Sunday, October 31, 2010

Being a super critic: My gift and my curse

There are days where I wish I could return the ignorant bliss of years before when I did not critique everything that was put under my nose to read. I want to go back to the times when I could just look at something, understand where the story was trying to go and be okay with the fact that it got there in any fashion possible. Unfortunately, those days have been over for a very long time.And I am stuck with the continuous critic that is perched in mind, ever ready to analyze every written thing.


I can almost pinpoint the time this started exactly. I read something a friend wrote back in the early days of me being a teenager and asked her "so what is the point of all of this? This seems like several pages of nothing." and from then on I was suddenly aware of the inner editor inside of my mind that picked away at every single line of story, poetry, prose, and plot that was set before me. Those things that were still whole after my nit picking were good and those that lied in ruin at my feet were trash and the writer should start over. Or depending how bad, just quit while they were ahead.


I found things that were excellent. Things that when you read them or heard them being recited, just made chills run through you and left goosebumps on your arms. I remember listening to a young woman at poetry slam and the way she formed that fluid collage of vernacular made me want to do the same. To find a way to phrase something so simply and yet with such power; I was envious of that.I wanted to make that ability my own. Word choice, turn of phrase, point of view, all of these things I pay so much attention to because I want to make the reader feel what I am writing.It is not enough for them to simply read it.


But because of this, I pick apart everything and when something just doesn't make the mark, I come away a little...well disappointed and dismissive. I've seen better, I've heard better, I've read better, and for some reason I can't just smile and say "Good job.".Part of me feels wrong of being so hard on someone else's writing. They are putting their thoughts and feelings into words and I should have a bit more leniency. However, I just can't seem to give it. I can only congratulate the person for penning something and then head on my way. "Congrats for making the effort. You can only go up from here.Write more, get better, come back to me when you have improved."


Why is this my gift? Because nothing makes me happier than when I put down something that is wonderfully written. After I have put in the time to make myself better, I finally see something that proves that I have taken a step forward. And I can't do that without picking apart everything and analyzing what made it good and what made it bad.It is what I have to do, because I can't settle for mediocrity.


I feel bad for those who are looking for accolades on their work, because very seldom will they ever be handed out from me. I am not easily wowed at this point in my life. But I know what it feels like to be on the other end of that equation, putting your effort into something only to have it not be well received. It is why I hate that my brain operates in such a manner. I know that people want a pat on the back and a gold star. But I am just not that person. Create something great and I will sing your praises from now until forever. Push mediocrity at me and I can only nod and say "Oh look, you wrote something. How nice."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Penning a Novel #2

4 more days until I start penning my 50,000 words and already I am starting to fret. I am wondering if I can juggle my rotations and write at the same time. It is not the same as when I went to class and wrote. I kind of want to throw in the towel before I start, but I keep telling myself that as long as I write something, I will be okay. Just focus on writing something and don't focus on the volume that has to be written. And I have the ideas planned out already. I just need to sit down and do it.

Of course it is a bad omen that I dropped my laptop and now the screen won't come on. I am hoping that gets fixed in the very near future.If not, I won't be heading to any write ins this year.

That's another thing, I don't know if I can go to any write ins anyway. I wanted to. A lot of them are being held at the Parthenon, and I would love nothing more that to sit  under Athena and pen a novel. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is in the cards for me.

So yeah, 4 days and my inner editor gets tossed in the basement and locked in there for a month while my creative side gets to run amok, unchecked.

GMX Day 3 and wrap up

Yeah, I know, it took me a while to write about the final day. But I will explain why in another blog post. Onto the last day of GMX!

So after two days of going to all these panels and going to a pretty awesome birthday party, there was no way that I was going to make it to any of the morning panels, which was okay since I couldn't see myself going to the Hogwarts High Tea anyway. So that afternoon, I headed to panel that showed us a few tricks on how to make animations without using Flash. Now to me it was just lines and lines of code, but it was simplified in such a way that if I could learn the commands, I could probably input something like that myself. Learning something like that just made my online ambitions and dreams that closer to reality.

The last panel I went to was probably the best one I had gone to since I had stepped foot into the con. It was Intro to Leatherworking. The only thing I knew about leather working was some of the things my sister had said, but not a lot of it had stuck. In this panel, there were two guys who made costumes and props who were giving us all kinds of information on everything they could think of. Paints, dyes, oils, stamps, equipment, different types and weights of leather, molding, anything they could cram into an hour, they did it. And they even passed out some information on a local leather store in Nashville. I left there wanted to make some leather items for myself.

Overall, I think it was pretty con experience for my first con. No, I didn't go around to the tables and buy anything except for an apron. And no, I didn't really do that much mingling aside from tapping people on the shoulder and saying "Do you mind if I take your picture?". But I was there just to sort of feel things out. GMX is a pretty small and young con (this is only the 2nd year) but I think I will probably head out and go next  year. Though some of the panels were a bit weak, I think it was made up for. They had some really great guests and in the end, it is a good show. So if you are ever in the Nashville area, you should definitely check out GMX.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

GMX Day 2

Jazzed from the night before, I was all gung ho to have an awesome time at GMX on the second day. While things weren't bad, they weren't all that stellar either. The highlight of the day had to be Q&A with Chris Judge (Teal'c from Stargate) and getting to watch the short film Nickel Children.


Chris Judge is probably one of the funniest men that I have ever listened to speak. He is quite the character (no pun intended). He made a lot of jokes, told us about all the gags he pulled on the set, writing for his character and pretty much kept the entire crowd entertained for the entire hour. He even talked about what is like to be one of the few blacks in the Science Fiction genre. Unfortunately, all the pictures I tried to take of him were pretty blurry. I'm sure there was some type of photo op with him, but I didn't take advantage of it.


Nickel Children is definitely an interesting film concept. I keep forgetting that science fiction doesn't always have to be set in the future. This film is a steam punk, alternate history, sci fi film. From the beginning, it was interesting. There is a scene where no one says a word, but they really don't need to. As a viewer, you clearly understand what is happening. No one needs to talk. The director and producer said they either want to do it as a feature film or as a web series. Personally, I think I would like it better as a web series. To me, it feels like something that should be watched in pieces instead of in one 2 hour dose.


There was a panel on costume making which was pretty informative. It was called 'Costumes on a Dime'. The person who gave that talk was very...maybe colorful is the best word for it. She gave some really good information on how to pull together a good looking costume without breaking the bank. And she also gave some tips on how to make a good costume. It seems like the bottom line is to be creative and look in expected places for material.


Some of the panels I went to seemed to be a little on the weak side. Either people didn't prep well or they were new to giving panels or something. They just seemed to feel like they lacked something the good panels had. The worst one had to be the Comic Creation panel. I think everything was stacked against this one. Most of the seats were empty. It was out in the atrium, which was open to everything and pretty loud. It was later in the afternoon, so people might have been tired. And the panel was set up as a Q&A, but what they didn't factor in was "What will happen if no one asks any questions?". Watching those three men sit up there and GMX guy with the mic ask if anyone had questions to a dead audience was simply painful. Probably the most awkward hour ever. I asked two questions just so the people on the panel would have something to talk about. There was a lot of time used up by two men bantering between themselves while the third guy just looked as bored as hell. Oh that panel could not have ended fast enough.


I didn't get to see what happened later on that night, because a friend of mine was having her birthday party and I hadn't seen her in a while. But from the looks of it, they had a lot of good things planned. Maybe next year.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

GMX: Day 1

Well let's start off with the fact that my mind has been totally blown by this con and I have a feeling that I might be coming back to this one even after I graduate and leave Nashville. So, Geek Media Expo was something that I just happened to find out about due to Jeph Jacques (creator and artist of Questionable Content) mentioning that he was going to be there. The fan girl in me shrieked with sheer delight and I was determined to get a picture and not trip over my own tongue when I met him.


Last night was the kick off and of course the first thing that catches my eye are the costumes. They were a hodge podge of everything, steam punk, anime, nerd chic, sci fi stuff, movies, Halloween stuff, just a glorious parade of interesting. (I am hoping to get a few pics of the Zombie Walk today.) First panel I went to was all about Magic:The Gathering. I was the only one in the room that hadn't played before. Everyone else seemed to be pro. But I finally know now how this whole game works now. I was totally mystified by it back in middle school. No one would explain to me what was going on. I find it weird how almost 15 years later, I am now in possession of two new decks of my own. (Green and white if anyone cares to know.)


Next panel was all about Steampunk and making costumes. It was kind of a loose panel, but still informative. I knew that steampunk was more that putting metallic looking things on yourself and slapping goggles on your head, but these guys took it to another level. Like I had no idea that there was an American style and a European style of steampunk. And I saw some great costumes. If I go next year, I am going to have to have myself a costume.


The last panel I was in was way over my head and I decided that I was going to head home and get some sleep. It was a discussion about the expanded universe of Star Wars. I read a few of the books they were talking about as a teen, but no where near as many as these guys had. I remember getting laughed at for reading those Star Wars books in high school and now fast foward 10+ years and I'm in a room full of people who read the books, watched the movies, and played the video games.


All in all, I am loving GMX. There was early morning cartoons today, but I decided to spend those three hours getting more sleep. Oh yeah, meeting Jeph Jacques. Can't believe I almost forgot to write about that.


So I have no idea why, but out of my element, I all of the sudden become extremely shy. (I know, unbelievable, right?) So I am basically having an inner debate on whether to go up to Jacques' table and say anything or not. So I decide, yes, go up there tonight because I might lose my nerve later. I'm standing in line and of course the guy in front of me, word for word, tells Jacques exactly what I want to say. "I love your work, I read it all the time, blah blah blah, I'm  huge fan". Great, now what am I supposed to tell him?


To make a long story short, I told him I was a fan, listened to his Ustream, thanked him for introducing me to new forms of music, blah blah blah and then asked him for a picture. He seemed to relaxed and even keeled. I mean why wouldn't he be, GMX is nothing compared to SDCC or NEWW. But him being relaxed made me calm down and I was overjoyed when he said he would take a picture with me. Definitely was the highlight of the night.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Penning a novel #1

Yeah, I know, it isn't November just yet. But I figured that I should write something about the preliminary process.

So instead of going full steam ahead with a single novel, I am going to be writing a collection of short children's stories. They are going to be very reminiscent of books like Magic School Bus and Bernstein Bears, because let's face it, those were some pretty great books growing up. But what came after those books? Did anything take their place? I figured why not try my hand at something like that.

Now children's books is a genre for me. I am much more immersed in fantasy/adventure writing more than anything. And I write drama with heavy doses more than I write sword duels and pistols at dawn. So this may prove to be very easy or more difficult that I thought.

So how to get to 50,000 words? Well I figured that if each story was 10k, I would have to write 5 stories and that would get my word limit. Right now I have brainstormed the cast and I want to play with some of the stereotypes, just a bit. Of course the main kids are going to be of different backgrounds. I want to shy away from names that have been overused when having someone of a certain ethnicity. (There will be no Juans in this book.) And I have decided to make the school teacher a guy. However, the principal will be a girl. (Yeah, not setting the world on fire with the whole gender role thing, but whatever).

I think the main concern is how I am going to introduce the main idea of each story. Something has to happen for the kids to want delve into the topic matter of each book. There are only so many homework assignments the teacher can give. Something to figure out between now and Nov 1.

Kick off party is next Monday. I am crazy excited!

Another hurdle crossed

So yesterday was my Step 1 exam. The exam that I have fretting over, studying for and praying about for months (literally, months). The whole experience was something entirely different from what I expected. I do want to give credit where credit is due however. First and foremost, I know I wouldn't have had my head on straight if I hadn't asked God for help, peace and guidance. Secondly, my pseudo big brother, Ben, who understood everything that I was going through and was there to give me solid game plan. So I was there at the test center, as confident as ever.


I was little amazed at how laid back the atmosphere was. You took breaks when you wanted, ate lunch when you wanted. Got started as soon as you got there. It was just a very odd yet pleasant experience as far as testing went. I had brought some books in order to look at things on my break, but decided against muddling my brain with information. It was all in there, tucked away safely. Just needed to pull it out and put it on the paper...err, computer screen, whatever.


I would also like to thank NuFocus. My dad hit a gold mine when he found this stuff and then sent me some. I was pretty awake through the entire 8 hours and didn't have any caffeine the entire time. And after the exam, I was on the phone for at least an hour. Not a single bit of grogginess whatsoever. However, I did hop in bed afterwards. I like naps and felt I deserved one.


So yes, that hurdle of my life is done. I can now close that chapter of my life and start a new one. One that involves me figuring out real patients. Dun, dun duuuuuun

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Peace that surpasses Understanding

Today had started to be another crummy one. For the past two days, I had done nothing but mope around my apartment, feeling miserable. Depression and loneliness had somehow crept up on me and I made the mistake of pulling out chairs for the both of them and entertaining their company. It wasn't long before they decided to invite their friends: Anxiety and Doubt. Needless to say, by this morning I had let myself sink the bottom of that dark pit and could not figure out a way to get myself out of it.

Sitting on my couch, I reached for several index cards that I had written some Bible verses on. I have been trying to get into the habit of having verses on cards so I can flip through them whenever I want to. I came across Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold I am the Lord, the God of all flesh: is there anything too hard for me?". That linked with something I had read this morning ("Your past does not define you") was enough for me to start kicking all these bad feelings out of my head. Then I laid out on my couch and had a conversation with God.

I don't know why I wait until I feel like my world is starting to rip apart before I talked to God. However, I am glad that He still listens, no matter when I decide we have to talk. I got up from the couch feeling a million times better about...everything. I took my cup of coffee and study materials outside on my patio and studied with a new found energy and peace about everything working out.

I Peter 5:7
O Praise Him - David Crowder Band

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Writing Season is almost upon us

Well when the weather starts getting cooler (or whatever it feels like doing here in Nashville) and people start breaking out the hoodies and lightweight jackets, it is sign that writing season is right around the corner.

Yep, that's right. In less than a month's time, I will be furiously crouched over my laptop, trying to hammer out 50,000 words as a participant of National Novel Writing Month. I am going to try and do something different this year. The last two years, I worked on one single work. I think this year I am going to do a collection of stories that sum up to 50,000 words. I'm not entirely sure if this will work. However, I have been wanting to do these stories for a while now. So even if I don't win, I will at least have all my stories done.

Of course the down side to doing several shorter works in lieu of a single long one is that I have to come up with several different plots. I think that might be the snag that gets me. What if I can't come up with enough stories to make the word goal? And on top of that, I changed my genre to one that I have never written before. I just hope that I don't have to change plans mid-November.

So now I have to start brainstorming. Because I thought I wasn't going to do this, this year I didn't plan anything out. Last year, I started brainstorming back in August with a story idea that hit me while I was driving. This year, not only am I starting late, but I am still studying for STEP 1. I almost feel like I am going to be figuring this story out as I go along. Which is going to be a different experience since I usually have a road map to guide me through the story before I even start.

If anything this year should prove interesting. I have a feeling there will be a lot of blogs coming from it at least.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Autumn is here

So it seems like fall is here to stay. Of course it would have been nice not to go from blistering heat to frost on my windshield in 2.5 seconds, but what can you do? Mother Nature always seems to be out of her mind down here. Still, I have to say, that the coming of fall always feels great.

The cool air, the chill in the morning, knowing the leaves are going to change soon. These are all things that I like about Fall. That and I get to wear my skully around the house and I don't feel weird about it. And of course now is the time to bring out the hot chocolate and apple cider. I even bought a new tea mug while I was out getting groceries.

Also, I recently was given some new clothes over the summer, but they were too heavy for the insane heat that was happening at the time. So now I can finally wear them out. And I would have to say that my favorite clothes to wear are fall clothes. Hoodies, skullies, scarves, they just all feel so comfortable to wear.

Maybe this year, I will head out with my camera and see if I can't get some good outdoor pictures of the fall and put together my first blog slide show.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Doing things I thought I couldn't

I told myself that I would write something every day or at least every other day. But it seems like I slipped up this past week. I didn't have a whole lot happen, so I really couldn't think of anything to talk about. So after letting some things culminate, I think I have come up with something.


I had given up on the idea of ever play WoW again and then I accidentally stumbled onto "Choose My Adventure" over at WoW Insider. Just watching Robin Torres play her gnome priestess on the Cataclysm Beta made me long for the days when I was running around on my gnome. And it seems like Blizzard is making a lot of changes for the better. I started getting all these thoughts of starting from scratch and making new characters on new servers. However, I don't have time for that right now. I have so many other things to focus on and give my time over to. I did decide though, once I have graduated from medical school, I will be making my way back into that lovely time sink/money shredder of a game.


Something else that I had given up on was being able to participate in NaNoWriMo. I had just figured that I would never have time to write since I would be starting rotations this year. And from the sounds of it, this year is going to be more intense than my previous years. But after talking to my sister today, it would seem that I might be selling myself short. I am always writing, just not in a focused way where I am cranking out stories that have potential to be sold in book form. So if I just used the time I'm spending playing around with my writing and put it some good use, I could easily participate in NaNoWriMo. Just coming to that realization was so awesome. I do believe it made my week.


So I have several things to do today: Study, brainstorm ideas for November, and take a peek at the new trade that I just ordered "Blackest Night". And maybe if I have enough time, do some sketching. One day, I will post a few things that I'm proud of.