Late Night Rambles - Revisited

I haven't written a blog in a really long time. Honestly because I can't think of anything to write about. I always feel like my blogs should have something interesting about them that would warrant another person reading it. But I just can't seem to come up with anything like that. So I suppose another ramble will have to suffice.

Life over the past few years has just been a concert of spinning plates for me. It is all a game of how well can you balance everything in life. And it feels like when one plate falls, then rest of them come tumbling down with them. I had everything planned out for how this year was supposed to go. But nothing is really going according to plan. I'm not ready to take my Step 2 exams, while it seems like all my classmates have taken theirs. The whole going on away rotations is not going to be happening for me. (To be honest, I am quite happy that this part of the plan didn't work out. Was not looking forward to going on any externships). I spent an afternoon at the hospital getting an echocardiogram and a weekend wearing a Holter monitor. Nothing like ruling out heart disease before your 30. Plate after plate after plate, just hitting the ground at my feet.

And of course, old habits die hard. When things start going out of control, the first thing I do is to completely retreat. To isolate myself from everyone and everything, because I just can't bear the idea that someone is going to judge me for the mistakes I have made. I want to hide everything that is wrong under a rug, because I have this odd notion that everyone else has it together and I'm the only one that is lost and struggling. And instead of people helping, they will only judge and ask me how did I mess everything up so badly. 

I'm not sure how many times I have to go over this lesson before I finally learn it. Not everyone is out to get me, judge me, belittle me. There are people out there who would help if I would open my mouth and ask for it. Life happens. Plans get disrupted. Humans make mistakes. It's okay. The world is not going to end. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm glad there are people around who help me clean up my shattered plates.