Follow Me

I want you to fall into darkness
Follow me into light
Feel your heart swell
Be crushed under the weight of fear

Follow me
Follow me until you can barely breathe
Until you can't handle any more

I want you to feel the expanse stretch before you
Have cold fingers run down the length of your spine
Feel it winding its way through you
Becoming a part of you

Follow me
Follow me until the very bitter end
Until the sun rises and then sets again

I won't release you
For as long as this lasts, I need you
Need you to belong to me
Belong to this

Follow me
Follow me until you think you will break
Belong to me
Belong to this

Not really

It doesn't matter how many words I put on this page.
I can never rid myself of it all.
Not really.

You are still in there.
Somehow.
Like an addiction I don't want to get away from.
Not really.

Embracing Fire

I wanted to become cold. Become ice
Walk away. Shut everything out.
I didn't want to feel any more. Feel this any more.
Just wanted the ever present numbness 
As I pushed away the world.

But that feeling never came.
The cold never embraced me 
And I never embraced it.
Instead, the exact opposite

All eyes on me as the heat rise
Refusing to fade, refusing to crawl into darkness
Blinding, fearsome flames 
I can do nothing but burn
And everyone must pay attention

Those who walked away
Those who forgot
Those who ignored
Those who took for granted

I cannot become cold
I cannot retreat
I cannot hide
For you, I will embrace the fire.
Watch me burn. Burn it all down.

What You Know

I hate how well you know me.
How you can hear the words I don't say.
Understand the emotions I don't show

I hate that I can't lie to you
Because you already see the truth
And you simply wait for me to say it

I hate that you have seen my weakness
Seen my vulnerability
Been on my side of the curtain, seeing what a mess it is
What a mess I actually am

I hate that you can hear my silence
See through me
Through the facade I show the world

I wanted to be perfected. Especially for you.

All I Have

I don't have any answers
Though you have never asked me any questions

I don't know how to fix your problems
Though you have never asked me for any solutions

I don't have enough to give
Though you have never asked me for anything

So, I will simply stand here, next to you, through it all
Though I know you would never ask me to

Collection of "Gifts"

Come, let me show my collection, my “gifts” that have been given to me over the years. Their sharpened edges, decorative hilts, all shapes and sizes. I keep them here on display, so that I will always remember.

This one is my oldest. It’s crude, and not very refined. It was hurriedly crafted and brutishly swung, but definitely accomplished what it was created to do. I was quite surprised when I received it. Even more surprised when I saw who it was from. There is really nothing like feeling that first blade, your first real blade. It is an emotion that stays with you.

Over the years, the blades improved. The handywork, craftsmanship, the complete design only becomes more and more intricate. It is enough to astound and awe. Look at some of these. They are almost intoxicating, aren’t they? Works of art. Some sharpened so fine it could split a hair. They deal a wound so fine that I only felt the searing sting long after I cut by them.

The masterpieces are the ones that bring the most surprise. Because they were created based on myself as the blueprint. A small piece of me that I believed to be inconsequential. But, I have now learned that nothing is inconsequential when crafting a weapon planned for a specific person. Absolutely everything is fair game. I had no idea how close others were watching. Those small flourishes, such attention to detail. A piece of me turned into beautiful destruction.

But yours, yours I can readily say was the most efficient. It was the one that expected the least. Even less than the first blade I ever received. I was completely unprepared for it and for you. Perfection, I must say. It has been the only knife that I have had to pull out of my heart.

The Dungeon Master of Beginner's Dice

Well, I finally went and did it. I am finally DMing my own game. It's awesome and terrifying. Now, I'm not just telling a story. I'm building a world and asking people to play in it. Play in it, play and hope they enjoy it. I have been wanting to DM my own campaign for quite some time. I had run storylines on roleplay forums before. But something about being a DM in a live game is different.

I started roleplaying back in college. I had a number of DMs who displayed a number of different playing styles. And after a while, I knew that I wanted to run my own game. However, I was too scared. Too self conscious. I didn't know the rules well enough to be comfortable running a game with my friends, who had more experience than me. I wasn't as familiar with fantasy or fantasy settings as the rest of my friends were. I always believed there had to be a perfect streamlined story which everyone was to follow and I did not believe that I could come up with something that anyone would enjoy. So I never opted to run a game. Just sat and wished; until finally one day I decided to just do it, fear and all.

Firstly, being a DM is way more time consuming that I had believed it was going to be when I decided that I was going to do this. Partially because of my perfectionist disposition and partially because I wasn't entirely in the know about what a DM had to do in order to run a campaign. But mostly because I took it upon myself to design the entire world from nothing. Because why make it easy on myself, right? The writer in me wanted to create and world build. This is where I have the most fun as a DM. Designing people, places, structures and ruling powers. Making an intricately complex, living, breathing landscape. I could get lost in it for hours. But this takes a lot of time. And I have to make decisions on what parts in this world are more important, meaning they will be completed first. I won't lie, I was very overwhelmed when I started out. I mean, how do you create an entire world from a blank sheet of paper? But I found out that you don't. Not at first. First, you start off small. You make a village, then a town, then a small city and continue from there as the group explores. Once I learned that, world building for the game became much easier to manage.

The terrifying part of running a game for me is the uncertainty that comes with preparing for the unpredictable. I was completely under the impression that DMs knew exactly what would happen at all times and had a plan for everything that would happen during the session. I quickly came to understand that was an illusion. I don't know what the players are going to do from one moment to the next. I don't know if they will take the plot hook. I don't know how they are going to interact with the NPCs. Or if they will even head in the direction that I have set up. For all I know, they could end up on some uncharted path that I had not given any thought to in the least. But it is this uncertainty that makes the game exciting for me as DM. The players don't know what the plan is. So they could be surprised at any moment. I don't know how my players are going to react to what I have planned. So I too could be surprised at any moment. So, instead of being anxious about it, I try to stay open and as flexible as possible.

My thinking like a DM has been slowly evolving as well. As a writer, I have complete control of the entire story. A story that centers on a cast of characters that I have constructed to fit seamlessly into my narrative. But now, I am more focused on the players and trying to figure out what would be awesome for their characters. Trying to make a narrative that everyone can participate in and feel a vested interest. I never had a "cool" character when I roleplayed. I was always outshined by someone else in the group. Someone was always faster, louder, more charasmatic, or better at minmaxing the dice. And I never played campaigns long enough for my character to have goals or something to obtain or aspire to. My character was simply just another body in the group. I don't want that feeling for any of my players. I want each person to feel like they have their moments in the spotlight. To feel like their characters matter in the story they are playing through.

 I am not sure how long this campaign will last or how often we will play. But I am very glad that I got over my self consciousness and I did this. It is a different feel, writing something for others to mess around with. Being flexible and thinking on my feet for several hours at a time. And to watch others interact with what you have put together. I am going to have as much fun as I possibly can and hopefully those who are coming along with me on this journey will have just as much fun as I am.

TV Talk: Van Helsing

(There are some minor spoilers in this review.)
 
Van Helsing. Where to even begin with this show. Let's start with the basics. Van Helsing is a show on SyFy that centers around a woman named Vanessa. As the first episode starts, you see an unconscious Vanessa lying on a metal table in a nondescript medical room of some sort. She suddenly wakes up to find the world she once knew decimated, the human race enslaved by vampires and her daughter is missing. It does not take long for the viewer to understand that, though her last name is not Van Helsing, Vanessa is going to be the vampire slayer in this series. It is made quite clear that she is a reluctant savior of mankind and we are to follow her story to ascension. That is if I last that long.
 
As this series starts, you are introduced to a bleak world and a soldier named Axel who is hold up in a now defunct hospital building that he has made his fortress since the Uprising started. He takes in a group of people running from vampires. And this is when everything takes a free falling nose dive and I am ready to check out. Every new group introduced on this show seems to feel as if they own whatever save haven they have been invited into and suddenly begins making all the rules. I instantly became irritated with the entire lot and simply wished for them to be thrown back outside. Well not all. Mohammed and Sam could stay. But I'll get back to that later.
 
It becomes very apparent that Axel is the leader that no one wants to listen to. But no one has a choice but to listen, because he is the only one with any common sense. In the mean time, Vanessa does not seem to care that world is full of monsters, she can heal almost instantaneously or that she woke up with ninja-like fighting abilities. She simply wants to scour the streets of Seattle to find her daughter. No map, no plan, no clues where to start. She is just going to look around and hope for the best. Never mind she has been unconscious for 3 years and everything she knew about the world is obsolete. So Axel is doing everything in his power to keep this motley crew together and alive. And the group is seems to be doing anything it can to make that task as difficult as possible.

Let's talk about the antagonists, the vampires. There is a main ruling power, a brother sister duo whom all vampires bow the knee, Dimitri and Rebecca. But whenever there is someone with great power, there will always be those who are trying to take it. So that does give some underlying intrigue mixed in with the main plot that is human enslavement. From the vampire's point of view, the viewers first hear about the human rebellion and how Vanessa's existence is a problem that needs to be dealt with. It becomes apparent that it is race to see who can get to Vanessa first; the vampires or the humans. By this point, I am rooting for the vampires, because the humans are driving me insane.

My shining light in this mess was Mohammed and Sam. They looked out for each other. And unlike the rest, understood the situation they were in. Stronger together and all of that. Mohammed was the resourceful young one and Sam was the gentle giant. The relationship between these two characters was very heart warming and endearing. And I wanted nothing more than for these two to persevere to the end. Notice how I said was? Yep. Thanks Van Helsing for dousing that flickering candle with a bucket of ice water, you beasts. I can hear you.

When protagonists started dying, because let's face it, that was pretty much inevitable, I was happy instead of grieved. One less idiot to be squawking about what they want, who they don't trust and a whole laundry list of grievances which they should have been kicked in the teeth for having in the first place. But, even in dying, these characters still manage to be incredibly stupid. And yes, I'm talking about that door scene with Doc and Axel. What the holy fish sticks was that? Again, I'm rooting for the vampires. My only qualm with them is that I wish they would wipe their mouths every once in a while.

I don't know what is going on in this show. There is a reluctant hero who has no interest in saving anyone. The group that surrounds her only survives because a Marine is brute forcing them into survival and even that proves to not be enough in the end. There is mystery and intrigue that surrounds Vanessa and who she is, but honestly, I just can't make myself care. The show feels like it is throwing everything it can at the wall and seeing what sticks. Who knows, maybe the vampires will get a spin off show. I'd give that a chance.

New Year's: Enter 2017

The countdown has ended. The ball has dropped. All streamers and confetti have been flung. The new year has arrived. I feel like I was just sitting down and writing out my goals for 2016 not but a few weeks ago. The past year feels like a blur. So, I had to sit down and remember all of the things that I experienced over a span of 365 days.

It started with me having a job that completely terrified me. And I found out that I was very good at it. Within a few months, I even received a promotion. It started with me talking to someone who was a total stranger. And now I count them as one of my closest friends. It started with me discovering new things and implementing them in my day to day life. And I have learned and grown.

However, this year also had the pain of loss and having to say goodbye. But even there, I did not made the same mistakes I had made in the past. I said everything I wanted to say to them. Did everything I could think to do for them. And when I got the news that they had passed away, I had no feeling of regret nagging at me, reminding me of all the missed opportunities not taken. Though I am sad that my friend is gone, I am happy that I did not make the same mistake of leaving things undone between the two of us. All of my memories are happy ones.

The sun has set on the old and rises on the new. So what does that mean for me as 2017 begins.

Goal Setting

I make large goals for myself, but I think it is very important that I have some small goals to celebrate in between. At the end of every month, I want to make small goals for myself to boost my motivation to move towards the larger ones.

Reading

I was quite the avid book worm growing up. Always a novel of some kind on my person at all times. But as my life got busier and course work intensified, I walked away from that hobby. Now I want to go back to it. Even if it just a few pages before bed, it is much better than reading nothing at all.

Remove Restraints

There are a number of things I don't do because I tell myself I can't. I make up all these reasons and rationalizations for why I can't do something, but for the most part they are excuses. And I make them up because I'm scared. Scared of something new, scared of being judged, scared that I will fail, scared that others won't like it. But I can't live like that, always in fear that if I do something it won't work. So, it is time to remove restraints.

Learning a Foreign Language

I went though so many years of Spanish and right now I could not hold a conversation beyond telling you my name, my country of origin, directions to the bathroom, and ordering steak, potatoes and a salad. So, I told myself that I was going to get back to being serious about being a fluent Spanish speaker. So why not start right now.

Being Financially Savvy

Something that very few people know about me, I used to be pretty involved in the stock market a while back. However, like most of my hobbies, it was crowded out when I felt like I had no time for anything outside of studying. But now I'm ready to get back in the game. And not just stocks, learning anything and everything I can about being a good steward over my money. Making my money work for me instead of the other way around. And finding ways to spend smart and save well.

Keep Creating/ Stay Centered

These are the same goals as last year. They are simply good to keep around. Because they are something I need to remember and do always.

Some will say this past year was tragic and will remember all the bad things that happened. But, I won't be one of those people. I spent holidays with my family, went to conventions with my friends, wrote a novel, watched as long awaited dreams came true for people who truly deserved them, celebrated the 20th anniversary of a program that changed my life in ways that no one could possibly understand. No, I will not be one of those people. And I hope that if you search deep enough, you will see that you aren't one of them either.

So here's to 2017. May we all do bigger and better things over the next 365 days.

I WON NANOWRIMO!!!

Just a few weeks ago, I was furiously typing on my laptop, trying my best to put down as many words as possible, worrying that I would not make my November 30th deadline. Yep, after a 3 year hiatus, I threw myself back into the madness that is NaNoWriMo. It was the first time in what seemed like forever that I finally felt like I had time to focus on speed writing my way through a novel.

This year was particularly worrisome. Because, not only did I have to deal with days where I wasn't able to write, I started with little more than a vague idea and a bucket of determination. Normally, my brainstorming sessions start in August and by the time November rolls around, the story would be pretty much fleshed out in my mind,  complete with character development a full story outline. That was not the case this time around. This year, I picked an idea or my novel at the very last minute. But try as I might, I couldn't think of a single thing that helped to expand on this idea. No characters, no plot line. October 31st came around and I completely changed what I was going to write my novel about. And I do mean completely. New setting, new genre, a new and  unknown cast of characters. Everything was being started from the beginning and I had 24 hours to figure out how this new thought and blank canvass was going to become 50,000 words.

It was an exhilarating, anxiety riddled, roller coaster of a month. I was discovering my characters as I wrote them. With nothing but a loose semblance of a plan, character personalities formed themselves in unexpected ways. Actions I had not planned made themselves fit into the story line. Pieces of dialogue that I had not expected became important conversations and pushed further insight into the drive of the main protagonists and antagonists. I know I am the one creating the story, but there is something special and riveting when I have no set path and I am following the narrative as if I were the reader and not the author.

Right at the end, I was pretty much ready to give up. I had fallen behind on my daily word count. I had no idea what I was doing with the mess of sentences that was trying to form themselves into a cohesive story. And the holidays were not helping with my fight against simply taking the loss and trying my hand at doing this again next year. But, I kept writing. Partly because I don't like losing and partly because I had people who encouraged me to keep going. So why do I keep doing this if it is so stressful? Certainly, there must be a better ways to get myself to write without putting myself through a 30 day marathon, navigating the ups and downs of this crazy process. And I suppose the answer to that is: It's fun.

There is something about putting yourself through a challenge that is invigorating. Yeah, that middle part where you have ridden the early wave inspiration and the excitement of finish line is still in the distance, sucks donkey balls. But you get through it. And if you are lucky enough to be part of a group, it forges friendships. Nothing helps make friends faster than going through the fire together. And in the end, I have a story. Something I would have agonized over for weeks, I cranked out in 30 days. Sure, it will need polish and reworking, but my story exists.

In the wee morning hours of November 1st, I typed out my last  sentence. It was not where I had planned my story ending, but that sentence was the best way to end the trip I had started at the beginning of the month. I submitted and got my NaNoWriMo win. I am glad that I started. I am glad that I finished. I am glad that I got to write with friends. And I am extremely glad that my story now exists in more than just my mind.

Game Review: Mandagon

There are times when games catch me by surprise. Whether it is story elements, the enjoyment of game play or just being more than what I expected, there is something that pleasantly gives more than I thought I would receive. A game that has recently surprised me with more than I had anticipated is Mandagon.

Mandagon is a free to play Indie PC game developed by Blind Sky Studios. I am honestly not sure how to describe what genre it falls into, because it does not feel like it fits under one specific descriptor. In this game you play a stone totem, 2D platforming your way from statue to statue, map point to map point until you have successfully solved the puzzle that I wasn't sure I understood the answer to; or the question for that matter. And that was part of the fun.

The story behind the game is inspired by Tibetan philosophy on life, death and sacrifice. As you explore each area, the story unfolds. Who you are. Why you are here. What you are doing. I had this very strange feeling exploring this beautiful world while at the same time exploring thoughts about the end of life. Something so breathtaking juxtaposed with a topic usually seen as somber. It was a feeling that I can only describe as odd and unexpected.

The pixel art style of this game gives the feeling of platforming through picturesque temples and their surrounding villages. The soundtrack is very relaxing, almost meditative. And the game play is more focused on exploration than anything else. There are no enemies to fight, no levers to pull or boxes to push. You simply explore and understand. That is one of the main things I loved about Mandagon. There was no tutorial, no hand holding, nothing to tell you what to do next. I simply explored at my leisure until I found the answer.

My hang ups about this game are minor. One, the game is very short. I was finished in a little over an hour. Mandagon definitely left me wanting more of this game and wanting to see more content from Blind Sky Studios. My second gripe was that I had basically been given the answer to what was going on in game by just reading the game description on Steam. Personally, I think that took away a bit of the unveiling and realization I would have gotten if the game description had been a little less giving of details and I had been allowed to piece together the complete story on my own.

All in all, Mandagon is a lovely game that I highly recommend trying. It is on Steam right now for free and can be played on PC, Mac and Linux. The game soundtrack and art book are also on sale currently for $3.99

The Day the Dragon Came Again

For the past several months, I have been in love with a Twitch show called Critical Role. And of course it wasn't going to be long before I couldn't stop myself from writing some fan fiction. If you have not gotten to Episode 40, then be warned that this has some light spoilers. Hope you enjoy. And check out Critical Role live on Twitch on Thursday nights 7pm PST.

It was late. The only remaining light was the ominous orange burn coming from the distance, clawing at the stained glass along the temple walls. Exhaustion sank itself into every one. Every man, woman and child. And yet, all anyone of them could manage were fitful and restless bouts of sleep, plagued by horror and nightmares. And even that evaded some, forcing them to lie awake and relive the horror over and over again.

He stood there silently, tucked away in the shadows. He looked at the disheveled group who now called Greyskull Keep their refuge. The few who had escaped the wrath of the Chroma Conclave. Unlike the others outside the gates, whose terror stricken visages were on display. A cruel menagerie of tormenting reminders. Here they were, huddled heaps of dismay, desperation and loss, wrapped up in whatever blankets could be found. But it wasn’t them, the few of them, who drew his attention. It was only one. One person lying in the midst of that misery.

Vax wanted to step forward, step out of the shadows, move towards him. But he couldn’t. His feet, which normally flew ever so quickly, were now leaden and kept him staunchly in place. Kept him there, in the dark, hiding from what was in front of him.  A mere handful of hours ago, Gilmore had been a sight to behold. As he always was. Best of robes, crushed blue velvet in color. Curly raven black hair held neatly in place. And that ever present wide smile that decorated a beautifully handsome face. With him, it was always about presentation. But not now, not any more. The dragons had come. Just like before, with fire, terror and destruction.

Vax simply watched from his dark corner. Watched and thought. He had been no more of a help tonight as he would have been to his mother on the night her home had faced the same fate. The robes now slashed, burned and stained with blood. The curly hair now stuck to a feverish and pale face. Someone else who Vax cared deeply for was almost torn from him by the same monster who had taken from him before. What had Vax been doing all of this time? Yes, he had grown. Yes, he had learned. Yes, he was a man now, a powerful man. A powerful man with powerful friends. But what had that done for Emon? What had that done for Gilmore?

Gilmore’s head shifted on the pillow underneath it. With eyes still closed, his lips parted.

“Someone is brooding very loudly over there.”

Though weak, the deepness of Gilmore’s voice still sounded solid. And calming. Vax’s first instinct was to quietly walk away. To not face this lump building in his throat. Not here. Not with Gilmore. However, walking away after tonight, after what had almost happened, felt worse.

“I thought you would be asleep,” Vax replied in a low voice.

Gilmore slowly opened his eyes and turned his head as the half-elf approached. Even though Vax was now standing where Gilmore could see him, he might as well have brought the shadows with him as somber as his face appeared.

“Oh my, such sad eyes and heavy shoulders.”

Vax didn’t answer.  Vax didn’t want to speak. Being this close, imagining what could have happened if Pike had not been there. The ache in his chest crushed his lungs with every breath. The growing hollow in his stomach was swallowing him piece by piece. It was another day the dragon had came. What had he been doing all this time?

“Nothing has changed, Gilmore,” Vax finally sputtered out, doing everything he could to keep his voice even, “Nothing at all. The most important people in my life and I can’t…”

Vax stopped, clenching his jaw before he continued on, “You were right in front me and all I could do was sit there…”

“My dear Vax’ildan,” Gilmore whispered, “Come. Sit with me now.”

Vax sat on the edge of the bed, head falling forward as he stared at the stone tiles of the temple floor, “How much will this Cinder King take, Gil? How much more is it going to rip away from me?”

There was silence. A silence weighed down by everything that wanted to be said, but there were no words for them. Vax felt a gentle warmth as Gilmore’s hand slowly slid over his own. The corners of Vax’s eyes burned as he blinked back the watery blur that was beginning to distort his vision.

 “This is where I am supposed to tell you everything is going to be fine. That we will find a way out of this. But honestly, I don’t know that to be true. Even I have doubts at this point. But what I do know is that you have always survived. Beyond all odds, you, Vax, always survive. This is no different.”

Vax shifted his gaze and peered at the ruggedly handsome face that weakly grinned back at him. Still grinning, because it was always about presentation. Vax shifted his hand so that Gilmore’s fingers fell between his. This close, Vax could smell the familiar scent of incense that usually permeated Gilmore’s clothing intertwined with smoke, sweat and blood.

“I hope you don’t believe that. That all I care about is simply my survival.”

“Then obviously something has changed then.”

Vax slowly leaned down and gently laid his forehead against Gilmore’s.

“I’m going to protect you,” Vax whispered earnestly, “I swear it on my life.”

“Good,” Gilmore whispered back.

Kitchen Adventures! - Broccoli Cheddar Quinoa Bites

Hello again. I think it is time for another foray into the kitchen. This time I decided to try out a quinoa dish. To be honest, I had never made anything that involved quinoa before trying this dish out. In fact, I had a hard time figuring out how to pronounce it for a while there. But, through the powers of Pinterest, I found a recipe that was a daring enough to try out.

The ingredients were very simple: quinoa, broccoli, cheese, eggs and garlic. And the recipe did not take a lot of prep time at all. Which, for me, is an extra plus. As for taste, I was very happy with it. It is very light and the paprika gives it a smoky flavor. For being my first introduction to quinoa, this wasn't bad at all.

I made this  dish in a mini muffin pan, so I had bite size bites. But I'm sure that if you wanted to put the mixture in a normal sized muffin pan, it would work as well. Made it as a side dish for my family's holiday dinner and they really seemed to enjoy it. Even saw some family members packing up what was left over to take home with them.

Definitely will be making these again. If you would like to try this recipe out for yourself, you can find the recipe here: Broccoli Cheddar Quinoa Bites from Alida's Kitchen Happy Cooking!

New Year's: Starting the Next Chapter

 A new year has rolled around and I will confess, it has caught me off guard this time around. Usually one has a list of resolutions and/or goals ready, waiting for that first day of the new year to roll around to execute them. I have not made one. Not technically anyway.

First, I want to go over the past year and remember the journey I just finished. A huge chapter in my life closed this year. Something that I had been working long and hard on for years is finally finished and over with. No longer in limbo, no longer waiting. Everything is over and done and my career path can continue. Now, I am continuing on into something new, in a new place, with new faces. I have a lot of excitement for what is coming next, wrapped with a small tinge of apprehension. But that is what happens whenever you embark something new, right?

I had ups and downs this year, sure, but things ended rather brilliantly. I got a chance to interact with people who helped me to unlock the best side of myself. I got a chance to make new friends and reunite with old ones. And my want to be an overwhelming force for good could not have been more bolstered than it was this year.

So what do I want for this new year? What are the goals I am setting up for myself as 2016 gets under way? 

Keeping Creating

I want to write and sketch more this year. And make more YouTube videos as well. These are things that I want to do well and the only way to get better is to keep doing them on a consistent basis.

Stay Centered

Life tends to get hectic and priorities get out of sort. You aren't taking care of your body, your mind, your soul, your relationships, your responsibilities, etc. This past year, I started doing something about it. Always being mindful to make sure that my priorities were what they should be and where they should be.

Be Overwhelmingly Positive

It is so easy to fall in the trap of being negative, down and gloomy. It's easy to find the bad in situations and people, to point out all the failures and short comings. But that is no way to live life. At least not for me. However, I don't want to be positive just for myself, but to bring others in it with me. Because life is more fun that way.

So those are my goals for this year. I think it will be enough to keep me busy. How about you guys? What are you planning on doing for your 2016?

Daily Write - Bending Reality

This all blurs together into a sameness after a while. I walk in, sit down and it starts. Sure, there are some differences in the minutia. Where I find them. When I find them.Who they were before I found them. But, ultimately, it is nothing more than variations on a theme. Their eyes, their faces, their body language, always the exact same.

I never get to them before others have had a chance to poke around. Makes my work that much harder. Once peeling past the staunchly built walls of self preservation and distrust, I am usually attacked with lashing barbs of bottled up anger and exasperation. Or their loathsome seething churned mostly from confusion, fear, and broken promises of being "fixed". They always search for a reaction, not caring what it is. They are reaching for something, anything, that will connect them to me, to something familiar, to something normal. But there is never a reason for me to react. Never.

It is at this point I tell them to stop talking or yelling or crying or whatever personalized touch they have added to the overarching motif. Because, now, I tell them the truth. Now, I tell them everyone they have ever met, ever spoken to, liked, loved or hated, has lied to them. Lied repeatedly. And I watch them react. This is the only part I cannot predict, like an ad lib riff for flare.

Lied to because no one fathomed that the world around us was not as stable, as solid, as concrete as we want to believe it is. And  no one  understood  that among us were those who could lift reality, like removing a veil clouding one's vision. See beyond comprehension and explanation into a vast, untapped, unknown as if staring into a darkened waters. They aren't imagining things, suppressing memories or whatever nonsense their numerous therapists have told them. They see the actual truth while rest of the world flounders lies and misconception.

Their stares are always the same, room for poetic license and personalizations of course, but the theme continues. I never react. I expect them to look this way. They are rare beings and I have found them. And now, I ask them the question:  Do you want to learn to bend the world?

Writing Thoughts

It has been a while since I just sat and wrote a post that was simply me putting my feelings on a page. I figured now was as a good a time as any. Sorry guys, no pictures this time. There are a huge number of things that have been going on that I want to talk about, but for sake of time I'll limit it to one, writing.

I have not posted a story for a while and that is because I have no finished stories to post. And I feel extremely guilty for that. That was what this blog was supposed to be for. This blog was supposed to be me writing something every day. And I have failed that challenge miserably.

It is not that I have lack of ideas. It is that I have don't sit down and finish anything that I have worked on. And that really kills me inside. I want to share my stories on this blog, but they just never seem good enough or polished enough. And some just simply aren't finished.

I tell myself, why not work on something shorter and easier. This way you have more material to post. But I just don't have the ability to write a short story. For some reason, I believe that everything I write has to be some sort of epic tale that has to span across a book series. I don't know what it is to whittle a story down to its simplest form and put the essence of that in a few pages. I'm pretty sure that I just practiced writing with a word limit, I could overcome this. But for now, it is just me writing long works or posting snippets from long works.

I am working on finishing something currently. And when it is finished, I believe that it will be one of my better stories (at least that is what I'm hoping). But, my impatience is getting the better of me. I want the story to be finished already. I want to show people, because I have been talking about it for a while. And it frustrates me, because I can already tell that I am going to need to edit this story several times before I get to where I want it. Don't get me wrong, I am having fun writing "Gold and Gunpowder" (the working title). The story interests me, so I am hoping that the readers are just as interested in these characters as I am. However, crafting of this story is taking longer than I had first expected. And I have no idea if that is a good or bad thing. Sure, I don't want to put out something that could have been better. But overthinking and overworking a story is not good either.

I went looking for some writing inspiration, so I started paying more attention to writers and writing organizations on social media. Normally, my Twitter was nothing more than people talking about video games, because I mostly followed Twitch streamers and people who are part of the Twitch community. I was quite amazed at the difference shifting gears made. Now, I see tweets talking about books, summer reading lists, quotes from well known authors and things of that nature. I don't know why it mattered that I now see these things on my timeline, but it does. I suppose it is because I feel part of a larger group. There are others out there creating. It's not just me.

So, my current writing plans...I am probably going to spend the afternoon working on "Gold and Gunpowder" and see how much head way I make. And I already have a second story waiting to be put on my editing table "Child of Prophecy: The Awakening". I feel like the title is much cooler than the story will be. But only because there was a lot of back story that went into me writing this and I think it will probably be lost on everyone that wasn't part of the forums where these characters were first created. It's like writing a huge inside joke and you just hope you are doing it well enough that the reader doesn't need to the context to enjoy the story.

So there, my thoughts for the day :)

What I'm Watching: Team Medical Dragon

It is interesting how I find new shows to watch. I was having a conversation with a friend about a musical composer who we both liked. My friend told me that this composer had done music for a Japanese drama called Team Medical Dragon and he strongly suggested that I watch it. I will be completely honest, the name of this show didn't really instill any confidence in me. In fact, I dragged my feet a bit before finally watching it (at my friend's behest, I might add). Now that I have seen it, there isn't enough good things to say about it.

Team Medical Dragon is a medical drama that centers around one man, Dr. Ryutaro Asada, a virtuoso in the area cardiovascular surgery. He is so talented, he has been dubbed a surgical genius. However, his moral convictions about how one should act as a medical professional causes him to challenge his superiors and eventually gets him blacklisted from the Japanese medical community. Several years pass and Asada is given the opportunity to re-enter the surgical community, despite the black mark on his name. But only because of one simple reason. He is the only surgeon in the country who is skilled enough to undertake one of the riskiest heart surgeries known, the Batista.

This show is brilliant on so many levels. There are numerous power struggles layered through out the show. The struggle against corrupt authority, to fall in with the crowd or to stand alone on your beliefs, finding one's personal convictions and understanding your true self, the show goes through all of these and more with seamless continuity. I also love the medicine that is shown on the show. There is always a thorough explanation of what is happening while the surgical procedures are taking place or being discussed. I cannot express how much I adore shows that take the time to get the medical aspects of the situation correct and present it in a logical manner. (Time Slip Dr. Jinn does a good job in this same area).

And of course, I have to talk about the music. I don't believe I have ever been so excited, anxious, and on the edge of my seat while watching surgeons walking down a hallway to the operating room. It is like watching a group of superheroes slowly stroll out to the battlefield. Sawano does a magnificent job with the score on this drama series. My favorite song from the soundtrack right now is Dragon Rises. You should give it a listen.

Team Medical Dragon has 4 seasons and currently can be viewed on Crunchyroll (www.crunchyroll.com) for anyone who is interested in watching. I highly recommend watching it. It is well written, you become invested in the all characters almost from the moment they appear on the screen. And there is no lack of plot twists and surprises. In my opinion, this show is absolutely wonderful.

Daily Write - Feeling Change

I can feel change happening, sometimes. It’s unnoticeable at first. But, that is how change always starts, isn’t it?  It begins with a small speck. Something trivial, something overlooked. A word, perhaps.  A sentence, a feeling. Whatever it is, it does not leave. Instead, it latches onto a corner of my mind. I try to ignore it, but I know it’s there. Sitting, spreading, poking holes in the grey veiled dullness. The grey that I slowly notice is covering everything comfortable and familiar. A dullness that now surrounds everything I see. And now, I can’t unsee it. I can’t not notice it. This is how it begins.

I start to feel it when I’m awake. I feel it in my dreams. It’s a breeze, changing course, wafting beneath the surface, replacing me piece by little piece. And now I have this constant knowing of what’s happening. That I am changing. That I must change, because this grey veil of sameness blanketing the familiar will do nothing but drive me insane.

This familiar comfortableness I have made myself content with, I realize this is not my end point. This place is simply a point on a line stretching in front of me. This is not my goal, but simply an accomplishment on the way to an end that I dream about, but do not dare speak. And now, I feel that revelation, breathing under my skin, inside my bones, behind my eyes, piece by piece. I cannot stay. Not here. Not at this point.

I am changing. What is happening to me will not stop. Piece by piece, the process continues. Everything old feels wrong. Nothing fits. Not anymore. It will all slip into the grey dullness soon enough. Into familiar sameness that no longer lives. It is simply marking time.  There is nothing left I can do. Nothing but change.  And see where change takes me.

Hair Journey: Twist Out

It has been a while since I have talked about my hair journey. So why not update with a post about the hairstyle I'm currently wearing. Right now, I'm going with the Twist Out. The Twist Out is a simple style that isn't too time intensive and is easy to do. I tried this look once while I was transitioning and I didn't like it. My hair was still straight and the ending result was not to my liking. However, once my hair had a little more texture, I tried it again. Now it is my go to style.

I usually prep my hair by spritzing it with a mixture of 1/2 water and 1/2 aloe vera juice. I then put some coconut oil in my hair and finish with a moisturizing cream. I have been using Cantu Shea Butter, which is amazing. After all of that has been put in, I flat twist my entire head of hair. The twists don't have to be exact. Just make them the size you want your curls to be.

After twisting my hair, I roll them up in wave rods. I have rods in several sizes depending on loose or how tight I want the curls to be. Right now, I go with a medium size rod. It has a nice spiral curl effect that isn't too tight. I usually let my hair set over night and take the rods out in the morning.

When untwisting, I but some olive oil on my fingers and gently untwist. If I rush, it makes the resulting curls frizzy. I run my fingers along my roots to get rid of any lines where my hair was part and give my curls a few shakes. Then I am done!

This takes much less time than the Bantu Knot and I still get the curly style that I like wearing. And I don't have to retwist and curl every night. I can usually go for about 3 days before I have to style it again. And I can always change the look by adding a few bobby pins here and there. I am really enjoying the ease and versatility of this style.

Daily Write - Night on the Row (Part 3)

He was hunter, as was she. They talked about the difference between the woods and the city. They talked about animals, both as prey and companions. Then he asked how good she was with a bow. She took another drink.

“Used to be one of the best in my clan. Could hit a squirrel at a hundred pace in the dark.”


“And now?”
Her shoulders visibly sagged as her chin fell closer to her chest,“Couldn’t hold a bow if I wanted to.”


“Hands shake every time you pull the arrow back?”


She turned around, a little surprised at that response. She couldn’t tell what facial expression he had under that helmet, but she guessed he had a wry grin playing across his lips.

“Same happened to me after my wife and son died. The one thing you know how to do and even that is taken from you.”


“How did you get over it?”


“I killed the bastard who killed them.”


“I don’t really have that option,” she said, sighing “But the alcohol helps with the nightmares.”


“What happened to you?”


She turned back around and stared at the street in front of her. No wagons or carts came by this time of night. The lamp lighters had come and gone hours before. Still the riff raff that hung around spilled out into the streets, just as raucous and uncouth as when the evening had started.


“Nothing that’s worth talking about.”

He frowned. Well she couldn’t be sure he was frowning. But the awkward silence led her to believe that he was. She sighed and corked the bottle. He had just admitted to murdering a man. The least she could do was stop drinking for the moment and reciprocate a bit. Besides, she could already tell that her face was getting red and soon enough, she wouldn’t be able to string together a coherent sentence.


“Got dragged to some island where a group of us were captured by a crazed gnome claiming to be a scientist. We were overpowered and locked away in his dungeons for about a week or so. Don’t really know how much time passed. He toyed with us, mostly. Lab rats for his experiments. We all had our own personal torture rooms.”


Even with her alcohol soaked mind, she could feel that poison coursing through her body once again, driving her crazy. The blinding white light, the bone chilling screams. The screaming would probably be something she could never forget. However, her brain could not hold onto those thoughts for very long. It had slipped into that warm and comfortable spot where there was no holding on to much of anything. The moment a thought went by, it soon left. She now functioned on nothing more than the fringes of her intellect and base instincts.

There was a soft clink of shifting armor as he stood up. He was taller than she suspected he would be. A high pitched whistle came from underneath the helm. In response, a large shaggy wolf came bounding to his side, tongue lolling between a set of ominous looking fangs.


“It has gotten late, so I will have to take my leave for the night, Miss…?”


She never liked people calling her Miss. It made her feel old and stuffy. But it showed that he was polite. He definitely didn’t belong anywhere near The Row. Perhaps there was still some worth in the theory that she was making conversation with an inanimate object her brain had brought to life.


“It’s Cixi.”


“It has been a pleasure, Cixi. My name is Kalecsin, but most simply call me Kale.”
He started to walk away, but was stopped when she spoke up after him.


“All this time we spent here talking and you aren’t going to at least let me see your face?”
He paused, reached for his helm and slowly pulled it off. A messy tangle of crimson hued hair, tied into a single bundle, fell down his back. He looked at her. He grinned. She wished that filter between her brain and mouth was back in place.


“Like what you see?” he asked, obvious that he wasn’t expecting an answer.


“You’re easy on the eyes,” she responded, wishing she wasn’t so forward, but couldn’t do a thing to keep it from happening.

“I am glad to hear that you think so. I have been admiring you from the moment you sat down.”


Cixi snickered at the compliment, reaching for her bottle, which surprisingly she hadn’t emptied yet,“I’m drunk, what’s your excuse?”


“My excuse?” he repeated. A small grin formed at the edges of his mouth, “You’re pretty.”