Work to be happy

I have always wondered why it is so hard to let go of negative things? Why do we keep things that haunt us so close to us? Why can't we just forget them? Let them stay in the past where they belong? What purpose do we have of reliving those moments over and over again?

This is something that I seem to have trouble with even now. Granted, it is not as bad as it once was. There were days when dredging up certain parts of my past would cause me to tearfully doubt my future. To curl up on my couch and question everything that I was and wonder what the point to continuing on even was. I could never understand why I constantly tortured myself by reliving all of my upsets and short comings over and over again. And I continued to do it, making myself feel worthless and low. Now when those same dark times come, they don't really last all that long. I remind myself that I made it through and I can't go back and change anything from my past anyway. I can only move forward and live life. No need to wallow in things that can't be undone.

But why is that so hard? Why does it take so long to shrug off all that past hurt and upset and move along with life? It took me a while and it took effort. It wasn't something that just happened when I woke up one morning. It was an active process for me to be okay. And it is process that is still continuing. Something that I have to make conscientious effort to make sure never to fall into again. I feel like it shouldn't take so much to forget what hurts and remember what brings joy. And yet it does.

I can't understand why I did such things to myself. All I know is that I never want to relive such a thing as that ever again. And if it takes effort on my part, then so be it.

Late Night Ramblings

It's one of those nights were I should be sleeping, but just can't seem to get there. So no time better than present to ramble on about nothing.

I'm standing right on the cusp of when my life is going to start amping up and getting insane. Seems to be quite familiar territory. Just a new brand of insanity, that's all. There are just so many things that I have to get organized and in line in order to start my LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL!!! I can't believe that I can finally say those words out loud. Man, it has been a long time in coming. I am so ready to be through.

However, these things aren't what is on the forefront of my mind. Seems like it never is. I always have my head in the clouds, thinking of other things to do that has nothing to do with my career goals at all. I have started working seriously on a script. I started piecing things together back in January. Small things mostly, like characters and world building. I drafted out the first two story arcs, just to see if this was something that would produce any stories of worth. I found out that there was something there, I just had to dig a little deeper. Recently, I have started putting together an actual script. (Just coincidence that I started during ScriptFrenzy). I wish that I could hammer out the writing at a faster pace. But that is always my wish. Right now, I just don't have to time. Well, I do, I just haven't managed my time well enough to have the time that I want.

Also, I have come to a halt where my art is concerned as well. Same problem. The time issue. Also, there are things I want to draw, but get so frustrated when I find it difficult to do. And there are points were I don't even start. I have no idea how the picture is supposed to work, so I don't even put the pencil on the paper to save myself the frustration of not being able to draw what I want. I know the only way to get better is to draw more. But I just get so upset when I can't reach the expectations that I have set for myself in my head. And my expectations just keep getting higher and higher. I am just never satisfied with any of my work any more.

And if writing and drawing weren't enough, I picked up yet something else that is time consuming. I haven't started yet, so I'm not going to go through all details. But I'm paralyzed to start. It's the whole "I have no idea how this is going to work out. What if it sucks? What if no one likes it? What if I'm terrible at this?". All the doubts rolling around in my mind for several weeks now. My sister has been pretty instrumental in trying to break down some of that. I will probably wait for the summer time before I decide on what my next steps are going to be concerning this.

So I know what a few of you are asking. Desy, where is your writing? Did you used to do a monthly article? Well, Click Here for Comics has been put on hiatus for an indefinite amount of time. While I loved nothing more than writing that article, I just didn't have the time to do it any more. And after writing it for a year, I got a bit of burnout. Will Click ever come back? I'm not going to say no, but I don't see it happening in the near future. Am I going to do another article instead? I have been toying around with the idea of one. I have playing around with some different formats and things like that. But again, time is a huge issue. Hopefully by summer time, I can be a bit more freed up and then go from there. 

So that's my life in a nutshell. Doing bits of writing, organizing things for the future, beating myself up over art again. Yep, such a lovely life that I lead.