You used to pester me so many of these worn out sayings. These axioms of life that you felt the need to hand down, like some wise sage sitting on a mountain top. Loss made a person realize what was special and what wasn't. Death makes a person appreciate life. Rejection steeled the resolve. All that was bad was somehow supposed to magically turn you into something that was a vast improvement on what you were before. We were to embrace struggle and adversity as the pressure that would strengthen us in the end.
Like reading out of a brochure full of clichéd life lessons, you spouted out these sentences time and time again. And for the life of me, I could never figure out why. What was your obsession? But now I have figured out, though I have figured it out too late.
You weren't talking to me as much as you were talking to yourself. You wanted it all to mean something. That all pain, loss, and anguish were meant for some ultimate goal in the end. That there was supposed to be some meaning in it that you were supposed to take away. That life wasn't simply a roll of the dice or a hand of cards played a the game of Fate and coincidences. Because, if it was all for nothing, if there was no purpose, how was anyone supposed to handle it?
I stopped listening after a while, growing tired of the fortune cookie advice. It got to the point where I could quote your answer before you parted your lips to say it. You became little more than an annoyance at that point. I just wish I had figured out why you held so steadfastly to those words.
Trying to make sense out of things that simply just happened. You couldn't accept the fact that it just happened, however. That some times there are no explanations, only acceptance. There had to be a reason, something deeper, something more. Everything was supposed to weave together into a bigger picture. It was just that you were incapable of seeing it. So you tried harder to put it all together.
But sometimes there is nothing. Nothing to learn. Nothing to improve upon. Nothing to make you a better person. Bad things happen. Period. There is no moral to the story. Life just continues. I wish I had put together what you were doing much sooner, then I would have seen what was happening. Perhaps then I would not have had to figure out how I am supposed to handle you not being around.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another Year Passes
My birthday is coming up pretty soon. The first thing I thought was, "My God, I am getting old. How many things was I supposed to do have accomplished by now? How many things were supposed to be finished by now? And yet I am still here, in this spot. So many others have past me? Another year has come and gone and what do I have to show for it?"
But for the first in a long time, that thought did not stick around long enough to have any impact. I sat and thought about all things that have finally gone right for me since my last birthday. I have slowly started putting back the pieces of my actual life and am beginning to learn how live again. How to be me again. How to be extroverted again. How to finally stop hiding behind these walls that keeps me away from everyone else.
I feel like I actually have some sort of intangible purpose, as cliche' as that sounds. I feel like for once the big picture that I fit into is starting to focus. No, I don't know what it is. I really wish I did. But I know that it something that I am supposed to do. Something that I am meant to do. So that means that even with the setbacks, things aren't over for me. Not by a long shot. And this is a different feeling than I had from last year. Last year, when I cried on my couch, thinking that things would never get better. If I had been any more down, I would sank through the floor.
No, I am not the shining beacon of success. Not yet. Sure, I am still climbing that mountain of ambition and dreams. But the point is that I'm still climbing. The point is I haven't given up. The point is, despite a year passing, I'm still here. Better than before, stronger that before, daring to push harder, dream bigger and aim higher. I no where near close to everything that I want to be. But I closer to it than I was a year ago.
But for the first in a long time, that thought did not stick around long enough to have any impact. I sat and thought about all things that have finally gone right for me since my last birthday. I have slowly started putting back the pieces of my actual life and am beginning to learn how live again. How to be me again. How to be extroverted again. How to finally stop hiding behind these walls that keeps me away from everyone else.
I feel like I actually have some sort of intangible purpose, as cliche' as that sounds. I feel like for once the big picture that I fit into is starting to focus. No, I don't know what it is. I really wish I did. But I know that it something that I am supposed to do. Something that I am meant to do. So that means that even with the setbacks, things aren't over for me. Not by a long shot. And this is a different feeling than I had from last year. Last year, when I cried on my couch, thinking that things would never get better. If I had been any more down, I would sank through the floor.
No, I am not the shining beacon of success. Not yet. Sure, I am still climbing that mountain of ambition and dreams. But the point is that I'm still climbing. The point is I haven't given up. The point is, despite a year passing, I'm still here. Better than before, stronger that before, daring to push harder, dream bigger and aim higher. I no where near close to everything that I want to be. But I closer to it than I was a year ago.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Daily Write - Never the same
"Do you know what it felt like?" he growled loudly, trying his best to keep his composure, "To be totally and utterly alone, all the time? To have everyone expecting so much from you, but never there to support you?"
He turned his back to her, gripping his hands at his sides. He had not meant to raise his voice. But he couldn't help it. She had no idea how it felt. He pinched his eyes closed, as if in some strange way if he tensed every muscle in his body, the building anger would have no way of coming out.
"This great progeny, everyone expects me to do the impossible. I am not allowed to struggle, I'm not allowed to fail. While everyone simply coasts along, it is up to me shoulder everything. Alone. You have no idea what I have been through. People think I'm lucky, but I would trade this curse away if given the change."
"You don't think I don't understand that?" she replied. Her voice was low and held the tone of injury. Her words were slow, like the weight of them cause them to roll of her tongue slower.
"You think you were alone because I chose for it to be that way. But I didn't. I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn't."
"What do you mean you couldn't?" he said, whirling around, "How hard was it for you..."
"...because I wasn't good enough," she replied, interrupting him before he got started back up on his tirade again, "I always knew you better, faster, sharper. I just never knew by how much. One moment we were the same and the next you were out of my reach. And the moment after that, you were gone."
She sat down on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped forward. Her hands limply fell onto her knees. Even her head was bowed downwards.
"I tried everything in my power to become your equal, but nothing I did was good enough. The gap between us just kept getting wider and wider."
She clenched at the cloth underneath her hands, words still tumbling like leaden weights from her mouth, "I never wanted you to be alone, but I was only going to hold you back from doing what is beyond the wildest dream for most of us. Do you think it was easy, watching you drift away, knowing that you were heading a place that I would never be able to follow you?"
He did not know what else to say. He was angry that she had not followed him. She was sad that he had left her behind. He sat on the bed next to her and let her head fall on his shoulders. It should have felt like it used to, back when they had swore they would always be at each other's side. But it didn't. The distance between them was firmly fixed now, and neither of them knew how to find the other.
"It is always going to be like this, isn't it?" she replied, inching closer to him, seeking some semblance of what it used to be.
"Most likely," he replied, gently snaking his arm around her waist and letting his cheek rest on the top of her head, "It is the one thing I have no idea how to fix."
He turned his back to her, gripping his hands at his sides. He had not meant to raise his voice. But he couldn't help it. She had no idea how it felt. He pinched his eyes closed, as if in some strange way if he tensed every muscle in his body, the building anger would have no way of coming out.
"This great progeny, everyone expects me to do the impossible. I am not allowed to struggle, I'm not allowed to fail. While everyone simply coasts along, it is up to me shoulder everything. Alone. You have no idea what I have been through. People think I'm lucky, but I would trade this curse away if given the change."
"You don't think I don't understand that?" she replied. Her voice was low and held the tone of injury. Her words were slow, like the weight of them cause them to roll of her tongue slower.
"You think you were alone because I chose for it to be that way. But I didn't. I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn't."
"What do you mean you couldn't?" he said, whirling around, "How hard was it for you..."
"...because I wasn't good enough," she replied, interrupting him before he got started back up on his tirade again, "I always knew you better, faster, sharper. I just never knew by how much. One moment we were the same and the next you were out of my reach. And the moment after that, you were gone."
She sat down on the edge of his bed, shoulders slumped forward. Her hands limply fell onto her knees. Even her head was bowed downwards.
"I tried everything in my power to become your equal, but nothing I did was good enough. The gap between us just kept getting wider and wider."
She clenched at the cloth underneath her hands, words still tumbling like leaden weights from her mouth, "I never wanted you to be alone, but I was only going to hold you back from doing what is beyond the wildest dream for most of us. Do you think it was easy, watching you drift away, knowing that you were heading a place that I would never be able to follow you?"
He did not know what else to say. He was angry that she had not followed him. She was sad that he had left her behind. He sat on the bed next to her and let her head fall on his shoulders. It should have felt like it used to, back when they had swore they would always be at each other's side. But it didn't. The distance between them was firmly fixed now, and neither of them knew how to find the other.
"It is always going to be like this, isn't it?" she replied, inching closer to him, seeking some semblance of what it used to be.
"Most likely," he replied, gently snaking his arm around her waist and letting his cheek rest on the top of her head, "It is the one thing I have no idea how to fix."
A surprising conversation :)
I had quite the interesting conversation today. I actually sat down with a classmate and talked about books, classical literature and rhetoric. Now, I know that this is a complete stereotype, but I did not expect to hold a conversation like that with anyone from my school. I have no idea why I believed that I was the only person who had their nose buried in books when they were growing up. I mean, to get this far in your academic career, you had to be a bit of a nerd. And most nerds had their noses in reading material of some type. But this entire conversation was quite the pleasant surprise.
The conversation started out just as small talk. She asked me about my writing and such. And then she mentioned George Orwell's 1984. I was floored. Now I wanted to pick her brain. What other literature did she know about? What else had she read? We talked about Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Doyle and others. We talked about Shakespeare and Hawthorne. We even brought it around to modern day writers, Learner, Baldacci, and who ever it was that penned Memoirs of A Geisha. We talked about the books we read when we were kids, for fun and for school.
Honestly, I have never talked books with anyone for years. It has never come up in conversation. Not leisure reading anyway. All I have ever heard people talk about are textbooks, review books, and peer reviewed medical journals. But this classmate, we were able to bond in a place that was entirely outside of all of that. Swapping book titles and authors like we had suddenly become our own exclusive book club.
We talked about English classes, rhetoric and forming arguments and how we both that it was utter bullshit. She told that me that I should watch "Chasing Amy" because Kevin Smith captured what conversation would be like if all us just stopped pretending and were totally honest with one another. I told her she should read A Study in Scarlet. I would be surprised if she wasn't hooked before she was halfway through it. She asked me if I liked reading from the Kindle.Did I miss the feeling of having a book in my hands where I could flip the pages.
It felt good. It felt so good. To be able to connect with someone else like in a place where I believed that I was the only one.
The conversation started out just as small talk. She asked me about my writing and such. And then she mentioned George Orwell's 1984. I was floored. Now I wanted to pick her brain. What other literature did she know about? What else had she read? We talked about Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte, Doyle and others. We talked about Shakespeare and Hawthorne. We even brought it around to modern day writers, Learner, Baldacci, and who ever it was that penned Memoirs of A Geisha. We talked about the books we read when we were kids, for fun and for school.
Honestly, I have never talked books with anyone for years. It has never come up in conversation. Not leisure reading anyway. All I have ever heard people talk about are textbooks, review books, and peer reviewed medical journals. But this classmate, we were able to bond in a place that was entirely outside of all of that. Swapping book titles and authors like we had suddenly become our own exclusive book club.
We talked about English classes, rhetoric and forming arguments and how we both that it was utter bullshit. She told that me that I should watch "Chasing Amy" because Kevin Smith captured what conversation would be like if all us just stopped pretending and were totally honest with one another. I told her she should read A Study in Scarlet. I would be surprised if she wasn't hooked before she was halfway through it. She asked me if I liked reading from the Kindle.Did I miss the feeling of having a book in my hands where I could flip the pages.
It felt good. It felt so good. To be able to connect with someone else like in a place where I believed that I was the only one.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Daily Write - I Win
"I told you to stay away from him,” Valara screeched, an accusatory finger outstretched towards the woman standing in front of her, “I told you that he was mine and that he would always be mine."
The loud clattering of the busy town road did nothing to dampen the fierceness that gathered in Valara’s voice. Each moment it only built more as she saw those two in front of her, together.
"I am no one's thing that can be claimed!” Damion shouted, “Do not place blame on someone else for what you were not able to do. I am not yours, nor will I ever be again!"
She ignored him. She kept her eyes on the smaller figure standing in front of him. She gritted her teeth, feeling her frustration mounting even more. She had called that woman, friend. She had taken care of her, let this woman stay in her home. Now this betrayal. Valarra would not stand for it.
“I warned you, Gemina. I warned the moment we met. You stab me in the back like this. Look at me when I am talking to you.”
However, the dark haired Gemina would not look up. She stood against Damion with her eyes firmly planted on the dirt road beneath her feet. Angered, Valarra automatically reached for her sword and unsheathed it with a single movement.
“Are you insane?!” Damion yelled, “Put your weapon away!”
His words were cut short by Gemina moving forward. Her hair hung down over face, which continued angled towards the ground, even as she moved. Her hands were clenched into fists at her side.
“As your friend, I stood by and watched you with him,”
Her voice was barely audible over the ambient noise of their surroundings, shaking as it reached the ears of those who were listening. Gemina continued.
“I watched you yell. I watched you fight. I watched you accuse.”
She took another step closer.
“I watched as he chased after you. And all you did was keep running away. You always expected him to be right behind you. And now you are angry that he got tired and has given up on the thought of ever trying to please you.”
Again, she took another shuffling step forward. Her hair swayed slightly with each step. Her grip tightened, knuckles beginning to bleach in color at her side. Her voice continued to tremble as she spoke.
“You were wretched. You were impossible. You were selfish, loathsome, and downright parasitic. And as your friend, I said nothing. Then he left you and came to me.”
With her final step, the tip of the blade pressed up against Gemina’s abdomen. Valarra blinked as Gemina stood in front of her, eyes still downcast toward the ground.
“You want to blame everyone for what you have done to yourself. The rest of the world was to bend to your will, for no other reason than your selfish wants. And now this, you threatening me with your weapon. I was scared of this moment. Of what you would do when you found out. But now…”
Gemina’s head snapped up in a swift jerk. It wasn’t fear that was burning in her eyes, but anger. A white hot anger.
“What are you waiting for?!” Gemina shouted, “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? Run me through! Take your sword and end this! Take what you believe to be yours!”
Valarra stared dumbfounded. She hadn’t expected this outcome at all. She had expected Gemina to back down, to slink away. Valarra had always been stronger, louder, and more belligerent. She felt pressure on her blade increase as Gemina leaned against it.
“Well?! Get on with it then! You pulled out your sword! Use it! Or are you nothing but words?”
Gemina’s eyes locked onto Valarra’s. For that second, the rest of the world melted away and it was just two of them. No ambient noise, no dirt roads, no Damion. And once, just this once, Gemina had the upper hand. There was nothing that could be done. She smacked the blade aside and this time it was Valarra that dropped her gaze to the ground.
“As your friend, I will now tell you this. We will continue on, Damion and I. Either live with that or turn that blade on yourself.”
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Bland Blues (WoW stuffs)
So now I'm a bit stuck when it comes to the roleplaying that I'm doing with my guild. Here is the tug of war that I am having right now. My character is quite simplistic and very much a blank slate. I made her that way in order for her to be able to fit into any story line. My guild mates on the other hand have quite the story going on. Drama, drama and more drama. I feel a bit left out, having a character that really has little to contribute to these epic story lines. So the obvious solution would be for me to create some type of drama for my character as well. Why not, right? House Silvacce is full of folks whose brains are only being held together by threads anyway. I would fit right in.
But here is my problem with that. I don't want to be that person who runs up and steals the spotlight just to be an attention whore. I want there to be a legitimate reason for all eyes to be on my character. Also I always fall into the pot hole of things being too over dramatic, like my character all of the sudden has become the star of her own crazy soap opera. And it will have nothing to do with anyone else, I just feel like it would be a great story in my own head. And anyone who has roleplayed in WoW and has had to sit through someone else's diatribe that you could not care less about knows exactly how painful that can be. I have been in that situation more times than I care to remember, where you feel like a trapped animal who is contemplating chewing their leg off in order to escape. I never want to be the person who is the cause of that.
So I reign myself in and sit and listen to everyone else carry, secretly wishing that had something just as entertaining to spout off as well. But I want to be something that is different (well at least different from everyone else around my character so far). I am just not sure what that thing is, at all. I'm sure that if I had more time to devout to thinking about my character, I could come with something decent. But like I stated before, any time my academic side gets out of hand, my creative side suffers for it.
I am playing around with a few ideas, so I am hoping that something pans out in the near future and I can start building a story around it. An interesting one that my other guildmates can participate in (when we aren't being attacked by kraken and swindled by goblins. Khyrza, if you are reading this, I love you. But I hate your bore worms). Anyway, back to the study cave.
But here is my problem with that. I don't want to be that person who runs up and steals the spotlight just to be an attention whore. I want there to be a legitimate reason for all eyes to be on my character. Also I always fall into the pot hole of things being too over dramatic, like my character all of the sudden has become the star of her own crazy soap opera. And it will have nothing to do with anyone else, I just feel like it would be a great story in my own head. And anyone who has roleplayed in WoW and has had to sit through someone else's diatribe that you could not care less about knows exactly how painful that can be. I have been in that situation more times than I care to remember, where you feel like a trapped animal who is contemplating chewing their leg off in order to escape. I never want to be the person who is the cause of that.
So I reign myself in and sit and listen to everyone else carry, secretly wishing that had something just as entertaining to spout off as well. But I want to be something that is different (well at least different from everyone else around my character so far). I am just not sure what that thing is, at all. I'm sure that if I had more time to devout to thinking about my character, I could come with something decent. But like I stated before, any time my academic side gets out of hand, my creative side suffers for it.
I am playing around with a few ideas, so I am hoping that something pans out in the near future and I can start building a story around it. An interesting one that my other guildmates can participate in (when we aren't being attacked by kraken and swindled by goblins. Khyrza, if you are reading this, I love you. But I hate your bore worms). Anyway, back to the study cave.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Daily Write - And Then You
I prided myself on having all the answers. On being able to figure out any situation and fix it right there on the spot. And then you.
There was no room for self doubt. I was confident in just about every move I made in life. And then you.
There was no second guessing, everything was a straight path in front of me. I had a handle on this thing called life. No tripping up, no stumbling about, I had everything calculated to the precise moment in time. And then you.
You make me unsure, you make me afraid. You make me forget about everything that I did yesterday. Nothing I ever was matters now that you are here. I feel like I'm starting over, but in what, I have absolutely no idea.
I look at those eyes staring back at me and I wonder to myself if I can do anything right any more. You have taken this tower of confidence and reduced it to nothing but frustrated and unsure rubble.
Ever since you came into my world, all I can do is worry. Will I get it right? How bad will I mess up? I have no answers, no pragmatic step by step guide. For the first time in a long time, I feel lost. And I don't like this feeling.
And then my wife looks at me and smiles while I hold you in my arms.
"You are going to make a great daddy."
For those of you who don't know, Karl Kerschl became a new father yesterday. That event is what spurred this little pseudo poem. I can only imagine what it must be like to have a small child now dependent on you. Exciting and scary at the same time.
There was no room for self doubt. I was confident in just about every move I made in life. And then you.
There was no second guessing, everything was a straight path in front of me. I had a handle on this thing called life. No tripping up, no stumbling about, I had everything calculated to the precise moment in time. And then you.
You make me unsure, you make me afraid. You make me forget about everything that I did yesterday. Nothing I ever was matters now that you are here. I feel like I'm starting over, but in what, I have absolutely no idea.
I look at those eyes staring back at me and I wonder to myself if I can do anything right any more. You have taken this tower of confidence and reduced it to nothing but frustrated and unsure rubble.
Ever since you came into my world, all I can do is worry. Will I get it right? How bad will I mess up? I have no answers, no pragmatic step by step guide. For the first time in a long time, I feel lost. And I don't like this feeling.
And then my wife looks at me and smiles while I hold you in my arms.
"You are going to make a great daddy."
For those of you who don't know, Karl Kerschl became a new father yesterday. That event is what spurred this little pseudo poem. I can only imagine what it must be like to have a small child now dependent on you. Exciting and scary at the same time.
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