Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Uncertain - Continued (more like discontinued, really)

So, it is odd how things work out sometimes. The day after I wrote my last blog, I got a call from a friend. She's someone that has known me for quite some time. We speak every now and again, but don't really spend much time together any more. Anyway, I get a call and she invites me out to hang with her around the city. It was unexpected, but I was jazzed to go. I really wasn't doing anything with my weekend anyway. Of course what she forgets to tell me is that she is meeting up with other friends who are already waiting for her. 

It's not that I don't like meeting new people, I'm just really out of practice and I feel uncomfortable initially. This usually leads to me to not speaking at all and being awkward. However, I must have been doing something right because the next thing I know, I'm being invited out to other parties and I'm making a social calendar. It was odd and great at the same time. That whole being alone thing wasn't there any more. It was a good feeling. I like it. Hopefully this happens more often. 


In other news, there will be no NaNoWriMo for me this year. There just isn't enough hours in the day. Just have way too much going on this year to make a concerted effort to create a story and then write it. It makes me sad, because I haven't missed in four years. But, priorities are priorities. I will pull my noveling machine out next year. Who knows, maybe I will actually do Script Frenzy instead.

So the pieces are slowly starting to come together. Still waiting. Life is still changing. But I feel better about it today.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Uncertain

I feel like I'm at this odd point in my life. I wish I had the words to explain it, but I really don't. It feels like treading water, like I am just doing something while I wait for the next big thing to happen. But I have no idea what that big thing is. It is just there, looming just outside of my perception. But I know it is coming. So all I can do is just wait...wait for it to happen and change everything.

And I don't think I have ever felt more disconnected than I do right now. All my classmates, present and past are gone. Off doing other things. It is just me now. Outside of my family, I don't really talk to anyone. At least not face to face. I go to work and come home. Nothing in between. And for some reason, now I am really feeling that void, that nothing. I can't say that it makes me sad or depressed or anything like that. I just notice it more.

My whole life is in flux and I can't do anything about it. A chapter is heading towards the end and a new one is beginning. But the swirl that is happening right now is...uncomfortable. I feel very much out of control. Things scare me. Doubt, anxiety, worry, all waiting in the dark corners at the back of my mind like traps for me to fall into.

I'm just treading water, just waiting and waiting.