Daily Write - Mistaken Heart

Cixi sat, straddling the railing that enclosed the balcony overlooking the courtyard of her uncle’s estate. Here, the bustle around her seemed to be much quieter. The hurried day magically melted into lazy afternoon. She could never quite get used to it. Something so lush and serene existing in the midst of the capitol city. She was learning more and more that the Ebonlynx name could manage to do nearly anything, magic or otherwise.

So intent on the thoughts that held her mind captive, Cixi had not heard the doors to the balcony opening. Nor had she heard the foot falls of booted feet cross the threshold.

“Well one of us is deep in thought. Are you going to tell me what is bothering you, or are you going to make me guess?”

Cixi turned to see her uncle, framed in the doorway. Long strides carried Lord Jaias from the door to the balcony railing next to his niece. He had exchanged his usual stately attire for a more simplistic and humble outfit. And yet there was still something about his demeanor that would not let his social status be hidden under the meagerness of clothing choice. And his fire red almost seemed to burn, the highlights glowing golden in the afternoon sun. So was the man who sat at the head of House Ebonlynx

“Nothing is wrong, Uncle,” Cixi reassured, keeping her perch on the railing and leaning over to kiss him on both cheeks, “I was just daydreaming is all.”

“You’re just as bad a liar as your mother,” Lord Jaias replied, kissing his niece back, “Your charming fake smiles don’t work on me, young one. It wasn’t one of the family, was it? I have spoken to them about how they are to treat you.”

“No, it wasn’t that at all.”

“Is it the headaches again?”

Cixi shook her head, “No. I haven’t had to deal with any of that for a while now. You don’t have anything to worry about, Uncle. Just lost in my head is all. I’m sitting out here, thinking.”

Cixi subconsciously bit her lower lip for a split second, before remembering how her uncle constantly scolded her about doing so. But he had seen it before she was able to cover it up. He raised his eyebrow at her, his green eyes staring deep into her’s. Cixi hated that look. She always felt so childish and small when he looked at her like that. It cut everything away and reached into her bare soul.

“You are going to think me a very silly little girl,” Cixi started explaining, eyes falling away from her uncle’s glance. Her legs started to swing as she spoke, “I don’t even know why I am giving any thought to it at all. It’s utterly and completely ridiculous.”

“So,” Lord Jaias said, turning and leaning backwards against the railing, “What is his name?”

Cixi looked up, giving her uncle a startled look. A wry grin grew on his face, “You have a tell, my young one. And it is more than just that lip biting thing you do.”

Cixi looked away, not sure if she was flustered more by the fact that her uncle could read her thoughts or by the fact that she was having the thoughts at all. She took a deep breath, taking a moment to try and organize everything in head.

“It’s complicated,” she started, “I am not even sure how it all started. I think at first, I just wanted him to notice me. Just acknowledge that I existed. I thought that was all that I wanted. I would be happy with just that. And I was, for a time. But now, everything is so different.”

“Different?”

Cixi paused, her eyes moving back and forth at the scenery in front of her, as if  the explanation were somewhere amidst the flowers and shrubbery.

“I catch myself holding my breath whenever he walks past me,” she replied finally, “I’m always smiling like a fool whenever he calls my name. I try to force myself not to, but I can’t. Being near him makes me feel sick inside. But it’s a feeling I don’t want to let go of. I keep telling myself that I need to stop. I need to pull myself together. But I can’t. I simply can’t.”

“You even flush when you talk about him,” Lord Jaias teased.

He watched Cixi put her hands to her face, as if she could somehow wipe away the pink hue that was starting to creep along her countenance. 

“So why is that you want these feelings to go away?” Lord Jaias asked,” Do you think that he won’t feel the same about you?”

“He can’t feel the same way about me,” Cixi sighed, letting her hands fall and shoulders slump slightly, “It would be disastrous. There are simply too many things to complicate even the thought of pursuing anything beyond the relationship we already have.”

“You both are friends?”

“I am his subordinate.”

“Oh, Cixithara.”

Lord Jaias’ voice said it all. He did not need to say anymore. The downward lilt his voice took. How Cixi’s name was more of a breath than an actual word escaping his lips. She wasn’t sure if her uncle was disappointed or simply pitied her for making such a mistake.

“Ashbough,” Cixi said, pushing down the emotions that were rising in her chest, “Commander Ashbough of all people. It could have been anyone, Uncle. Anyone at all. Why him? Why does it have to be him?”

Cixi turned and looked at the gardens below her once again. Everything was calm, peaceful and serene.

“I’m a stupid girl,” she whispered, “A stupid stupid girl and I can’t make it stop.”