited about writing this part, but later parts of the story. Don't get me wrong, this part is enjoyable to write, but it is not the meat of the novel. I am still dabbling with the beginning.

So I guess this is where the real work is going to start. This is where I dig my heels in and show that I can write this novel in 30 days. This Saturday is going to be where people write all day. I think I am going to use it see if I can't get some of that beginning inspiration back and dig into my novel even more. At least I can get a nice word count padding if nothing else comes of it.

NaNoWriMo Day 1

Well, National Novel Writing Month has gone charging off for another year. I tell you, it feels really good to be a part of it. Especially since I had to skip it last year. My story got off to a pretty strong start and the online midnight write in. There are a lot of gaps in the plot that I have yet to figure out. But I'm sure it will all sort itself out when I get around to that part of the story. Or I will just leave the holes there and wait for the editing process to figure out what to do with them.

My characters are coming out a little bit different than I had planned for them to be when I first started outlining. The male MC is a bit more jovial than I wanted him to be. I was looking for him to be more distant and detached due to emotional injury. Basically, I wanted him dark, broody and broken. Right now he isn't quite reading that way. He comes across pretty normal actually. And he sounds younger than I want him to be. I wasn't quite aiming for fresh faced youth. I wanted to write someone a little more life weary. I am wondering if the coldness and unavailability I'm looking for will present itself in other ways as the story progresses. If not, then it kind of throws a wrench into the whole thing.

A plethora of minor characters came flooding in without my permission. Most of which I had not planned for. For instance, sisters of my female MC. The original plan was for her to be an only child. So yeah, these minor/secondary characters just sort of happened while I was typing. I don't know how many of them will actually stay, since muddying a story with too many characters is something that I want to avoid. But for now, I like most of them. However, giving them names is a pain.

So far, so good with keep up with the word count. Hopefully I can keep ahead like this for most of the month and get some cushion for the holidays. I think this is the first time that I have started with a lead this early in the month. But also, the other years I did this, I had a lot of things on my plate that I was juggling. Now, not so much.

That is about it so far. My word count is ahead. I like where my story is headed so far and I have gotten to talk with several local WriMos. Things have started off really well.

Daily Write - Dancing with Snowflakes

It was like dancing in snowflakes. Well, more the fun and elation that comes from the thought of what dancing in snowflakes would be like. So yes, the romanticized thought of dancing in light, airy, magical snowflakes that beckon us to watch them from windows and draw them in story books. That would be the best explanation that I can come up with. 

Time was slow and the world lulled into the surreal; the unbelievable. The point where reality reaches the veil of the imaginary and somehow that veil is parted. But only just enough. Just enough for us to catch the slightest of glimpses. The background noise of one too many days and a few too many nights melded into the nonexistent. There was nothing left but myself lost in this blissful swirl of gamboling, twinkling light descending down on the tufts of these downy crystals.

I found myself smiling and not being able to stop; face alight, hoping to catch one on my nose. For that is how it goes in the many books that I have read and movies I have seen. Like melting sugar in your mouth or angel kisses on your eyelids. How could that not make someone want to smile? I stretched my arms out and spun with them, laughter on my tongue, joy in my soul. It felt like dancing, this well of happiness that washed over me completely. Wish that this moment would last for always. That the snowflakes would never end.

Oiling up the noveling machine

It is one month until NaNoWriMo starts. I am really excited this year. More excited that I have ever been. And that is probably because I wasn't able to participate last year. Also, I know several new people who are going to be jumping in this year, and my excitement for them adds to the excitement that I was already feeling for myself.  There is something about seeing fresh faces ready to go and hammer out those 50k words.

This year, I have decided that I want to something a little more on the romantic side. I have been wanting to write a romantic story for a while, so why not use this as my jumping off point? I have been brainstorming some ideas of what this story is going to be about and after tossing around a few ideas, I finally settled on something. I am most likely going to be going back to my comfort zone of a medieval/fantasy setting. I haven't figured out just how much fantasy the story is going to have. Right now, the story is just this grey formless idea that is hanging around in my brain. I have been trying to figure things out and jot down ideas to make it into something more tangible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will have something more solid by the time November 1st comes around. If not, I'm going to be making it up as I go along.

One of the things I want is for the story to be more of a drama rather than some sap story where everyone is staring starry eyed at one another. I find dramas to be engaging and easy to immerse yourself in. Sappy stories I find..well, I can't say that I like them very much. I don't really relate all that well. I also am not interested in something that reads like a soap opera. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with soap operas, but that is not what I want this story to be.

Part of me is a bit apprehensive about doing this. While it is not that far out of my comfort zone, it is something different. And different always makes me a bit anxious. But it is a good anxious. I have been writing a bit on something else starting back in August, so my writing gears won't be entirely rusty. I was hoping to be done with that piece before November. It could still get done, but I don't see that as being likely. And once November comes, there will be no writing much of anything else.

Also, I am hoping to blog (and maybe vlog if I'm feeling ambitious) about this whole process again. Maybe I will keep up better than I did the last time.

So, back to planning. November seems like it is going to come way too fast.

Creating my own shadow

Why is it that I am never satisfied with my own personal  accomplishments in life? I am never happy enough to turn around and pat my own self on the back and say good job. I am forever looking at someone else and saying "They are so much better at (fill in the blank) than I am. Too bad I can't be like them. Maybe my life would not be like it is now."

This happens every now and again and frankly I am started to get irked that my brain continues to do crap like this. There are so many who would trade lives with me in heart beat. They would not understand what it is that I could possibly not be pleased with. I am one of the few who have actually accomplished something that I have dreamed about doing my entire life. And I treat that accomplishment with such flippant dismissal as if it didn't take everything I had to see it come to fruition. Why? I just can't understand why I can't be happy for myself.

I'm not whining or feeling sorry for myself. I just want to understand why my brain is constantly working over time to inform me of every fallacy I have, and making up some that I don't, and puts them on replay all the time. It wasn't always like this for me. So why this constant berating, even after I have done so much and endured so much? When am I going to be proud of where I am and happy that I progressed to that point?

I never feel jealous about the others I'm always comparing myself to. I just always feel less. Like everyone is pulling out a measuring stick and I never seem to make it to the point everyone else is reaching. It is probably the indirect reason I stay to myself. Everyone around me seems to be progressing by leaps and bounds and I feel so inadequate. But why? I have proven that I'm not. Others can see it. I know people think highly of me; my peers, my professors, they all believe that I am this stellar person. So why do I think differently? In direct opposition. As if they are all lying to me.

I honestly have no idea why this keeps happening. And I have lived with it for so long, I almost accepted that it was just the way I was hard wired. I almost accepted the constant internal second guessing of what everyone else accepts as truth. But honestly, I am tired of it. I despise the feeling. I don't want to feel judged when the only one who is doing the judging is me. I am ready to let go of this thing, whatever it is, and live my life out differently. I just want to be proud of myself.