The End of 2011

So another year is on it's way out. Feels like time just keeps flying. I can honestly say that 2011 has been quite the rollercoaster ride. It started with me at my worst and then slowly climbing up to one of the best days I have had in quite some time. I made friends with people that I never expected. I achieved the goal that I set out to do at the beginning of the year. And that was to finally take some of those projects I had set on the back burner and start doing them. Looking back, I feel like things have come about full circle and ended this year in a much better place than what I started it in.

I'm still not making an huge resolutions this year. I feel like just by doing that, I have already set myself up to fail. Instead, like last year, I have a list of goals. Goals that I have had for quite some time, just never made them priorities. I find that to be a simpler way for me to get things done. Some how whenever I add fanfare and pomp and declare to the world what I have set out to do, I fall short. However, when I just get up and do something, it's more likely to get done. *shrugs* I don't understand it either. I have just decided not to fight it. So let's get this done in 2012.

I do have to say that I got a lot of inspiration from a person who goes by the name EdeMonster, the Healthy Gamer. He has just about every social network available, so if you are reading this, then you should go and look him up. Anyway, he decided about a year ago that he was going to get himself in shape. And he has his before and after pictures. Honestly, it looks like two different people.It was quite impressive to look at. I think I am ready for that to be me. To wake up and decide, "yeah, let's get to this for real." because let's face it, I'm not going to ever have free time in my life ever again. Might as well figure out how to spin these plates the best I can.

If I am tired of the way something is, the only answer is to change whatever bugs me to what I want it to be. I'm not fooling myself into thinking that what I am purposing to do is going to be any small feat. That would be stupid of me. However, I know that simply standing still and wishing is just as daft. So my goal for 2012: To change. To continue what was started in 2011 and become more.

So how do I feel about 2011? I feel good. I crossed a good number of milestones, enough to be satisfied with and proud of. How do I feel about 2012? I've got things to do, things to accomplish, projects to finish. I'm ready to get it started.

Leaving a Legacy Behind

People talk about leaving a legacy behind, but do any of us really know how to do that? Do any of us really believe that we, as one person, can cause such an impact that our fingerprint will be left on the world for years after we have left it? Or are people largely like me, thinking that those who have made a legacy for themselves are larger than life and we could never hope to do something as great. I suppose a bit of that kind of thinking changed for me right before Thanksgiving.

It changed because of a single woman named, Dr. Pamela Williams, MD. She wasn't on the national news. She didn't invent a new surgical technique. There is no equation that is going to be named after her. But the ripples of the legacy that she left behind will be felt for years to come, even though the people who are benefiting may not even know it.

There were many of us out there. Us meaning students who medical school was beating up and we had given up. Given up on everything. We were ready to pack it up and call it quits. And in many other institutions, the administration would have called it quits on us too. But Dr. Williams saw more than numbers. She saw us. She saw potential. And as long as we had enough in us to continue on, she would do everything in her power to make sure that we reached our dreams of being a physician. How many of us would not have made it across that line, had it not been for this woman? I shudder to think.

Two days before Thanksgiving, Dr. Williams passed away from breast cancer. The entire school reeled. She had been our bright beacon of hope. Sitting in that chair, telling us that we could do it. Telling us that she believed in us and was invested in seeing us succeed. She made you want to make her proud. Ever since last March, I had been planning what I was going to say to her when I finally walked across the stage. But now, I won't get to tell her. It would have gone something like:

Dean Williams, I can't tell you how much you believing in me helped to get me to this point. When we first met, you told me that you were invested in seeing me get across the stage. Honestly, I thought you were full of it. I didn't think that anyone in your position would care that much about one student. But you proved me wrong. You proved me wrong on numerous occasions. You were strong when I wasn't. You had enough belief in my abilities to carry the both of us. You and your staff are the main reason that I am standing up here, realizing the dream that I have worked so long for. There are no words to express my gratitude. I promise to make you proud of me.

There are many like me. Those who would not have made it if not for her. People who would have not been cared for, because we weren't there to fill that role as a physician. Lives that we would have not been able to change if it had not been for that woman.

That is the type of legacy I wish to leave when I am gone from this world. People don't have to know my name. They don't have to know my face. But if something I started expands beyond me and touches lives of thousands, then that is something that I can be proud of doing. So that is what I have set myself out to do now, somehow, in some way. Dean Williams, I am going to make you proud of me.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 30

Well today is the last day of the noveling marathon, known as National Novel Writing Month. Today is when you hammer that keyboard like a person possessed and make sure you get that word count. Well guess what ladies and gents: I WON! I MADE IT TO 50K! Man, and to think that I was about to quit a few days ago. Winning feels so great! I actually threw my hands up in the air and cheered when I saw that winner page. I did it! I actually did it! Going to ride this high for as long as it stays around. And the winner video was so great. It made me smile.

My story stayed on course for the most part. There were introduction of characters that I didn't really think of in the beginning. And there were certain rules to magic that kept inventing themselves the longer I kept writing. And then the ending changed, drastically. Of course, it's not a perfect story just yet. There is a tremendous amount of editing that has to be done to it before it becomes something that I would fall in love with it. But there is something there. I just have to sift around through all the ideas on those pages in order to find it.

I did get out to one actual write in this year. I do believe the virtual write ins were my saving grace, however. It was a way to do word wars and feel connected with my region, even though I wasn't able to get out and see them face to face. They definitely did a lot when it came to helping me get across that finish line. There were more than a few nights when I needed some encouragement in order to get my word count for the day. And that chat was a God send.

So what are my plans for this story now that November is over? Well, I am going to let it sit and marinate for a while. I don't know if it is something that I want to publish, or something I want to peel apart and reconstruct into a different story. I'm not 100% satisfied with it the way it is. I think this is the first time that I have said something like about any work that I have written for NaNoWriMo. But this time around was different feel anyway. The idea for the story came later than usual. And it came from a thought that had been in my mind from a very long time ago. I had written on single scene and had thought of two characters. And to take a vague idea like that one and start fleshing it into a 50,000 word work, there is bound to be some areas that aren't exactly what I want them to be.

So there you have it. Didn't really give the play by play of what the month of November has been like, but hopefully a large enough peek to be entertaining and/or informative. So, I will be taking a break from writing for a bit, just to give my brain some time to recoup from the week of catching up I just did. I am very much thinking about making December an art month. We will see if it happens or not.

I want to thank everyone who left comments. And I want to thank people for reading. I do a lot of blathering about nothing on this blog. Kind of nice to know that I'm not simply talking to myself.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 29

So many things have gotten in the way of me writing this novel, you just don't know. I will be writing about a few of them in later blog posts. I was ready to throw in the towel yesterday. I just knew that I would never be able to finish on time. But my Nashville WriMos just weren't going to hear any of that noise. I was told to put my fingers to the keyboard and get to typing. As of right now, I'm 5k away from hitting 50,000 words. That is so doable for me. I am so glad that I didn't give up. If I accomplish this, it will be my second win. And it will be so good, because I was able to do it when people told me that I wouldn't be able to.

Is my story a huge mess? Yep. Will it need more editing than any story I have ever written? Definitely. But I did it. I finished it. I pulled it out. And really, isn't that what NaNo is about? Well this post is going to be short because I have a lot of writing to finish between now and lights out tomorrow.

Congratulations to those who have already won. And to those who are still writing, don't give up. You still have one more day left.

Haven't played WoW in 3 months

So, I sat down and tried to figure out when the last time I actually jumped on WoW was. I don't really miss playing so much as I miss rping and messing around with my guildies online. I miss being part of the story arcs. And recently I found out that they ran one that I had even gone into dungeons and gotten rp clothes for. It all made me quite sad. They are an awesome group of people and I want to be in contact with them more. But my world forbids it. I just don't have enough time. And I don't like the idea of paying for something that I don't have enough time for.

It's so odd. A few months ago, I was all nervous about trying to find a guild that I liked and now I can't even play with them. I was so twisted about trying to find a good story hook for my character and I can't play it out. Don't know whether I am more sad about not being able to finish out what I started or that I wasted so much time and energy being worried over something that was never going to happen anyway.

So I heard about the Pandera class that was going to be added. I suppose I am of two minds about that. I think the class is a cool addition. I wouldn't mind playing a fluffy bear. But do I want to pay another $50 for that expansion pack? Not really. Not for bears. But knowing me, I will blindly buy any Blizzard product just because they own my soul and I have no other choice but to buy these things.

I want to get back into WoW some time soon. I just have no idea when that time is going to be. Life is just crowding out everything that I want to do. Free time is usually saved for other things that have higher rank at this point. My guild is cool about it. They totally understand that RL is priority. Doesn't mean that I don't miss the crap out of them.

Anyway, I suppose I should go back to working on my novel and studying and all those other things that get my time. I miss you, WoW, I really do.

NaNoWriMo Day 12

So yesterday was the first day that I didn't hit word count on my NaNovel. I was tired and just couldn't get those final words on the paper. Plus I think I'm a bit hung up. I suppose I could write through it or I could sit and plot through it before actually writing it down. I have gotten to the part of the story that needs more planning, but I don't actually have the time for it. I feel like now I'm just writing pieces and wondering if it will fit or if I am going to chuck it out later. I guess I don't like the thought of entire ideas being axed out of my story. If I write it, I want it to stay. However, at this stage, I'm not sure that everything I am writing down will be part of this story or another that will come after this one.

I like my story and I like my characters, so those are always good signs. I just wish that I was a little tighter on how the story is supposed to progress. I am writing and it feels like I'm living big gaping holes to be filled in at some other time. Now I normally do that when writing, especially something lengthy. But this time around, I feel like I have a lot of holes that I have to go back and fill. And I do mean a lot. Not exactly a huge fan of having to do that.

People and places still don't have names yet. The book still doesn't have a title. But what it does have is over 17,700 words. So obviously there is a good story amidst all of that. Just going to keep hammering away at it and see what comes of it. Worst thing that could happen is that it gets sat on the shelf after I am done with it. Best thing, I could polish it into something amazing!

Probably will try and catch up to the 20,000 mark today. I'm in a bit of a creative mood.

NaNoWriMo Day 8

So it is Week 2. Right at that point where all the excitement of starting a novel slowly wanes a bit and now you have to dig in and make yourself write your 1667 words a day. I was definitely starting to feel the amount of motivation I had for this story starting to leak out a bit. Sitting and writing was becoming more of a fight than it had when I first started. So what did I do to fix it? I went to a write in.

I am very lucky to have a very active NaNo Region. We have several write ins a week and for those who can't get to the physical write in, there is a chat room where we can sit and talk while we write. We even do word wars. I forgot just how much I can get written during a word war.

So right after I got out from clinic, I took myself and my computer to the meeting spot and sat down. I saw some old faces, I saw some new faces. It just pretty great to be with people who were doing the same as me, clacking away on their computers, hammering out those stories.The chat room is pretty helpful, especially when it is later at night and I need that little spurt of energy to keep me going until I get all my words in for the day.

So how is the story going so far? Well I did hit a patch where things were starting to get boring. And if I'm bored, then I know that no one is going to want to read it. The story was just starting to become a walk through the every day school life of my MC. And really, what is the fun in that? So I was advised to start some conflict, that would bring the interest back into the story. I took that advice and ran with it. My MC has so far gotten into to verbal fights and a physical fight. I am in the process of writing another verbal. His being timid is definitely not working in his favor at this point.

One of the problems that I'm having right now is that I vaguely know what I want to happen when it comes to story progression, but I don't have it solidly pinned down just yet. And I want to write a story where clues to what is going to happen at the climax have been laced all through out the story. However, if I'm not clear on how things are going to be in the end, I can't lay down those clues. It sort of frustrates me.

Also, I don't have concrete rules on how magic works in this world. I can tell that there is a basis of it somewhere in the recesses of my brain, but it is not fully there yet. Again, something else that frustrates me. I can tell that this is going to need so much editing once this month is over. But, can't think about that now. Now, I just write and write and write some more.

50K or bust!

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 5

So, I have made it to the weekend. Hooray for small victories. So far, I have been keeping up with word counts, even going a smidge over for some cushion. That and  the scene I am writing hasn't quite ended by the time I reach the number allotted for the day.

Already hitting a few snares in the story. First, I thought that the MC's mother was going to have more of a role in the story. However, I ended up killing her within the first few pages. So, not as much of a role as I had originally planned. And then a new character popped up, out of the blue. I don't know where she came from. The recesses of my subconscious, I suppose. Anyway, she has suddenly become integral in the beginning and I have this nagging feeling that we are going to see her again. Why and how still remains a mystery.

There are a few things going on with the story that are bugging me. First off, my inner editor is banging her tin cup on the bars of the cell that I have locked her away in for the month. There are times where it feels like it is taking every ounce of restraint I have to not go back and start editing from the beginning. Knowing I could have written that better, chosen better wording, arranged the scene better. I have to force myself to keep plodding ahead. And there are times when I want to go back and cut entire paragraphs and start over. But editing is for December.

I feel like my story is meandering around before it actually finds itself and what it is supposed to be doing. It was the same way with my 2009 NaNovel. I think I was 30 pages in before the adventure idea I had planned out actually started. It wasn't a boring story (at least I don't think it was) but it just took a while to start off on the adventure part. So does that mean I shouldn't worry, the good stuff is coming, or am I writing things that aren't needed. Again, editing.

Not sure how I feel about my MC either. I feel like I have taken every flaw and insecurity that I have and wrapped them in a nice little bow and named them Hawke. I feel like this guy would jump at the site of his own shadow. He is just awkward and timid and overly polite for no reason. I don't like it. He feels...wrong. This is not the way I wanted him to be. Yeah, I wanted him to be slightly apprehensive, but instead of just sprinkling it in, I might have knocked to the whole pepper shaker into the mix. Again, not sure how to reign that in and fix it. Maybe the more I get out on paper it will somehow right itself.

I haven't been able to make any of my regions write ins. I am hoping that things will go better the second week when it comes to that. Keeping my fingers crossed. I get so much more done when I go to a write in. And it just more fun to write. Anyway, back to the grind. Balancing writing this novel and getting a presentation together for class. Hooray, my life rocks.

NaNoWriMo 2011 Day 1

And we're off! Okay, have to admit, I had no idea how this whole story was going to start off. Definitely not the feeling you want to have when you are about to start a 50k word work. But the moment I opened up Word and wrote the first line, the story just took off and I decided to follow it. I have no idea what the title of this story is going to be called yet. I'm hoping that will come to me when I have gotten some more of this story written.

I am actually amazed at what started tumbling out on the paper. I really had no idea all of that was in my head. Seems like I have subconsciously put together a lot of story and it didn't come out until I started typing. Things like were people lived, the look of the place they lived in, the dynamics between characters, etc. I love this part of writing, when you are discovering your characters and their world. Sometimes what I write comes as surprise me, even though I have sat down and plotted out so much. And I can't wait to have more of those moments.

So what is my story about? I guess I should at least give you that if you are reading this blog. It's fantasy, because that seems to be my love when it comes to writing. Basically it's going to be a story about a boy who is found to be somewhat of a magic prodigy. He has to leave his comfort zone and slowly excel as a mage/wizard/sorcerer/whatever I'm going to call it when I get there. I want to play around with the idea of how being the best and being leader means that you are alone. And how does one deal with being set apart, especially if it was not a voluntary choice. I want to look how Hawke (main character) interacts with others when he is beyond them, thinking 5 steps ahead of everyone else. And I want to look at how others react to him.

I also want to play around with the rules and perceptions of magic. I am hoping that this will be fun little experiment and see where it goes. I do have more plans for Hawke as he gets older. Plans that will probably not be able to fit into one book. (Because I can never plan one book. I always to have to shoot for the sagas)

So that is it for tonight. I am super sleepy. I am hoping to at least do one blog a week and keep them interesting. Until then, let's keep those noveling machines going!

Pre NaNo jitters

Don't know if I'm giddy for this whole thing to kick off just yet or am I totally terrified that my story idea will unravel before it gets started. Or am I concerned that I will run out of steam before I get close to 50k words. I usually don't feel this much anxiety. Of course, I usually believe that my story idea will work. However, this year is a whole different can of worms. 

I have had an idea for this story for quite some time, spurned by a character someone made for a D&D game a few years ago. However, the more I plotted out things, the more I was seeing an eerie parallel to Harry Potter. And that is what terrifies me. I don't want to inadvertently write some Harry Potter look a like by accident. I want this to be my story, my world. And it is slowly driving me nuts.

It is just so easy to fall into that set up. Magic school, mean student, student who is the best friend, go off on some adventure. I suppose the only thing I can do is just take the formula and make it unique to me. And then I can leave the editing for December. (Or whenever I get around to it). I suppose what is going to make it my own are the rules about magic. I might do some tweaking on them before the writing frenzy starts.

So yeah, three more days...only three more days.

GMX Day 2 and Day 3

I had to condense these two days down into one post because I wasn't there for the entirety of either two days. However, I want to talk about some of the things I saw and did the rest of the weekend.

The panels that were done this year were great. I know last year there were a few that I was a bit iffy about, but none of that this year. I went to several panels on writing and art, and it just felt good to sit down and talk shop with those in the same craft. I didn't get to go to all of the writing workshops that I wanted to because they were scheduled against things like Live Angry Birds (we will talk about that later) and stuff like that. But what I did get to sit on was really really awesome.

I have to say that the Geek Journalism panel was exactly the type of thing I was looking for. Yes it was Sunday and yes everyone was tired, but I was happy that I sat in on it. Sitting through the panel, I felt like the site that I work for was not the only one that had its problems, mess ups, and short comings. Everyone who did this kind of thing encountered the exact same obstacles. And they were willing to be open about it and give some pointers on how to overcome those problems. I wish all of the USH Staff would have been sitting in there with me to hear what these guys had to say. I guess I should have networked a bit more. Put the UnSung Heroes name out there. But I didn't. Maybe at MTAC?

So what was there to do aside from panels? There were several game-like events that happened. One was Game of Thrones: Human Chess. Now this event sounded good on paper, but I think there could have been some things done to make it a little better. First, the idea of having two people play a chess game and then have it reenacted on a life size board, with people as the pieces was a pretty cool idea. It is just that the way everything was set up didn't really lend to an audience watching. I'm sure if you were part of the game, it was cool. But I didn't spectate long before walking about. I hope they try it again next year, but change a few things. For instance, have the two players up on a stage where the audience can see them. And utilize the use of microphones. Also, make the markings on the squares a bit more clear, so when the play says "Knight to G4", the person can move. Someone shouting "Hey you, move there" sort of lessens the effect. However, the idea was pretty neat all in all. I hope they try it again.

One of the most entertaining things outside had to be the live Angry Birds. Yep, a team would build cardboard box buildings and the other team would shoot birds and try to knock it down. Inside some of the boxes were green water balloons signifying pigs. I know it is a sin to admit, but I have never played Angry Birds. However, watching these outdoor hijinks was very amusing. I wanted to watch the live Plants vs. Zombies, but there was Steampunk panel I wanted to get to.

And what would GMX be without a little Steampunk? Apparition Abolishers were set up in the Pavilion and some of the stuff they brought was jaw droppingly amazing. I will admit that my knowledge of Steampunk is a bit limited. But these displays they brought out expanded my creative knowledge by leaps and bounds. Aside from "woah" "cool" and "awesome", I don't know what other words I have to describe all the things that I saw. All you could do was have your mouth come open as you were surrounded by some fantastic work.

I met some really cool people and had the time of my life this weekend. I did a bunch of other things and saw a bunch of other things, but listing them would make this blog way too long. I am so glad that I attended GMX and will definitely put it on my list of things to do next year. I have a ton of pictures that will be going up on the USH Facebook page. I'll link it once they are up.

GMX 2011 - Day 1

So, the new location of GMX this year is awesome. The stage, the lights, it just feels so much bigger and more exciting this year. (Parking does suck just a tad though). Definitely had a blast tonight and I'm raring to go tomorrow morning. 

So a break down of the night: I went to the comedy show first. For the most part, the comedians were really good. The nerd humor was great. There was an act or two that wasn't up my alley. But it was something new that was being tried out and I for one hope that it comes back next year. Then, I headed off to the panels, right after stopping by the arcade room.

The old school arcade machines were so awesome. I suppose I should have sat down and played a game, but I was too afraid of sucking. I never played these games. I would just keep dying repeatedly. I decided to leave the seat open for someone who knew what they were doing.

First panel was about WarSport 2041. I honestly had no idea what that was, but after hearing about it, I am so intrigued buy it. The story is set in a world where wars don't exist. Instead, problems are solved in games called WarSport. There are talks going on about this web series being turned into a mini series on Sci Fi (or SyFy, as I refuse to call it) and I for one hope that they do. It sounds so great. I wanted nothing more than to get a picture with those guys on the panel, but I found out at the Opening Ceremony that I had left my battery in the charger. So I will probably stop by their booth, get some photos and pick up a t-shirt. And I found out there is a prequel to the show that can be watched at www.youtube.com/warsport2041

Then I sat in on a talk about post apocalyptic art. It was quite an interesting talk that meandered around lots of different topics. How pop culture was affecting the art industry. What makes a picture scary? How you translate your own fear onto a canvas. People like this guy are the ones that I just want to sit under and watch their process. When I asked how could I make my art more scary, since my work never seem to take that turn, I got an answer that I didn't expect. He told me that I should just draw whatever it was that came to me naturally and I shouldn't fight it. I should just take what I do and turn it up to 11. I had honestly never really considered that. 

I was going to stay for some more panels, but I was honestly ready for bed. I shall be back with bells on tomorrow morning. Maybe with bells and Starbucks.

NaNoWriMo and GMX 2011

Well would you look at that, GMX is this weekend. I had a whole lot of fun last year and looking to have even more this year. Hopefully there will be more pictures and interaction than last year. GMX 2010 was the first con that I had ever been to, so there was a whole lot of me just trying to feel things out and figure out what does one actually do at a con. So this year I have a little bit more experience under my belt. I will probably look at more booths this year. I didn't go to any last year (except Questionable Content) because I felt like I had to buy something. But avoiding them all together probably isn't the greatest thing to do either. I will probably be posting pictures up on the USH Facebook page or something like that.

I will probably try and blog after every day like I did last year. Hopefully I will be able to keep up. A friend's birthday party is falling smack on the same weekend. I felt a little bad that I checked the schedule before I told her yay or nay about me coming. But hey, it is what it is. If I thought she would have a good time, I would just invite her to come with me. But I just have this strange feeling that I would be the only one having a good time and she would just keep giving me the sideways stare.

There is a little less than two weeks before the start of NaNoWriMo. I still haven't gotten the full plot of the story all penned out. I have been extremely busy and haven't had as much time to brainstorm as I have wanted to. Nothing has names, no one has names, I don't think I even have a solidified list of characters yet. This is probably the most behind I have ever been when it came to the start of NaNoWriMo. I'm not too worried however. I have this feeling that it will all come to me when it needs to. And if it doesn't...well, just start pulling stuff out of the sky.

YouTubers and Minecraft

I was pretty late to the game of Minecraft. I had heard about it, but never thought it was something that I was going to get into. I mean, just how fun could stacking blocks actually be? Well, I was shown just how fun it could be and I was hooked after playing only one time. However, what I found is that I enjoyed it much more when I was playing with other people. So that meant I had to convince my sister to play as well. No one knows me as well as her, and if there could be anyone I want to build things with, it would be her.

Being less of a gamer than I am, it was going to take a whole lot of convincing in order to get her on board. The graphics weren't that great. She wasn't much of a PC gamer. She had the same skepticism as me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get her to budge. So I gave up on the idea of us ever playing together. Life moved on, my play time on Minecraft dwindled to nothing and I forgot about trying to get my sister to play. Then enter Simon and Lewis of Yogcast.

This was something that I stumbled on quite by accident. I was looking for tutorials on YouTube on how to build some cool looking things and I found Yogcast ; two English guys playing Minecraft. First thing that got me was the banter between the two and it was interesting to watch them play. But soon, the whole thing started to develop into a full blown story. The story was interesting and the things that were being built in game were absolutely spectacular. I had to show this to my sister. The players were funny, the story was amusing, it was just a good way to spend your time.

I didn't expect her to want to play Minecraft, but I had hoped that she would at least enjoy what was going on in the YouTube vids. The next day, after watching, she was ready to play. I was pleasantly surprised. Both of us really enjoy Yogcast and because of them, I have someone to play Minecraft with :) 

Daily Write - Coffee and Sunshine

At first I thought it was my alarm clock that was causing the incessant noise that dragged me out of a sound sleep. I swatted aimlessly at my night stand, hoping to cut that blasted thing off before my brain could fully pull itself out of the comfortable dark fog that enveloped it. However, after smacking the snooze button more than once, I realized it wasn’t my alarm clock that was making the noise. It was actually my cell phone jingling loudly amid the clutter on my night stand. And there was only one person that could have been calling me at this time of morning.

I turned my face just enough so my voice was not muffled by my pillows as I grabbed my phone. I didn't bother to look at the number calling me. I just said hello. The response to my groggy salutations was a warm and chipper voice. Way too chipper for this time of morning. One of the many reasons waking up to these phone calls was a nice way to start my morning. Must nicer than being shoved on, which I am pretty much immune to at this point.

“Good morning, handsome.”

I rolled over on my back, phone up to my ear, arm splaying out on the rest of the bed. I knew exactly how I awful I sounded at this time of morning. Far from handsome. But far be it for me to argue with a woman. Especially when she was giving me a compliment.

“Good morning to you, Sunshine.” I answered, yawning and stretching as I replied.

I remember the first time I had used that nickname. It was just something that tumbled out of my mouth. Very awkwardly actually. But you would have thought I had just recited a romantic sonnet the way those beautiful grey eyes lit up. Now I use it constantly. Just because I know she grins when I use it. I laid in the bed and just listened to her voice. She had already been out and about at this hour. She started recounting what she had done with her morning and some interesting happenings from the night before. Half the time I don’t know what she is talking about, especially when I have just woken up. She knows it. But it doesn’t stop her from talking and it doesn’t stop me from listening.

Time simply idles before I finally decide to get up and find my glasses. I hate putting them on. It signifies that the day is starting and I actually have to leave this blissful spot where it is just me listening to her voice. And though I would love to just ignore the fact that another day of my life has started, I simply can't do that. I make my way over to the window and part the blinds, phone still next to me ear. Only one vehicle in the driveway. Just like yesterday, just like the day before that and the day before that. But, it has become a strange compulsion now. Whenever the phone rings, I check the bed before I ever say anything more than hello. Then I walk to window to see if it is just my car in front of the house. I am waiting for the day that I have to touch my doorknob three times before I walk outside. Though I expect it wouldn’t make my heart beat any less loudly.

“Jonathan, have you had your morning coffee yet?”

I have been listening the entire time, but haven't really added much in the way of responding outside of sleepy grunts and throaty noises to let her know that the call hasn't been dropped. She knows my morning routine almost as if we had known each other for years. And if I'm not that talkative, it is because I haven't had my coffee yet. However, I am a pretty predictable man. So it shouldn't surprise me that she knows me inside and out by this point.

“I’m sorry, I suppose you were looking for something more of a conversation.”

“Oh, don't apologize. Just go and get your coffee. That way we can talk our trip. You haven't forgotten, have you?"

Ah yes, our trip. How could I forget that? Just thinking about it made my heart beat a little bit faster. That strange flutter I always get whenever I am with her. I reassured her that I had not forgotten. In fact, I had picked out the spot where we were going. It is a place that is pretty special to me. I am actually a bit nervous. An odd feeling and yet a pleasant one. It is that strange butterfly feeling that you aren't sure if you want to go away or not. I told her that I was on my way to the kitchen now and pretty soon I would be caffeinated and lucid enough to speak.

I meandered out of the bedroom. The house was silent, no one it but me. The kitchen smelled like coffee. The kitchen always smelled like coffee. Well that's not entirely true. When we first moved in the kitchen always smelled like frying, that greasy, batter fragrance that permeates everything. My wife used to do a lot of frying. Not that much anymore. Now it's just coffee.

"Seems like there is a pot already made. I should be a talking machine in no time."

She really didn’t need me to carry on the conversation. She spoke enough for the two of us. Probably the reason why we got along so well on the day we met. I remember that day pretty vividly. I had gotten in my car that morning and just decided to take a drive, a long one. One of those drives where the destination didn’t matter. I was just trying to get as much distance as possible. I found myself at the bus station. Where would I go? I thought to myself. If I could get a ticket to anywhere, where would I head? Honestly, I had absolutely no clue. That is just how unadventurous I had become. I didn't even dream about escaping to another place any more. Instead, I found myself across the street from that station at some unknown name coffee shop.

I had barely gotten the warm paper cup in my fingers before I was backed into and the liquid ended up all over the front of my shirt. I turned to yell at whoever it was that just caused to me waste three dollars. And there was she was, wide eyed and apologetic, with an overstuffed duffel bag over one shoulder and a cup of her own in the other hand.

I am not sure how we ended up talking so long. She offered me her coffee, which I refused. She offered to pay for the one that had been spilled. And again, I refused. Next thing I know, I was sitting in booth and we had been talking for hours about nothing at all. I have no idea how I got so swept up in her. She had these large grey eyes and she grinned with such ease. She was reading Les Miserables, just because. Her name was Denise. However, I like calling her Sunshine much better.

"I was thinking that I could drive out to our usual spot, I pick you up, and then we can head out. I would pack light, though."

As I was talking, I noticed a piece of folded paper on the counter. Opening it up, I instantly recognized Sienna's handwriting. It was starting to get that bubbly teenage girl look, losing the young girl messy script that I had been used to. There was a sudden pang in the center of my gut as I stood there, looking at this note. What was I doing? If someone were to even think about doing anything remotely like this to either of my daughters, I would pull their heart out through their ribs. And yet, here I was, doing this to my wife. For weeks I had been doing this. I knew it was wrong. I did not even try to justify it to myself. My wife had done nothing to deserve me doing this to her. My daughters would never understand why their father had broken their mother's heart. Every decent bone in my body told me that I should just hang up the phone and say goodbye to Denise forever.

"Something wrong?"

Denise had noticed the awkward pause and the long silence. She also knew what it meant. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened. It was small things that make me regret these phone calls, these trips to our usual spot, and everything else Denise and I had shared. Innocent things like pictures, notes, reminders of soccer games and piano recitals. And every once in a while, that perfect evening where I remember why I married my wife and what I love about my kids. If I had any shred of decency left, I would tell Denise everything that is wrong with what we were doing.

"No," I answered finally, sliding my glasses from on top of my head to the bridge of my nose, "Daughter left me a note on the counter is all."

"You know, if you having second thoughts about this weekend we don't have to go. We can just meet at our normal spot. I'm fine with doing that."

That was my Sunshine. So understanding.

"No, I'm still coming. Both of my girls will be out of the house for the weekend. And I'm sure that I can come up with something to tell my wife. I might not have to say anything at all. I'm sure she wouldn't notice if I was gone or not."

The whole trip had been my idea in the first place. It was the rush that it gave me that made me stick with it. I have absolutely no intention of a having serious relationship with Denise. No, the trip was solely for the feeling of the adrenaline that coursed through my veins every time I thought about it. Just wondering if I could do this and get away with it. Would my wife catch me? Or would I come home from that weekend and my life continue on as normal? My normal life was stale and bored me. I had a nice wife. I had good kids. But there was no excitement in that any more. But this thing with Denise, it was new, it was stimulating, it thrilled me. It was me being an adrenaline junkie without having to find some high place to jump off of. It was me not being bland and predictable. It was me making bad choices and risky decisions, throwing caution to the wind, finally.

Everything was in place. Now all I had to do was wait for the day to come. I closed my phone and placed it haphazardly on the counter somewhere. I stood my silent house, finishing my coffee. I put my glasses back on top of my head. I was not ready to face the day just yet.

Time to do me.

You would think by now that I would be at the point in my life where I felt free enough to do whatever I felt like doing. Well, unfortunately that is not the case. Every morning I wake up, I am always telling myself the things I can't do because of what other people might think when they see me. For instance, I have a stack of fedoras sitting in my bedroom. However, I never wear them to school, because no one else does. What would my other classmates think if I suddenly came into class with one of those hats on.

I have new jewelry that I have never worn out. A case full of make up that I never wear, and a ton of other things that I don't bother putting on. Why? Because I am afraid of the reaction that I am going to get once I put it on and walk out in public with it. Normally, I'm pretty low maintenance. Ponytail, jeans and a t-shirt kind of girl. But there are times when I want to dress it up a bit. But I don't. I think that it will be too much.

I am not sure when other's thoughts of me became such an issue. But it is something that I am ready to shrug off. I am ready to do what I want now and who cares what others say or think, right? I'm already the weird girl as it is. Might as well go full force with it. So, I feel like tomorrow should be a fedora day.

Things that have happened.

Well, I have done a terrible job with trying to post this month. I blame my rotation from having evil hours. So far, I have decided that Obstetrics and Gynecology is not my calling in life. I can strike that from the list with ease. However, it has peeked my interest in Women's Health. I have always had a glimmer of an interest in that section of medicine. I really can't tell you why. Maybe because it hits close to home.

So here is some awesome news that has nothing to do with medicine. As I do every month, I wrote a Click Here For Comics article featuring the webcomic, EverBlue. Normally, I don't do this, but this time after I posted the article, I sent the link and short email to Michael Sexton (Blue-Ten) who is the creator. Well wouldn't you know it, he put the link on his site. Over night, the views more than tripled. I have never had as many views in one week on my article, ever. I have put out 16 articles and have only contacted a smattering of the creators. Sexton was the only one who actually linked my work. He did not have to do it. In fact, I wasn't expecting any type of response at all. I am still over the moon about it happening. Makes me a bit validated with what I do.

A month and a half to NaNoWriMo and I feel totally unprepared. I've got nothing this year. Going into it totally blind this year. Don't even know if I can make it to the midnight party, if there is one. I think I have an idea of what I want to write about, but I don't have a plot or anything. Just an idea for a character. I suppose I will see just how far that will carry me. And yes, if I can find the time, there will be blogs about how well (or not so well) things are going.

GMX is a month away. It is right at the end of my rotation too. I should probably go ahead and buy my ticket now. I wish I had someone to go with though. I mean, it was cool and all, but I feel like it would be more fun if I had someone to hang out with. But, I don't believe that I have any RL friends who are into that kind of thing. I won't be going in any type of costume this year, which I am fine with. However, I do want to be more interactive with what's going on. I want to make a few vids and put together a photo album. So, no more hanging around in corners and things of that nature this year.

One more thing before I wrap up, I just joined up with a DA art group called World of Warchicks. Don't know what possessed me. I had been wanting to draw several WoW centric things, but always put it off. I figured joining this group would give me incentive to draw and finally do these projects that are in my head. They take all levels of artistic ability, so that made me feel better. While I'm improving quite a bit, I still have a ways to go before I deem myself any good.  And the only way to get better is to draw more.

So I do believe that ends this blog. Hopefully I will write at least one more before the month is out. Also, thanks to Yumefilled for being the first person to post on my blog! I suppose I am not just talking to myself!

Updating ramble

So, starting my third week of rotations and the only thing I can really say about it is that I hate the hours. And going to bed as early as I do in order to get up in the morning makes me feel like an old woman. But I would much rather be doing this than being stuck studying for the Step like I was a few months ago. So complaining must be kept down to a minimum.

NaNoWriMo is in two months. I think I might have an idea of what I want to do. Not sure if it is going to pan out or not, but we will see. It is an idea that I had for a story quite a long time ago. Probably around '06 or so. I'm not sure if I can make it into a 50k story or not. But we'll see. I haven't been struck with any new ideas anyway. So I might as well use this one.

It's a fantasy story. For some reason, I have been wanting to stay away from fantasy stuff. I had been writing a lot of it for a long time, so I wanted to expand my scope by writing other things. But now that I can't think of anything to novel this year, I have gone right back to my fantasy beginnings. Not sure if that is good thing or bad thing. However, I should probably start plotting some time soon. Not sure when I'm going to have to time for that. This rotation, and it's crazy hours, doesn't end until the middle of next month. Doesn't exactly leave me a whole lot of time to work my storyline out.

The story will involve lots of magic, because for some reason I am just drawn to that kind of thing. And for some reason, I am drawn to writing male characters. I barely write female characters any more. I'm not sure why. Maybe I find it more interesting because I'm not a guy.

Speaking of writing, I tried to hammer out a story recently. I got it about halfway written. I got the idea for this story from reading something totally unrelated the subject matter. There was just a short ramble along the lines of "What if instead, this had happened?". And I thought to myself, "Huh, that would be cool. I think I will write that." I might make it a Daily Write, who knows. I just want to get it finished some time in the near future.

A Somber note

Haven't written anything in a while. I really have no idea what I'm going to write about now. Honestly, not a whole lot has been going on. Well, I will take that back. A few things have been going, but I don't think they would make for good blog material. Just mindless blather about how my past week has been. The short of it, I just started back on rotations and it seems like this one (OB/GYN) has the most brutal hours ever. Probably worse than Surgery. However, Surgery get a leg up on being the worst, time wise, because it is 12 weeks long. I'm not looking forward to that whatsoever.

I suppose I do have something that is a bit somber to talk about. I recently ran into a woman that I did not recognize when I first saw her. I happened to walk up behind this person, her hair was shorn short, she had a very slouched posture with her head leaned to one side. Her walk was pretty slow, her upper body was hunched forward, and her left arm just dangled at her side like spaghetti noodle. On any other day, I would have simply dismissed this person as someone I didn't know and keep walking. But today, I paid attention. Then the longer I looked, the more I began to realize that this woman was no stranger to me. She was actually someone that I knew and had just spoke with not but a few months before.

I met this woman right when I started medical school. And over the past few years, I would say that she was definitely the foundation on which my medical career has been built. The last time I saw her, she was the one who told me that I could do the work and that she expected great things from me. I never want to let her down. And now to see her like this. It was like being smacked in the face with a brick. How could this have happened to her? She looked nothing like I remember. Part of me wanted to run up and talk to her. Smile at her. Act as if her current state meant nothing. Instead, I stood there in indecision, watching her walk away from me. Using the excuse of "Well, she is talking to another student. I wouldn't want to interrupt"  I tried to make myself not feel bad that I didn't call out to her. 

She has cancer. Cancer that was in remission. Something that we, as a school, believed was gone for good. And now this. And to her of all people. It makes me more than sad.

Daily Write - Built for Reverence

It was adoration for the Sun which made this place exist. It was reverence for the Moon which pulled this place into being. It was the acknowledgment of the push and pull that happens in front of our eyes constantly. And the realization we can do nothing but be a part of the wax and wane that caused this place. This temple was a construct to remind us. A glorification of things unknown. A glorification of the mystery that is this world. This is the Temple of Gamond.

The temple houses three sanctums. One side devoted to the Sun, which sits in the east. The other to the Moon, which sits in the west. And in the center is the sanctum dedicated to life created in the midst of these two heavenly bodies. Inside the Sactum of the Moon sits the Seat of Lesser Light. A silvery throne, crafted so that its beauty is from subtlety. The calm shimmer from its demure arrangement and design cascades along the walls.Ripples effortlessly flowing from one concentric point in constant motion. Here people come and pray, kneeling before the stars, bathed in silver cascades. They clasps their hands together, white knuckled, focused on the Seat that covers them in lesser light.

Inside the Sanctum of the Sun is the Seat of Dawn. A towering throne, dazzling, glowing with light all its own. The burning star personified in materials from the earth and crafted into an object of sovereignty.There is no prayer here. No one kneeling and making earnest petition. Only shouts. Loud raising of voices often paired with drums and dancing. Brilliant and bright as the Sun is the manner of those who enter in this sactum and become before the Seat of Dawn. They dance and shout in the gleaming rays of the sactum and the greater light.

But for all the majesty that are these two sanctums dedicated to the celestial bodies above, I was never drawn to either as much as I was drawn to the Sanctum of The World. Here there is no seat, no throne to be occupied by an outside thing we cannot reach. There is no light from thrones. No, here grows the Tree of Beginnings, a monolithic spread of branches and leaves that stretch towards the heavens. A part of this world that has been here since before the Ages that is now surrounded by lesser trees and flowering plants; gardens that sprout things of beauty. Things that remind us of life and how it hangs in the balance of things unknown. There is no bowing of knees here. There is no chanting and beating of ceremonial drums. There is just us, beneath trees and among the grass. Us and only us. Men and women. And the world.

This is the Temple of Gamond. This is the acknowledgment our people have for the things we understand and the reverence we have for the things we do not. We pray, we rejoice, we live. And we do this under the light of the Sun and Moon.

Ideas on the Shelf

A few days ago, I went through all my old books and notebooks and purged myself all of the crap that I had accumulated over the past 6 years or so. Most of the stuff that I came across were old notes and handouts that I could get rid of. I was amazed at just how much I had amassed in such a short time. Then I stumbled across an old notebook that I hadn't looked at in years. During my years in undergrad, I started playing roleplaying. It was mostly D&D campaigns that I participated in, but I did play other games as well. And in this old three ring binder, I found the character sheets of the last few characters that I played before I retired my dice. Not only did I have the character sheets, but I also had the back stories and any extra things I had written up for them. I had forgotten some of the ideas that I had come with. And it was entertaining to go back over them.

The most elaborate character I made writing wise was Tesara Avion, a character for a Star Wars campaign. After reading her back story, I wanted to go back and flesh out this world that I had created for this character. She was from a jungle planet and lived in a village that was built in a canopy. I could see that I had a lot of ideas flying around at one time, some interesting and others not so much. But now I want to bring that world back to life somehow. Maybe not the whole Star Wars part of it, but the civilization that I was building does have a bit of merit to it. It made me wonder what this would have led to world building wise had I completed it.

So I put the binder back on the bookshelf, with a number of other story ideas that I had written down and forgotten about. Maybe one day I will be able to sit down with this idea that I had many years ago and finally make it into something tangible.

Odd man out

I think it is time for a whiny blog, what do you think? Yeah, we are pretty overdue for one. I had a conversation with a friend the other day and I found myself falling into this mood. Here I am, an adult, and one of the main things that plague me constantly is the fact that I feel out of sync with just about everyone around me. As if everyone got the memo and mine got lost in the mail. This is what you are supposed to be into. Now go and be assimilated.

So what is it that I feel is wrong with me? I can't really put it into words. I think the issue lies in two areas: What I like and how people react to what I like. I feel I don't operate like a med student should. I feel like my passions should lie in something that is related to medicine. And while I do find some articles about the health field to be interesting, that's not what has my attention. Instead, my brain is always taken over by gaming, writing, art, and music. Sure, medicine is what I want to do with my life. There are no doubts about that. But there is not the same feeling about it as there is about these other things. Sometimes, I wonder what would my life be like if I had done something different. If I had decided that writing was my career instead of something science related. If I had taken art classes instead of taking two languages in high school. Would I be in a place where I feel like I belong? Would my interests line up with takes priority in my mind.

It's not that I'm ostracized. In fact, it is quite the opposite. People like me, oddities and all. But the moment I get asked the question "What is your favorite..." I know that the separating line is about to be drawn. I hate the looks I get after I open my mouth. As if I have all of the sudden become something very confusing. For example, on my birthday, some friends took me out for drinks. We were having a good time when it came out that I was a participant in NaNoWriMo and had actually finished a novel in a month. I was asked what it was about. I should have just said pirates and have been done with it. But no, I threw in other terms which I believed made the book unique and fun. I was looked at as if horns were starting to grow out of my skull. 'What was steampunk? I thought the setting would be in a real place. That's not the answer I expected."

I get tired of being the one that no one seems to understand. The one standing on the fringe of everyone else. Like them, but not like them at the same time. I know, it is the same lament of an angst-riddled teenager who believes that no one in world understands them. There are others who like what I like and don't find my interests the least bit strange. It is just that none of them are my classmates.

The Secret of NIMH

I was in the grocery store recently and saw the The Secret of NIMH on sale for $6 and had to pick it up. I remember watching this movie when I was really young and loving it. I also remember that I didn't totally understand what was going on. There a mother mouse who was trying to protect her kids, mainly her sick  mouse son. And the rest of the story was sort of a haze. There was a pretty necklace involved and some rat that had glowing eyes. Outside of that, I didn't remember anything substantial.

So I was interested to see how this movie stood up to my childhood memory of it. Also, I wanted to know what the actual story was about. So, very much in the fashion that I probably took on when I watched it as a child, I sat in front of the television and watched The Secret of NIMH again. I found that I had remembered parts of the movie incorrectly. And other places, there was information that I had skipped over in my youth. For instance, I had no idea that NIMH was acronym. And I had no idea that the rats were stealing electricity from the farmhouse. (I still don't understand how that worked). And aside from the amulet glowing, I didn't remember the ending to this movie whatsoever.

What I did remember was that this movie was made from a book. I think it was the first movie that I had ever heard of coming from a book. And I wanted to read that book. I don't know why I never got my hands on it, but that started my whole fascination with movies that were based off of books.

Did the movie stand that test of time? I suppose so. Being 20 or so years older now than when I first watched it, I can't help but have a ton of questions when it comes to the plot of the story. But it is definitely something that I would want my younger cousins watch and be as in awe of the story as I was when I watched it for the first time.

Post 85 Activities (WoW Stuffs)

So, I found some things to entertain myself with recently. And now I am going to share them on this blog. So of course, the thing to do right now is run around the Firelands and do dailies. Sneaky Blizzard, making you do a quest chain to open up the dailies. And then having you gather marks from those dailies to open up more dailies. I am just waiting for them to ask me to sign over my first born. (Which most of us would actually consider depending on the loot. Don't lie). So let me tell you about one of those quests which made me want to send my fist through the screen.

For those of you who play, the quest is called Enduring the Heat. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain. You get asked to run inside of this fire cave and you have to stomp out 8 runes. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Fire elementals are swarming that place like flies on rotting meat, all waiting for you to enter and try your luck. And they hit like trucks. Especially when a large group decides to jump your ass like some gang initiation. This was not the frustrating part. The frustrating part was the fact that I could only find 7 of the 8 runes and was usually running to my death to find the 8th one. 4 deaths later, I found that 8th rune tucked in a corner. This let's you know just how much Blizzard loves to mess with us. Yeah, that rune you are looking for...on the ground behind that pile of rocks, behind you. Just want to see how many times you die before you decided to hop over that way. Let's just say, I am extremely grateful that I don't have to do that particular quest again.

Aside from Firelands, I have decided to visit the Argent Tournament. I never did that during Wrath. I only had one 80 and then ended up taking a very long hiatus from WoW due to school. (Stupid school). I'm only doing it now for the Dragonhawk mount, really. One of my guildies has one and I want one as well. Not sure how long it will take me to get it, but it's a goal. Nothing really exciting to say about this chain of quests so far. I just got started, so it is basically simple things. Or I just might be spoiled by the chaotic fray that is the Firelands daily quests.

I started PvPing, just as something to do. You really can't wipe a PvP group, so I never have that anxiety of "I don't know what I'm doing" *nervously chew nails*. Whoever had the grand idea of putting time limits on Battlegrounds deserves a kiss. That is what I used to hate, previously. You could be in one battleground forever before a side would win. Now it's "complete before time runs out" and it is best. I picked up my first piece of PvP gear yesterday. I don't think I have ever gotten PvP gear before. By the time I had enough honor to purchase anything, I had already gotten something out of the raid that was just as good if not better. So actually getting to buy something was pretty awesome.

I had at first decided that I was going to trade my honor points for Justice points in order to get PvE gear. But then it thought about it. I should get PvP gear, since that is what I'm doing. Let me not try to fool myself into thinking that I am going to be doing any dungeons or raids soon. Let's just go with what is in front of me right now. And if I get my full PvP set, then I can start dumping my honor into Justice points.

So this and role playing has been about all that I have been doing. So far, so good. I am working on a mini storyline for my character to rp out. I just haven't figured out how to make it involve everyone just yet. I think I can have the spot light on me for a little bit, just so long as I don't bore people to death. I will probably sit down and write some things out and figure out how to make things interactive. I like the way my guild does rp events, so I want to incorporate as much of that as I possibly can. Plus, it would be my first mini story that didn't involve everyone sitting around a table and just talking.

So yeah, that ends my WoW adventure talk for today :)