Anxiety, you aren't helping

Why is it that when I try something new and put myself out there, that it terrifies me? And I don't mean that as a figure of speech. I actually get very very anxious to the point I start pacing and I can't think straight.

For those who might not know, I got into livestreaming game play a few months ago. First stream was right before Christmas and for the most part it was successful. I streamed a few more times after that, but wasn't really getting that much traction. No one was stopping by and if they did, they didn't stay long. It was mostly just me and Pandora, hanging out with 1 or 2 people sitting in chat. A short time past, my life started getting hectic once again and streaming got put on the back burner. I thought about going back to it. But every time I thought about it, I didn't see the point. No one wanted to watch me so why try?

Just recently I was gently coerced into returning to it. It seemed that people found (more accurately, they were showed to) my corner of the internet. It was a fun time. I honestly had not expected as many people to show up as did that night. So when it came to streaming last night, I felt like I was trying to trap lightening in a bottle twice. My brain went through all the ways that everything could go wrong and all the disappointment that would come with it. You would think that I was doing something important and not just playing video games. 

I don't understand why stuff like that happens to me. I make such insignificant things into these huge ordeals. And I have been doing it since I was a teenager. It is like my brain decides that I am having way too boring of a day and hits the overdrive switch. I imagine that everyone goes through a little nervousness when stepping out into something different and unknown. But I don't think everyone overthinks and panics the way I do.

The thing is the stream was a disaster. I had so many technical issues that I had no idea how to fix. But the world didn't end. The viewers didn't leave. Even after all the things that went wrong, they called my 2 hour stream too short and wanted more. So all the worrying was for absolutely nothing.

Next time, I am just going to make myself a cup of tea and start playing meditation music when I start feeling anxious.