Daily Write - Can't Find Myself

I honestly don't remember when I wrote this, but I can take a guess. Sometimes life does nothing but throw monkey wrenches...and bricks...at your face. I was probably getting pummeled with them daily when I wrote this. I guess the main takeaway point is...that time in my life passed and I'm still here. However, I did want to keep this here as a reminder that circumstances come and go. I, however, am here for the long haul.


At times, I wonder if I am losing myself,
Slowly falling to the circumstances and situations that are my life.
When did blue skies become grey? When did clear nights become so full of clouds?

How did I get here? To a place I don't recognize.
To a person I don't recognize.
When did everything fall apart around me?

I don't know what to do, but to keep falling.
I don't know how to pick myself up.
I don't know how to move on.

Is this what it feels like to have your soul slip through your fingers?
Is this what it looks like to have your life drain away?
Bit by bit. Piece by piece.
Colors fade, life wilts and every day another part of me is lost.

How many days do I have left?
How much more of me can disappear before I am lost entirely?
I want to leave this place I have found myself in
Someone show me how to turn around. How to go back.
To blue skies and clear nights, where I felt entirely whole.

Daily Write - Before the Ruin

This ruin wasn't something created recently. It happened many centuries ago. And since then has become lost in the passing of time, buried beneath the tide of years, slowly dismissed and forgotten. It used to be so beautiful here, which is hard to fathom when one lays eyes on it now. But it was a breath taking visage in a previous life. A splendor that really couldn't be captured in words, though many tried. There were endless attempts of those putting ink to paper, who tried to recreate in words what this place was. In rhyme, in song, in painstakingly organized prose; but there was no complexity of language that ever seemed to encompass everything. And now, this is all that is left of what was once indescribable. Simply broken and demolished. As if demons were belched from the cursed depths and devoured everything in sight, leaving their unnatural scar behind. 

Towers used to reach to the sky, glinting in unhindered sunlight. Everything sparkled, right down to the bricks underfoot. The very air was intoxicating. The city felt as if it were made with an essence of something that was unknown to us, yet it lived and breathed and poured out allure and exquisiteness that soaked into the very soil. The city was an entity, living, breathing, beating with a hypnotic pulse that no one could put into words, but everyone understood somehow. This place could not have been more entrancing had their buildings been made of crystal and diamonds, held together with gold and silver.

So how does something as legendary as a place that touched the heavens become dust and decay beneath our heels? Become forgotten and unspoken of, as if it never existed? The Purge happened. And not even this resplendent place could hold back that unleashed torrent. They washed through, like an ocean swallowing up the land. They ripped everything apart, from the heavens to the earth. And what they couldn't destroy with brute force, they burned to ash. Of course, that wasn't enough. Not for them. A beauty that cannot be defined had to be defiled beyond recognition, ground to powder beneath our feet, carried away on the winds of time and the tides of years. 

There was once beauty and splendor here that poured from the sky itself. But not any more. Demons came and tore it away.

My hair #2

So, it has been 8 weeks (closer to 9 actually) since I put in my last relaxer. Now I suppose the real test of this whole hair journey begins. New growth is starting to become visible and normally around this time I would start thinking about doing a touch up. I can't say that I'm extremely tempted to do so at this point. Let's see how I feeling in a few more weeks.

I am quite proud of myself for keeping up with this hair regiment I started for myself. I wash my hair every week and go through the whole process of hot oil treatments, tea rinses, deep conditioning and keeping the use of heat down to a minimum. With the help of my younger sister, I learned how to do roller sets better. So I will probably be going with the curly look as more of my natural hair grows out.

For some reason, I have never been a fan of hairspray, gel, or stuff like that. But it is humid summer in the south right now, and there was no way I am going to be able to keep a curl that won't fall within 2 seconds of me taking my rollers out if I don't use something. So I buckled and got the Olive Oil setting mousse. I have to say, it wasn't too bad. It did leave my hair feeling a bit dry and crunchy, but I used the Olive Oil moisturizing hair lotion afterwards. My hair returned to being really soft and my curls stayed in place. I really like the Olive Oil line of hair care products. It doesn't leave my hair feeling like it is covered in something slick and greasy.

There are still more things that I want to try and do with my hair, like learning new styles, better ways of taking care of it and what not. So far, I haven't gotten tired of doing this yet. Which is good, because I'm going to be doing it for a while.

Daily Write - My Hate

People always want some sort of explanation about why someone feels what they do towards them. Sometimes, the simple truth is that there is no explanation. The feeling is just there with no reason or impetus. It simply is, seated deeply inside, only growing stronger with each passing moment. And there was no action taken that caused the roots to firmly grip my soul. Nor any undeserved words spoken to cause the twisting of my emotions which shade out any hope of benevolent feeling towards you. It simply happened. 

Raw feelings of anger, bitterness, annoyance, jealousy, all writhing on top themselves into this firmly entrenched, roiling cauldron of hatred that sits square in my chest. There is no denying, fighting, or pretending not to notice. It leaks from my soul, into my heart, being pumped into every organ. It is all that I smell, that I hear, that I feel, that I think towards you. I hate you, with every poisoned fiber that is myself. I hate you.

 You will probably want to know why my loathing towards you burns with such intensity. And all I will tell you is that it simply does. Nothing you did started it, accept that you are. Nothing would give me more pleasure than have you simply disappear and be forgotten. And even then, I would still hate you.