Gearing up for November

Well look at that. Another NaNoWriMo is approaching. I haven't figured out if I am actually going to participate. However, I say that every year and every year I end up writing. Maybe it is a ritual that I have to make myself go through or something. I usually have a story idea by this time. Or at least a character or something. But this year, I don't really have much of anything. I thought about writing some more children's stories. I know that I probably won't hit the 50k mark doing that, but it would get more books in the series written. And having something is better than having nothing.

Honestly, I really don't feel like writing any else. What I mean by that, I don't feel like creating anything new. I feel like I have a ton of stories already done and hashed out in my head. There really isn't any reason to go and start created more from scratch. I should work on what I already have in front of me. I probably should be working on my writing more than I should anyway. I am not sure what happens. I write, write, and write and then things get laid to the side. Laid to side for too long and then they are forgotten or replaced with something new. And then nothing gets finished. I really would like to finish something.

And when I say finish, I mean something polished and presentable. Something that I would not mind others reading and passing on to others. Right now, the "finish" I have is the terrible rough drafts that I bang out during my month of furious noveling. And while that is better than nothing, I feel that I should have something presentable and polished by now.

So what is different this year that makes me think that I will not be able to participate? Well, NaNoWriMo is falling smack into application and interview season for me. I need to be focusing on that and not trying to push out 50k on children's stories. On top of that, I will still be in rotations and who knows if I will have taken my Step 2 by then. Any extra time needs to go to studying for that. But I give myself all these reason why I can't do it, but I know in my heart of hearts I am going to attempt it. I always do. And the thing this is going to push me to do it is someone telling me that it can't be done. I hate when people say that to me and something in me has to prove them wrong. Just absolutely has to. 

I have a long list of children's stories that I want to tell. Something else that got put on the back burner and never looked at for however long. We shall see what this year brings. If I win, great. If I don't, not going to beat myself up over it. It is several more books added to the series that I didn't have before.

Daily Write - Coming of the Silver Dragon

Lightning split the sky, illuminating the darkness for only a few seconds before the landscape slipped back into darkness. The crack and roar of thunder peeled a moments later. However, that sound was not any louder than the pounding of the horses' hooves as they galloped, full speed, on the winding dirt road. It wasn't any louder than blood that was pulsing in his ears or the beat of his heart as it hammered inside of his chest. This was not supposed to happen like this. It was not supposed to be happening at all. If anything happened to his brother... The size of the lump in his throat only grew as panicked thoughts and fearful visions rushed through his mind. He dug his heels into the flanks of his horse, spurring it on faster.

The destination was just visible, the flashes of light showing the dark outline of the manor estate against the cloud covered night sky. The heavens above started to open up as the cold sheets of rains started to fall. He kept going, yelling for his horse to go faster, yelling for the rest of the group to keep up. He could feel it now, stronger as he got closer. It covered his skin like an invisible, oily film. He could sense it in the air he breathed, almost feeling it coating the inside of his mouth, like breathing in an invisible smoke. Never had he felt anything like this before. It scared him. It scared him beyond measure. He had to find Valens. He had to find his brother, before it happened.

They were almost there. He could see the flicker of lights in the windows. He screamed at the top of his lungs. He screamed Valens name over and over, though the rain and thunder were much louder than he could ever be. Then he felt it. A building swell, a dragging in of all energies, a mammoth influx like nothing he had ever felt before. His horse reared up, whinnying and kicking as it did so. All the rest of the horses did the same, refusing to go a step further. It did not matter how many times the riders dug their heels into their flanks, the horses were not moving.

"What's the matter with these stupid animals?"

"Something has them..."

He could feel it, like a giant wave coming to crash down on their heads. He turned and shouted, "Get down!"

The light was blinding, the blast deafening. The glass windows shattered, all of them, shards littering the ground outside. The heavy wooden doors shot of their hinges as if they were nothing but paper be blown about in the wind, splintering under the force of the blast. The stone steps cracked. The very ground shook as the swell erupted, knocking everyone to the ground who wasn't already there. He dug his fingers into the mud underneath him, the lump in his throat threatening to choke him. If anything happened to this brother...

He looked up at the house. It was as if something had picked it up and dropped it again. A crack split the building in two and the roof had been peeled clean off. He staggered to his feet, ignoring the muffled ring sounding in his ears. He had to find Valens. His brother had to be okay.  He choked on the dust as he stumbled over the threshold, through the darkness and the rubble. He shouted, but there was no answer. Just the sound of the rain and his own heart. In the flash of the lightning, he saw it. On the wall was a woman, dressed in a long sleeved gown, face disgustedly twisted and staring into the distance. There was a spear through her abdomen and a sword through her throat, both still dripping with blood. He stepped over bodies that littered the floor. A man and a woman both lying in pools of blood next to each other. Another man was pinned to a pillar, arrow going through his neck. The panic was growing, knotting up in his stomach. Where was his brother? He shouted again and again. And thunder was the only thing that answered.

Finally, in the darkness, someone called back.

"Viktor..."

He turned. He wasn't his brother's voice. It was one of the men that came with him, kneeling next to one of the bodies. All he could see was a head of long silver hair. He walked over and looked down. His eyes stung and the knots in his stomach grew tighter.

"No," he said, falling to his knees, "No, no, no..."

There, among the broken stone, at the feet of the woman with the twisted face was Valens. Blood ran from his ears, frothing out of the side of his mouth. His blue eyes were open and stared into nothing. Viktor scooped his brother's lifeless body into his arms, just repeating the same word over and over again. No. No.  The others backed away, hanging their heads. They had been too late.  The transformation was complete.

Late Night Rambles - Revisited

I haven't written a blog in a really long time. Honestly because I can't think of anything to write about. I always feel like my blogs should have something interesting about them that would warrant another person reading it. But I just can't seem to come up with anything like that. So I suppose another ramble will have to suffice.

Life over the past few years has just been a concert of spinning plates for me. It is all a game of how well can you balance everything in life. And it feels like when one plate falls, then rest of them come tumbling down with them. I had everything planned out for how this year was supposed to go. But nothing is really going according to plan. I'm not ready to take my Step 2 exams, while it seems like all my classmates have taken theirs. The whole going on away rotations is not going to be happening for me. (To be honest, I am quite happy that this part of the plan didn't work out. Was not looking forward to going on any externships). I spent an afternoon at the hospital getting an echocardiogram and a weekend wearing a Holter monitor. Nothing like ruling out heart disease before your 30. Plate after plate after plate, just hitting the ground at my feet.

And of course, old habits die hard. When things start going out of control, the first thing I do is to completely retreat. To isolate myself from everyone and everything, because I just can't bear the idea that someone is going to judge me for the mistakes I have made. I want to hide everything that is wrong under a rug, because I have this odd notion that everyone else has it together and I'm the only one that is lost and struggling. And instead of people helping, they will only judge and ask me how did I mess everything up so badly. 

I'm not sure how many times I have to go over this lesson before I finally learn it. Not everyone is out to get me, judge me, belittle me. There are people out there who would help if I would open my mouth and ask for it. Life happens. Plans get disrupted. Humans make mistakes. It's okay. The world is not going to end. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm glad there are people around who help me clean up my shattered plates.